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Really Not Coping Relationship and Life

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  • indiepanda
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    I would focus on sorting out the anxiety before you think about having children. Even people who are quite chilled out before they have children can find having children increases their tendency to worry. If you are already prone to anxiety, having children can make matters much worse.

    I speak as the daughter of someone who had some anxiety issues which were made much worse by post natal depression. That then progressed into regular bouts of anxiety / depression during our childhood - was rare for her to have more than a year or so off the drugs. She made it very clear she felt having children caused her depression and as a result neither me or my sister have had children - we would hate to turn into our mother.

    As it turns out, she wasn't being entirely honest in implying children were the issue - she first was on medication for mental health issues some ten years before I was born and I am the oldest. As children go neither of us were especially challenging - mainly did what we were told, did well at school, college etc, went straight from education into decent jobs and both left home at 22. She also had her worst bout long after both of us left home.

    Her illness cast something of a shadow over our lives and I would be lying if I said I didn't resent the fact she was quite uncooperative with the doctor about any treatment beyond taking pills - didn't feel like she cared about us enough to get better. Of course I also feel immensely guilty for resenting her... I know she is sick and therefore her judgement is impaired.
  • ~_Dragonfly_~
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    Some people do,some don't. In the early stages of a relationship, as you are, most people just want to spend as much time as possible together.

    That's all I do want right now, I've said I don't want kids in the next year maybe two, I don't know that answer at all as I said. So it's not like I'd want me and him to have a baby right now, that's the last thing I need in my life right now and his.
    indiepanda wrote: »
    I would focus on sorting out the anxiety before you think about having children. Even people who are quite chilled out before they have children can find having children increases their tendency to worry. If you are already prone to anxiety, having children can make matters much worse.

    I speak as the daughter of someone who had some anxiety issues which were made much worse by post natal depression. That then progressed into regular bouts of anxiety / depression during our childhood - was rare for her to have more than a year or so off the drugs. She made it very clear she felt having children caused her depression and as a result neither me or my sister have had children - we would hate to turn into our mother.

    As it turns out, she wasn't being entirely honest in implying children were the issue - she first was on medication for mental health issues some ten years before I was born and I am the oldest. As children go neither of us were especially challenging - mainly did what we were told, did well at school, college etc, went straight from education into decent jobs and both left home at 22. She also had her worst bout long after both of us left home.

    Her illness cast something of a shadow over our lives and I would be lying if I said I didn't resent the fact she was quite uncooperative with the doctor about any treatment beyond taking pills - didn't feel like she cared about us enough to get better. Of course I also feel immensely guilty for resenting her... I know she is sick and therefore her judgement is impaired.

    So sorry to hear about your mum and childhood, I had a hard childhood as well and wouldn't ever want to do that to a child in anyway. As I've said to my OH, I really wouldn't want children at all right now, not fully sure either way, just know there's some reasons I do and some I don't. But right now all I'd want is to get me and him sorted and settled and have fun and time together, as he has the kids every weekend Friday - Sunday as well anyway, so I really like as much time as we can get together without children right now. But that wouldn't happen with him anyway as he doesn't want anymore which he's totally free to feel and I understand why he feels that way, 14 years of raising children and a lot of people wouldn't want to start all over again.
  • indiepanda
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    That's all I do want right now, I've said I don't want kids in the next year maybe two, I don't know that answer at all as I said. So it's not like I'd want me and him to have a baby right now, that's the last thing I need in my life right now and his.



    So sorry to hear about your mum and childhood, I had a hard childhood as well and wouldn't ever want to do that to a child in anyway. As I've said to my OH, I really wouldn't want children at all right now, not fully sure either way, just know there's some reasons I do and some I don't. But right now all I'd want is to get me and him sorted and settled and have fun and time together, as he has the kids every weekend Friday - Sunday as well anyway, so I really like as much time as we can get together without children right now. But that wouldn't happen with him anyway as he doesn't want anymore which he's totally free to feel and I understand why he feels that way, 14 years of raising children and a lot of people wouldn't want to start all over again.

    Well, having some fun times together is a good goal - but if he has the children every weekend that rather sounds like you needing to move to where he lives - is that something you would be willing to do?

    Long distance relationships can be hell. I was with someone who started out living close by and moved 100 miles away. I was willing to make the move but he clearly didn't want the responsibility of me giving up my otherwise happy life in London to be near him and definitely didn't want me (or any woman) living with him. In the end, fond though I was of him - and still am, I had to give up. He wasn't willing to make enough of his weekends free (he played a lot of competitive sport on weekends) for us to spend a meaningful amount of time together and with no prospect of us being able to meet during the week either, I simply wasn't seeing him enough to call it a relationship.
  • ~_Dragonfly_~
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    I really hate long distance relationships said it from the start with him, they're too hard, but we've done it for two years because we love each other.

    The plan was always that I would move down to him yes, he can't move with having kids so it would be me. Yes I'd be sad to leave what little family I have here, I have moved away before but moved back again, I did miss my family, but would have moved again for love and to be with him and tried to have made a life with him down there.

    It makes it so much harder that he has kids with others and they're high conflict as well. There is a lot of stress there. I love his kids and they love me. Yes I get jealous sometimes when seeing them together but I don't know if that's just because I'm not part of the family yet and if I was that step family would be enough, I don't know. We're both just so unsure right now and he's not even talking much to me at the moment because of that, when we talk all the time usually and that's so hard.
  • Jojo_the_Tightfisted
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    He doesn't want kids, doesn't feel the same way he used to and can't bring himself to drive a distance that one of my exes would drive every other Friday to see DD, pick her up, spend the weekend with her and then drive back to drop her off at school on Monday morning.

    I'm sorry, but I believe it's over and the only reason he hasn't told you that it's over is that he's afraid of your neediness and overdependence upon him.


    It's not your fault. But it's not healthy for you to continue like this.


    See your doctor again.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • Claire_A87
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    Sorry you're going through this OP.

    Ask yourself honestly, are you scared of losing him, or scared because you don't know how to be on your own? I know in a lot of posts you say how much you love him, but there's definitely an undertone of you being scared of losing the concept of a relationship rather than him specifically. It sounds like you're desperate to be with someone that you can shower with love and affection, and you're afraid because this is ending and you won't be able to do that anymore.

    I don't think he's treating you very well (from what you've said). You deserve honesty and to not be strung along. I think based on the information given you should call it a day & really focus on getting yourself straight with your anxiety. He might end up realising what he's lost, he might not. You might realise that he can't provide you with what you need & not want him back. In any eventuality the healthy thing to do right now would be to end things on your terms.
    DS - 08/15

    OU: BA (Hons) Open, 1
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