Alcoholic family member

rhino_horn

I'm on my phone so not able to quote but thank you everyone.

We've got no idea why he does what he does. However my mum did say recently she wonders if he is bi - polar. I will certainly try and get him to see his doctor for a full mental health assessment.

It seems that we're kind of on the same page with our current thoughts.

Yes he does need to want to change and we can't do that for him. He says he does, is sober for a few months, then falls off catastrophically. He's had it too easy and I think a tough love approach is needed now.

He's a really nice guy when he's sober, he's got a good way about him. I just want him to be my lovely brother again.

goodwithsaving

I'm so sorry to read this. My ex was a tortured soul who used alcohol to numb the pain. I tried everything but the resentment built; he had no money but always had enough for bottles of wine and I had to bail him out of the bills for our house (had to otherwise I'd have lost my roof as well). In the end, I had to walk away. It hurt and still does. I can't tell you how guilty I feel for giving up and how much I miss him, I hear his tears every time it's silent and feel pain on a daily basis.
But I couldn't have carried on with it. He made me paranoid and used to hide things all over the house, or delay my entry to hide bottles.

What I would advise you is, if it affects your work then have no shame in mentioning it to your boss. YOU and your parents need support. Quite often people focus on the sufferer, but you're suffering too.

I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone and am very sorry you are going through it with your brother.

beluga

Sorry to hear you're going through this. If he really wants help, send him to his GP or local alcohol service. They will vary by area but my local service offers a drop-in self-referral service. They may even have support groups for friends and family, or be able to direct you to one. AA isn't for everyone, but there are alternatives out there. Smart Recovery have online meetings and friends and family groups.
He may have a mental health issue, but equally there are plenty of alcoholics who have no obvious reason for their drinking. Getting him to get assessed may help to either rule this out or help with treatment.

He needs to do all of this for himself. You can support him but don't do it for him. Like someone said above, sometimes people need to hit rock bottom and realise that they need to change for themselves. Good luck, and I hope you manage to get some support for yourself.

passatrider

You have my deepest sympathy. I'm currently going through this with my dad who's slowly drinking himself to death I feel.
I've tried to help him in the past but nothing stops him from drinking. His landlord contacted me to say that he's in serious arrears with his rent and will have to serve notice on him if he doesn't come to an arrangement. In the past I would have intervened, not this time. I've decided that tough love is all I can give now. No amount of intervention or telling him he's drinking too much has worked. It's upto him to change or face the consequences as I'm not going to pick up the pieces any longer. 😞

Primrose

Passatrider. My sympathy to you too. It's really difficult to fight through this guilt complex with family members when you decide you really have to pull back and do nothing but in the end, if you don't, you are slowly and surely sucked in until your own health and well being suffers.

System

Unless he is ready to help himself the only thing your parents are doing is enabling him to live the life he chooses but as a parent, i can understand why they are doing it.

I speak from bitter experience.

LannieDuck

I think the best thing is to let him go off by himself and only get in touch occasionally. Stop supporting him and let him take responsibility for his own life. It's his (your?) parents that will need supporting.

At the moment, he has no consequences for his actions. When he starts drinking, he doesn't worry about his job / house etc because he knows someone else will sort it for him. So what reason does he have to stop drinking?

Mojisola

rhino_horn wrote: »

The above is a similar to what happens every few months - add in some violence, losing every job he has got due to non attendance etc, this has been going on since forever. He is now in his mid 30s.

My parents are now at a complete loss in what to do. They don't want him living with them - it is far too stressful, my mum looks awful at the mo.

My parents 100% will not see him on the streets, any option just to say cut him off completely will not happen. I've tried, it's never going to happen. They need a different approach that hasn't been considered where they feel he will be safe.

If he knows this, then he has no need to change - the parents are always going to be there to pick him up and clean up his mess.

While they continue to enable his addition, he will stay addicted.

He will never be safe unless he changes his life.

It's a vile situation to be in for the family and friends of an addict - they love and care for someone who only loves their drug of choice and puts that above everything and everyone else in their life.

If the parents can't stop enabling him, their health and well-being and financial situation will be on a downward spiral along with his.

FredG

Agree with the majority. Sometimes the safety net is a crutch that just exacerbates the issue. Gonna have to distance yourselves slightly or he'll never hit the point from which he'll realise that he needs to fix himself.

LannieDuck

I think his parents might need to take advice on this from one of the charities that deals with this day-in, day-out. Speaking to those who have gone through the same thing will help them to find the best way forward.