Alcoholic family member

rhino_horn

I'm looking for some advice as myself and my family have run out of ideas...

My brother is an alcoholic. Not in the drinking every day way but he's a binge alcoholic - when he goes on a binge it is epic - the last one started on Boxing Day and finished on New Years Eve. He was in a hotel, wouldn't say where he was, phoning people (family and friends) up spouting all sorts of nonsense - e.g. he was getting on a plane to Dubai, smoking crack and heroin, drinking 2 litres of vodka per day - yuk. Anyhow, it ended up with him drink driving to a friend's house - the police was called because he was acting irrationally - ended up in hospital and was released on New Years Day. My parents picked him up and he is now at their place trying to get his head together. He hasn't drunk anything since then.

The above is a similar to what happens every few months - add in some violence, losing every job he has got due to non attendance etc, this has been going on since forever. He is now in his mid 30s.

My parents paid for him to go to rehab (which he wanted). He was given some good tools to stay dry - unfortunately he won't go to AA meetings (he thinks he's "better" than everyone else that goes), hasn't got a sponsor etc.

He exercises a lot - his release - instead of a litre of vodka, he'll go for a run.

My parents are now at a complete loss in what to do. They don't want him living with them - it is far too stressful, my mum looks awful at the mo.

He's been kicked out of his house share. He has now lost another job. He was supposed to work between Christmas and New Year... So in effect homeless and jobless. My husband pays for his mobile phone through our business.

My brother has this ridiculous self-belief that he can walk in to a £60k per year job - he was jobless for 18 months last time because he honestly believed he would get employed by a big city firm. When your CV is as patchy as his is - no chance. My husband employed him this time - he was only working with us for 2 months.

Our current thought is to pay for him to go to a bedsit or similar near to us - say we'll pay for a month or so (he drank his last pay), tell him he has to find a job - ANYTHING - and start the process of working his way up and re-building his life. We'll take his phone off him as he can't afford the payments (he can get a PAYG) and if he can't afford to run his car then get it sold.

He has just told my mum that he is going to leave - just get in touch once a month or so - and that will be his only contact. My mum is in bits, she won't be able to cope with that. He said he doesn't understand why he keeps falling off the wagon.

So there we go, I'm sorry for the extremely long post, I'm not sure if what we propose is a good idea? I do know that people with addictions need to want to help themselves to get better. However, as my parents don't want him at their place - we need to think of an alternative. His friends don't want him either, they have tried but it gets far too stressful due to his relapses.

We feel that we have enabled him to carry on like this as my parents have helped him out with rent, he's moved back in with them when he's been kicked out of places (free food, SKY tv, Wifi), paid for stuff etc etc.

My parents 100% will not see him on the streets, any option just to say cut him off completely will not happen. I've tried, it's never going to happen. They need a different approach that hasn't been considered where they feel he will be safe.

Any advice welcome - I'm in work and then got small children to look after but I promise I will be checking the replies and will post as often as I am able. Thanks

beautiful_ravens

Im sorry to hear all this.
I read a book called 'The Easy Way to Control Alcohol' by Allen Carr.
I have to say, it worked - I went from drinking every day to hardly ever, and when I do have a drink now, I dont really enjoy anything about it.
The author says no willpower is needed if you read the book. He says an addiction is to the way a substance makes us feel rather than the stuff itself. He says AA, while a good support group, wont necessarily work.
You can carry on drinking while reading the book.
If your brother is open to helping himself, suggest the book.
A word of warning though, do not get it as an audio book - my mum did this and it didnt work for her, I guess it sinks in better if you actually read it.

Savvy_Sue

If someone doesn't want to go to AA, it doesn't stop other family members going to Al-Anon. It may help them to consider what they are doing which enables the drinker, and how they could stop enabling.

salesaddict

I second Alanon and open AA meetings

I learned among many other things that:

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't change it.

You and your Family are in my prayers x

rhino_horn

Thank you for the Al-Anon suggestions - I am going to suggest it to my mum and dad when I see them in a bit.

I'll get the book ordered now as well and give it to my bro and see if I can encourage him to read it.

grey_lady

AA doesn't have that high a success rate, there are professional services that your GP could probably put you in touch with. But for an alternative view watch this Ted talk for some ideas.

https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong#t-32092

Pop_Up_Pirate

You can't change your brother and buying him books to read, paying for stuff etc isn't going to help.
Tell him about things that you have found out if you want to, and let him decide whether to go to it or buy it.

