Is an amicable divorce a dream?

shiningfaery

I have just had an argument with my ex on custody arrangements and it has made wonder if an amicable divorce is something of a dream. I am of the mindset that we are 50/50 responsible for the children we produced but am I dreaming, the kids are solely my responsibility since they live with me so does that mean that I they should be put out Work wise because they live with, etc for the majority?
I have tried to be fair, he said he was willing to help but that's not on paper. Am I best to get a written statement to his custody arrangements...until now I didn't think I needed to but after tonight I feel to protect me and my job I may need to.
Just for clarification it on basis of holidays, ,My childminder is taking a total of 6 weeks holidays of which I am proposing a 3 week each split, I can't do it alone and I don't want to not work (part time) I don't require him on childcare basis thru week just for holidays outside of his general access which he set at every 2nd weekend, we also agreed evening visits thru the week which he is going to change due to work commitments I am, fine with this but I absolut7cannot work without his support on holiday cover. Help me please.

Appreciate any feedback from those whose have been through the courts for divorce and custody.

JReacher1

Usually when people go to court for custody arrangements for their children it's to secure Custody of their children. This seems like the exact opposite.

I'm not sure you can go to court to force your ex to take custody of them for three weeks.

shiningfaery

It's not just those weeks but the whole agreement can I get a court based agreement on basis of what he has verbally agreed to so he cannot throw it back in my face as he has done tonight?

Diary

shiningfaery wrote: »

I have just had an argument with my ex on custody arrangements and it has made wonder if an amicable divorce is something of a dream. I am of the mindset that we are 50/50 responsible for the children we produced but am I dreaming, the kids are solely my responsibility since they live with me so does that mean that I they should be put out Work wise because they live with, etc for the majority?
I have tried to be fair, he said he was willing to help but that's not on paper. Am I best to get a written statement to his custody arrangements...until now I didn't think I needed to but after tonight I feel to protect me and my job I may need to.
Just for clarification it on basis of holidays, ,My childminder is taking a total of 6 weeks holidays of which I am proposing a 3 week each split, I can't do it alone and I don't want to not work (part time) I don't require him on childcare basis thru week just for holidays outside of his general access which he set at every 2nd weekend, we also agreed evening visits thru the week which he is going to change due to work commitments I am, fine with this but I absolut7cannot work without his support on holiday cover. Help me please.

Appreciate any feedback from those whose have been through the courts for divorce and custody.

You can't force him to have the children while you're at work even with a court order.

He has set the visitation at only 2 weekends a month with others days as and when he chooses, how sure are you he'll stick to this? Would you be able to rely on him to have the children while you're at work because he wants to not because you are forcing him too. It might relieve the stress on you and them if you try to find alternative arrangements.

shiningfaery

And that would be my dilemma, it seems entirely unfair that I should be the only responsible parent when I thought we were still on a 50/50 basis...

PasturesNew

Just tossing a thought in there.... maybe he feels unable to book 3 weeks' holiday for cover ... but all you need is those 3 weeks to be covered, which could mean, say, that he pays for three weeks of holiday clubs/etc instead of actually taking time off work.

So all you'd need is for him to accept a responsibility for three weeks; how he manages that time is for him to decide and organise.

Savvy_Sue

PasturesNew wrote: »

Just tossing a thought in there.... maybe he feels unable to book 3 weeks' holiday for cover ... but all you need is those 3 weeks to be covered, which could mean, say, that he pays for three weeks of holiday clubs/etc instead of actually taking time off work.

So all you'd need is for him to accept a responsibility for three weeks; how he manages that time is for him to decide and organise.

That might well be the case: employers are not always able to accommodate leave requests.

Without knowing hold old the children are, it's difficult to know if holiday clubs are likely to be possible or not, but another suggestion / question is whether the childminder does any partnership working? I know it's a long time since mine needed a childminder, but those I used met regularly with other minders, and could certainly refer me to another one if they were ill, for example. And I know things may have changed, but in an emergency those minders were able to exceed their quotas. short term.

Sambella

Does your childminder do this every year as it will be a problem if she does.

Does your ex pay child maintenance based on having them 1-2 days a week?

PeacefulWaters

If you still lived together, how would you have managed this arrangement? I'm not convinced being separated changes things.

Working part time might give you more flexibility to do more. Could you, with the agreement of your employer, work longer hours on days when he has the kids to give you more full days off?

For example if you work five days at four hours could this temporarily change to three days at seven hours? That would solve two days a week. Perhaps your ex can condense his five days of full time work into four days in a similar way.

Where do grandparents help out? What about other friends where maybe you can return the favour?

For what it's worth, I'd try to keep it away from court rooms.

shiningfaery

PasturesNew wrote: »

Just tossing a thought in there.... maybe he feels unable to book 3 weeks' holiday for cover ... but all you need is those 3 weeks to be covered, which could mean, say, that he pays for three weeks of holiday clubs/etc instead of actually taking time off work.

So all you'd need is for him to accept a responsibility for three weeks; how he manages that time is for him to decide and organise.

He won't as I have already suggested that.

In addition he can take the holidays there is no question of it, he is just using what he agreed as a weapon against me as it's the only thing he can use, he knows fully that if he didn't do it I would be in a position where I would need to get either 3 weeks unpaid leave from work (unlikely) or give up my job.

The ages my kids are at, one is too young for holiday clubs etc so my only option childcare wise for now is either a private nursery or childminder,

I have tried to be entirely fair with the kids and custody arrangements but cannot have him holding his agreement over me like that.

Gilead

What is the current verbal arrangement for custody and maintainence?

A start would be to formalise that in writing, a court is not required but a solicitor would be helpful.

From what you have implied however it is you seeking to alter the arrangement if he is trying to stick rigidly to it? Who paid for your current childminder?