From debt to freedom...

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Moneywhizz and Jaydeejay

You are right, I hate confrontation and will run a mile to avoid. Sometimes I have wondered if I'm being unreasonable in expecting a contribution but talking to others I know with adult children and advice on here show me it's not unreasonable.

Jaydeejay, DS1 has expressed a wish to live with his dad but although his dad has the means to make this happen, he chooses not to and has said no to him. Thank you for your advice, lots to think about. I like the idea of asking him if I can borrow a fiver as things are so tight...might make him think!

lucielle

Also, could you show him your budgets, income expenditure etc? Maybe before he started work as well which will show him how the budget has changed and how his contribution would help.

I think you're doing a wonderful job!
L

crazy_cat_lady

You've asked nicely - now you have to put your foot down. He's earning a full time wage so will have to pay his own way. He wouldn't be getting another penny out of me. I know it's hard, but it's not fair on you at all.

Honeysucklelou2

It's been a day of frustration today . I asked the ex two weeks ago if he could take the youngest DD to a party . He had been to the venue before so at least knew where to go. I had planned to double check yesterday but he didn't show up to see the children and despite trying to contact him by phone, I kept getting the answer machine. By 11 it was obvious it was another no show. I had to put aside my plans for the day to drive DD to the venue, managed to get lost en route and ended up literally going round in circles albeit circles with a 2 or 3 mile circumference! It was too far to come back home again so ended up sitting in the car for an hour or so with DS3 who, thankfully, was well behaved.

I cooked a meal this evening and called everyone to the table. Everyone sat down and ate except DD2, who'd had a meal at work, and DS1. I reminded him the food was on the table and everyone else ate up. Two hours later DS1 wandered into the kitchen and poured himself a huge bowl of cereal. I pointed out that his meal was on the table to which he replied "It's cold". I reminded him that it had been hot when dished up and he was called when it was hot. We have a microwave so he could have reheated it at any point. He said he didn't want it because it was cold, so I'm afraid I told him that he couldn't go helping himself to cereal when he'd not eaten the food served up for him. It didn't go down too well. The 2 older boys have gone through a box of cereal in 2 days .

The bright spot of the day was going for a walk in the woods between getting back with the youngest DD and cooking. I felt so much better for a breath of fresh air and the sights and sounds of the woods. About halfway round the walk there is a footbridge that crosses a stream. At this time of year there is about 3 inches of water. On one side of the stream, there is a tree trunk that leans into the water that the children love to climb. DD2 and DS3 went to climb on it but after a while DD needed help to get DS3 down. She asked me to cross over to her, which I did. Unfortunately I hadn't realised there was moss like weed on the stones and promptly slipped resulting in much splashing about as I tried to regain balance :D. I didn't fall over but had managed to soak myself with all the splashing around. We all fell about laughing which was good after the frustrations of the day.

jaydeejay

I'd ask to borrow more than a fiver to be honest. Perhaps think about saying he is doing tea on a certain night and then telling the others he is or DS is buying tea, or withdrawal of labour not washing his clothes, changing his bed, giving lifts etc. Being quietly insistent and remaining calm without getting into a debate.
He is not being fair on his siblings and if they start to feel the impact then they will also bring pressure to bear in their own unique way that siblings do! You could also ask him to buy cereal etc
If you ask it gives them the opportunity to say no, so try telling him with witnesses about!


JDJ

Cherryfudge

I had thought of suggesting DS moves to his Dad's but decided your ex might not be a good influence - but it you have obviously considered this already. How very annoying about his disregard for the work you put into his dinner. Perhaps this is the point to stop including him in cooked meals?

lucielle

I can be a really awkward cow when needs must. I am raging that your DS didn't eat his tea. So my (probably petty) way forward would be to serve everyone tea as normal and set his place with cereal bowl and cereal for a week. Making sure you cook his favourites!
L

crazy_cat_lady

Gawd I am angry with your ex and your DS2. I barely have any words.

savingholmes

I would stop buying anything for him. £1000 income is enormous at his age and he should be contributing.

Hugs though - I don't know how you manage.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Lucielle, CCL and SH. I think I have hit a financial point where I cannot pay for his retest so he will have to. Foodwise to ight, he wasn't here when I got home and cooked a meal, so I didn't dish up for him. He came home later saying he was hungry so all I could offer was the leftover rice which he had. The curry I made vanished quickly tonight, all professing it to be great...the difference was I liquidised the vegetables do it was like a thick curry sauce. The fussier pair couldn't see which vegetables had been included and ate up. Will have to try that again .

Busy day today at work. I avoided Mr T after work but isn't quite a NSD as a payment for a veg box went out. For the last few weeks I've been cancelling it as there is the option to do that up to 48 hours before delivery. Unfortunately I fell asleep when reading to DS3 and missed the cancellation window :mad: