Funeral Dispute

OneYorkshireLass

Maybe inaccessible wasn't the right word. Still can't think of the right word, but I mean that the closest relatives are either very elderly, or disabled. Others have commitments like full time jobs or children. The family are at one end of the country and the funeral is to be held at the other. The only person who lives where the funeral is to be held is the executor. The executor also had POA and moved my relative to live near him only 8 weeks ago. Before that they had lived for 90 years in the same town as all the relatives.

I have written to the executor and he has replied that he is not going to change his mind.
The funeral is in Feb because there couldn't be a funeral next week due to not being any spaces (busy time of year! ), and then the executor is going on holiday for two weeks and has said they won't cancel
Where is the deceased going to be all that time? No idea. With the morgue/funeral director I would hope ...

"Sounds like the executor was someone the deceased person trusted to handle their affairs in life and death"

No, it doesn't "sound like" anything. You have no idea why this executor was put in place and I'm not about to go into details here. I would have thought people frequenting a deaths and funerals board would have a little more respect.

No, I was not estranged from the deceased. I saw the deceased more than the executor did.
Why are they doing this? Because they like to be in control and has constantly reminded the family that they are in control and no one else should get involved. They have taken this stance since my relative was deemed in law to "lack capacity" through a DoLS Assessment.

POPPYOSCAR

I think the time do have done something was when POA etc. was being obtained.

I do not see how you can change the arrangements without going to court and even then I doubt you would stand much chance.

At least with the funeral being so far ahead it gives everyone the opportunity to make the necesssary arrangements to get time off work, arrange accommodation etc. so not impossible, just difficult.

Have your own send off for those that can not make the actual funeral.

Newly_retired

Can you be sure that the event would be worth the effort and cost of getting there, given that it is being arranged by someone with no respect for the relatives?
Far better to let the body go, his way, and arrange your own event, service, wake, whatever, local to where the relatives live. Something that would be meaningful to remember and celebrate the life of the deceased, but user-friendly for the elderly too.

OneYorkshireLass

Yeah, hindsight's a wonderful thing. We had no contact with the POA/executor at that time as they lived abroad. Most of the family have never even met them.

It's impossible for most of the closest relatives due to illnesses - one having chemo (can't leave the town), one on dialysis (again can't leave town), one having a new knee at the end of the month and is the only driver for their immediate family. We're not exactly a large family ... nor the healthiest!

I think for some of the family, particularly older members, a funeral is a major part of the grieving process.
I will definitely be looking to arrange a memorial.

Keep_pedalling

OneYorkshireLass wrote: »

"Sounds like the executor was someone the deceased person trusted to handle their affairs in life and death"

No, it doesn't "sound like" anything. You have no idea why this executor was put in place and I'm not about to go into details here. I would have thought people frequenting a deaths and funerals board would have a little more respect.

Respect for who? On the little information your originally supplied there was nothing to suggest anything untoward in the arrangement you relative made with his attorney and executor. It may or may not have been the wrong choice but provided it was done of his own free will, then that is the decision that needs to be respected.

Malthusian

I thought the funeral was going to be held on a remote hilltop at the end of a footpath when I read the word "inaccessible", not at the end of a long drive. "Inconvenient" is the word you are after.

It is not what I'd be doing if I was the executor but he's within his rights and not even behaving particularly unreasonably. Funerals are traditionally held near the deceased's home (even if they recently moved), not the position of maximum convenience for the relatives.

You can write / email the relatives and say "Dear X, I know many of us will find it difficult to attend the funeral of Y, as much as we would wish to, therefore for those that are unable to attend I am holding a memorial service in Y's memory on nth February at Church Z which will be followed by drinks at my house / the Lamb and Flag. If you wish to attend or say a few words at the service then please let me know. Yours etc." A much better way to remember him than to wage an emotional battle against the other side of the family.

OneYorkshireLass

Keep_pedalling wrote: »

Respect for who? On the little information your originally supplied there was nothing to suggest anything untoward in the arrangement you relative made with his attorney and executor. It may or may not have been the wrong choice but provided it was done of his own free will, then that is the decision that needs to be respected.

Respect for someone who is grieving.

I provided "little information" because a) who wants their lives splashed over the internet? b) if I did type out everything that had happened believe me people would be here for a long time picking over the details and c) your response had no relevance to the question I asked in the original post.
As far as POA and executor choice is concerned, I cannot change the past. I was hoping for some help regarding the present and the immediate future.

leespot

Sorry for your loss.

If the funeral was already pre-paid then there is a chance that the arrangements were made at that time? Is it possible that is what the deceased had wanted? I know that sounds odd, but could it be a possibility. If they are a local undertaker would it be an option for you to pay your respects in a visit to the funeral home before they take the person away? That might help with some closure at least.

The person would likely be with the funeral home until the service. My friend passed away on Boxing day and his funeral is not until the end of the month - he will be looked after by the undertaker until the funeral.

Savvy_Sue

the other thing to consider is that the cost of moving a dead body can be eye-watering. I'm not saying the executor's behaviour is reasonable, but if the deceased had pre-paid for their funeral then I doubt that would have included post-mortem transport from one end of the country to the other.

And unless the cost of the funeral (and therefore the wishes of the deceased) already paid included a grave where they used to live, then it's hard to see any justification for those costs.

Definitely memorial. although by what you've said it's unlikely the executor will pick up any costs for that.

OneYorkshireLass

Thanks leespot. Sorry for the loss of your friend.
I doubt the funeral plan stipulated where it should take place. My relative did not believe she would have ever moved away from her hometown/home county. But even if there are written instructions the executor can override them anyway.

I have offered to pay for the cost of movement of the body & any associated costs, but nope, that didn't have any effect.