But you would all need to be on the same page with no enabling behaviour/actions.

Mum and Dad would have to give him new rules before kicking him out....and stick to them...such as keeping his room clean, not bringing alcohol into the house, being there at meal times...whatever they liked and definitely noone paying for things for him.
If he didn't stick to them, they would have to apply tough love and ask him to leave regardless of anything else.

Mum and Dad would have to be tough.

Quite often the Alcoholic changes when everyone around them changes.

TBagpuss

Are there any other alcohol support services in your area? From what I understand, AA works very well for some people, nbut not at all for others. Your brother might get onbetter with a different programme. His GP may be able to help. If your parents are willing / able they might be able to consider paying for one-to-one counselling for him, if that is something which he would accept and which he/his doctor feels might help.

It may be that your parents, and you, might benefit from al-anon as has been suggested, or from other support grops / foa, for relatives of people with similar problems.

In terms of a bed sit, I think it is generous of you to offer to help him.however, do not put the lease in your name or agree to ct as guarantor. If necessary, pay the deposit / first month's rent for him - it might make sense for you to make it a loan - this potentially helps to start to make clear for him that you can't and won't be a permanent safety net for him - make clear to him that it is the last time you can help him out, and that you can't give or lend him anything further until that has been paidback, and suggest a realistic scale of payments (maybe only a couple of pounds a week.

For your own peace of mind, write it off, mentally, as a gift. However, for him, calling it a loan may help him to focus on the fact that he is ultimately responsible, and it makes it easier of ou need to cut offsupport in future.

In relation to the phone, could you afford to give him a PAYG phone and perhaps top it up ocassionally so he can keep in touch with you and your parents? Or even end the cotnract and give him a new sim card for the exisiting hand set, if that would work.

Ultimately, you can't change him. he has to do that.

You can try to give him emotional support - keep in contact with him, spend time with him when he is sober, even send him regualr letters / cards so you are keepng in touch, and reiterating that you care about him

Sadly, some people are no able to start to change until they have hit rock bottom.

Primrose

I felt so sorry for you and your parents as I read this. It echoes everything we as a family went through with a close relative. Having paid thousands of pounds for accommodation for him, support with CV's and finding a new job, rehab, and just about everything you can think of, in the end nothing changed. Eventually we all realised that all we were doing was enabling him to carry on in the same hapless and reckless way.


So the first thing I would say to you, is Stop Doing it.! This seems incredibly harsh but the only way an alcoholic will stop drinking is when they decide they want to. Why should they when willing and concerned family members keep coming to their rescue and paying up every time there's a crisis?


Tell him that this is his last chance. If you must, pay for a B&B for him somewhere where he can get a chance of a job...any job just to make himself self sufficient for a brief period and tell him he's then on his own. Try and get him into AA. And block his number on your phone. We ended being pestered with drunken phone calls at all hours of the night until we felt so wrecked we could hardly go to work.


I hope your brother sees sense. I don't want to sound dispiriting but few alcoholics really manage to pull their lives around. In our case, the individual died a miserable death. You may have to be very firm in your respective resolutions. Alcoholics don't just wreck their own lives. They wreck the lives of the families who try to help them, but only if you allow this to happen.

Bogalot

Is alcohol symptomatic of a wider issue? What you describe strikes me as something that needs a full mental health assessment. You may be able to get this through the NHS but seeing a psychiatrist privately would be far quicker, and their assessment would not be limited by NHS financial constraints.

A friend with similar issues was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia, it's not clear whether the alcoholic caused the condition or vice versa. He still struggles but things are certainly better now he has a proper treatment plan.

Fireflyaway

If he isn't ready to change there isn't much you can do. Letting him know you are there for moral ( not financial) support is probably all you can do.
Has he ever said why he does what he does? Most (not all) people with this sort of behaviour pattern have some other issue whether it be poor mental health, low self esteem or some unresolved trauma from the past. Maybe he needs a better coping mechanism and some counselling would do the trick? Would he open up to you at a time he is sober to see what he wants from life and why he is sabotaging his own future?
It must be awful for you but he is a grown man with free will and only he can stop himself.