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Really Not Coping Relationship and Life

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  • clint_S
    clint_S Posts: 366 Forumite
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    Long distant relationships are hard, My wife lived in America for several years before she moved over, 200 miles is nothing compared to 7,000 miles. I've even done long weekends for Thanksgiving or surprise visits. Not seeing each other for months can\is very common.


    The thing about long distant relationships is that you both need to want to be in it. If either person is not committed it can go down hill very fast and is very easy to walk away from. That's not saying they can't work, I've been married 8 years and dated my wife for 3 years whilst she was in the US before we married.


    You have to make time for each other when you are together, he gets to see his children all the time, at least once a week, so few days without the children isn't too much to ask for. when you aren't together Skype is very good for keeping in contact, we used to talk every day, even if it was only for a few minutes. One of the things I still remember fondly is watching a movie over the internet whilst both on video messaging, hearing her laugh made it feel like we were together and made the movie more special.
  • Ozzuk
    Ozzuk Posts: 1,884 Forumite
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    I don't get why this is a long distance relationship if you aren't working??? You say you have no life, friends etc so why aren't you with him more?

    I'd either move on or make an effort to be there more - unless there are reasons you can't then this just doesn't add up, if it's a priority you make it happen.

    I had a long distance relationship, several thousand miles and my partner left a 70k job to be with me, away from all family, friends. It didn't work out, but the point was we tried. So either step it up or walk away IMHO.
  • fairy_lights
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    Been in a long distance relationship for 2 years with a really great guy who lives about 200 miles away from me down south. He's been so loving and kind and caring and really thinking about me and he's been everything to me since we met.
    But if you haven't spent much time together in real life, how can you be so sure he is so loving and kind and caring? How much do you know about him at all?
    Has the prospect of you moving in with him been discussed?
    I don't think this relationship sounds particularly healthy for you, it's not a good idea for one person to become 'everything' to you at the expense of your friends and hobbies.
  • heartbreak_star
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    Being in love is everything to me, that and then family.

    I can't cope with him being so distant and cold to me.

    These two statements are ringing massive alarm bells with me.

    The former - if this is how you feel then you potentially have a massively idealised concept of love. Love's not always hearts and flowers - sometimes it's stinky socks and towels on the floor. Can you deal with that?

    The latter - he's possibly feeling that you're being too needy...

    I think maybe you need to get some help for your anxiety, and develop more of who YOU are rather than defining yourself by your SO.

    I wish you well - I'm sorry if I've been harsh but you sound like a lovely person who needs to know they are lovely by finding it in themselves.

    Good luck!

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Bremainer
  • BrassicWoman
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    BrassicWoman

    That is one thing that I've never been good at, not making the one I'm with everything in my life. I've never had any outside interests apart from little hobbies I had in the house etc, which I can't even do right now either because I don't care and can't concentrate anyway. Being in love is everything to me, that and then family.

    I think this may make you lonely, and in turn out too much ressure on your partner.

    Just my opinion. You may find a talking therapy helps with perspective though.
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  • selement
    selement Posts: 518 Forumite
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    Being in a long distance relationship is hard. You need to be working extra hard to communicate. Personally, I would challenge him about the talking less. It might be he is over the relationship and doesn't know how to break it to you, it may be that he needs to think about this sudden pressure to have kids. Magnetic he's just busy. It's not unreasonable to expect an answer in a serious relationship for why they other person isn't communicating properly.

    Yes this may be the end of the relationship and I know that's terrifying, but wouldn't you rather know for sure instead of this awful hanging in limbo? And if he's just busy perhaps you can make some plans for when he's likely to be less busy.

    I agree with what others have said about working on your anxiety and getting some hobbies. It's a lot of pressure for someone to be your entire world, and pretty difficult to fill that role from far away!
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  • ~_Dragonfly_~
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    cashewnut wrote: »
    Are you sure his exes are horrible or is he just saying they are?

    Sadly they are horrible, and would do everything they can to make his life bad. Threatening to keep kids from him etc as well. Treating him like nothing.
    So you want children? and how would you bring them up if you have no outside interests and for instance don't like traveling or as it appears going out of the house?

    I am sorry but you appear incredibly selfish, everything has to have you at the centre. Your 'partner' has realized you want to use him as a sperm donor and I think in his mind it was never a serious two sided relationship.

    You need to get your anxiety sorted before you can get into a serious relationship.

    This may seem harsh but you must get yourself into a position where you can get out and get some interests.

    I can go out of the house and do. And I'm wanting to travel down to see him soon as well so I will be doing that if he wants as well and on my own, it will be hard but has to be done now.

    I agree regarding the anxiety but it doesn't just go.

    And things may come across wrong online and over message. I don't think I'm the centre of everything no where near. And he knows I don't just want him as a sperm donor at all, I'd never do that to him, isn't a family what people want when you're in love with someone and that's not wrong at all in anyway. I'd never force the issue with him because of what he's been through with them. But me wanting that isn't bad, he's an amazing dad even with everything he's been through and goes through with them.

    And I'm not sure if I want children or not, there's reasons for and against and I wouldn't want it with anyone that I wasn't totally in love with either, so it's not just all about a baby for me at all.
    Yes it is very telling that you are in a 'relationship' that is going nowhere and isn't a relationship really as you hardly see him.


    From what you have said you have no relationships with anyone really do you?


    You need to work on why this is. And until you have help via counselling for this you will not move forward.


    Anxiety is crippling.

    There's been wrong on both sides for us not seeing each other enough. Time went quickly. There was issues. We've always talked about me moving down to be with him and marriage and everything.

    Well I message a few friends from time to time who live no where near me, but yes that's about it.

    You're so right when you say anxiety is crippling, it really is and I hate it so much. Had CBT last year but apart from liking talking, it didn't really help.
  • ~_Dragonfly_~
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    clint_S wrote: »
    Long distant relationships are hard, My wife lived in America for several years before she moved over, 200 miles is nothing compared to 7,000 miles. I've even done long weekends for Thanksgiving or surprise visits. Not seeing each other for months can\is very common.


    The thing about long distant relationships is that you both need to want to be in it. If either person is not committed it can go down hill very fast and is very easy to walk away from. That's not saying they can't work, I've been married 8 years and dated my wife for 3 years whilst she was in the US before we married.


    You have to make time for each other when you are together, he gets to see his children all the time, at least once a week, so few days without the children isn't too much to ask for. when you aren't together Skype is very good for keeping in contact, we used to talk every day, even if it was only for a few minutes. One of the things I still remember fondly is watching a movie over the internet whilst both on video messaging, hearing her laugh made it feel like we were together and made the movie more special.

    I regret so much not making more of an effort to push through the anxiety to travel down to see him more. And I hate long distance relationships, they are so hard.

    We have always both wanted to be in this together, always talked of the future, living together, marriage, being a family etc, we both wanted all those very much together.

    We have always messaged all the time throughout the day and night, vid calls sometimes as well etc. It's just in the past few weeks with the kids issue and not being sure of anything anymore and things haven gotten in the way when we did just see each other for a few days, it's confused everything.

    Really happy things worked out for you and your wife.
    Ozzuk wrote: »
    I don't get why this is a long distance relationship if you aren't working??? You say you have no life, friends etc so why aren't you with him more?

    I'd either move on or make an effort to be there more - unless there are reasons you can't then this just doesn't add up, if it's a priority you make it happen.

    I had a long distance relationship, several thousand miles and my partner left a 70k job to be with me, away from all family, friends. It didn't work out, but the point was we tried. So either step it up or walk away IMHO.

    I have let my anxiety stop me from travelling down to him and I regret that so much and that's why I want to go to him after Christmas no matter how much it scares me to do it.

    We were also going slower because of kids issues with him and them, it wasn't as easy as just saying I wanted to be there and doing it.

    I guess the next step is going to see him for a weeks and see what happens from there. That's what I don't want, to regret even more by not giving it a chance.
    But if you haven't spent much time together in real life, how can you be so sure he is so loving and kind and caring? How much do you know about him at all?
    Has the prospect of you moving in with him been discussed?
    I don't think this relationship sounds particularly healthy for you, it's not a good idea for one person to become 'everything' to you at the expense of your friends and hobbies.

    He does have issues like anyone, and with the life he's had I can't blame him for being angry either.

    We've talked constantly for two years, planned a future, talked about marriage seriously with each other, all that we want, I was meant to have been moving down to him when we were ready, he can't move because of kids.

    It's just all this with the kids issue, that I don't even know my answer on, yes it would upset me that I didn't have that with him, that he had that with others, but maybe if I was really in his life that a step family would be enough for me, as there's so much else I want to do in life as well that I really haven't. But yes when I do think about the future I don't want to regret not having a family of my own, because there is that part inside me as well.
  • ~_Dragonfly_~
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    These two statements are ringing massive alarm bells with me.

    The former - if this is how you feel then you potentially have a massively idealised concept of love. Love's not always hearts and flowers - sometimes it's stinky socks and towels on the floor. Can you deal with that?

    The latter - he's possibly feeling that you're being too needy...

    I think maybe you need to get some help for your anxiety, and develop more of who YOU are rather than defining yourself by your SO.

    I wish you well - I'm sorry if I've been harsh but you sound like a lovely person who needs to know they are lovely by finding it in themselves.

    Good luck!

    HBS x

    Thank you. I know that I do focus way too much on the person that I'm with, always have, that person really is everything to me, but I know I should have some of other things outside of a relationship which I'm learning, it's not easy though.

    I know love isn't all roses, before this I was in a very long term relationship that had plenty of ups and downs, but that fizzled out mutually and I lived with him so I can deal with it not being all happy. I still would care about them most in the world though.

    I am trying not to message him much right now give him some space, but it's really hard when for the last two years it's been all about him and the phone never quiet for messages between one another and now it's way way down.

    Thank you. The anxiety is so hard, I've had it all my life, nothing has helped, I am going to be phoning the iapt place up though soon to get more talking therapy.
    I think this may make you lonely, and in turn out too much ressure on your partner.

    Just my opinion. You may find a talking therapy helps with perspective though.

    It has always made me really lonely yes, I guess no matter what happens it's time to try and change that a little and try and make some other friends as well, it's just hard.
    selement wrote: »
    Being in a long distance relationship is hard. You need to be working extra hard to communicate. Personally, I would challenge him about the talking less. It might be he is over the relationship and doesn't know how to break it to you, it may be that he needs to think about this sudden pressure to have kids. Magnetic he's just busy. It's not unreasonable to expect an answer in a serious relationship for why they other person isn't communicating properly.

    Yes this may be the end of the relationship and I know that's terrifying, but wouldn't you rather know for sure instead of this awful hanging in limbo? And if he's just busy perhaps you can make some plans for when he's likely to be less busy.

    I agree with what others have said about working on your anxiety and getting some hobbies. It's a lot of pressure for someone to be your entire world, and pretty difficult to fill that role from far away!

    Thank you. We've always tried so hard to communicate with each other and always have. That's why this is so hard. We did talk on the phone last night, and I said about the less contact, and he just said he's not knowing how he feels right now and with what I say in messages sometimes about my feelings for him that he doesn't know what to say at the moment.

    I know the kids issue does worry him a lot, he says he doesn't want to take away my chance to have kids, but I don't even know if I fully want that certainly don't right now, or if a step family and a life with him would be much better. Yes things do upset me with him and the kids and getting sad I don't share that with him etc.

    His routine hasn't changed from what it normally is so I know it's not that he's too busy. I've said to him that I want to go down to see him after Christmas and try and work everything out then and see how we feel.

    I don't want to overwhelm him with him being my entire world and this all has taught me that making someone that and then if they weren't there, I have nothing and no one and I hate that. There is an older friend I have down south that says I can go and see her whenever I want and stay for a bit but I don't know.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    Sadly they are horrible, and would do everything they can to make his life bad. Threatening to keep kids from him etc as well. Treating him like nothing.



    I can go out of the house and do. And I'm wanting to travel down to see him soon as well so I will be doing that if he wants as well and on my own, it will be hard but has to be done now.

    I agree regarding the anxiety but it doesn't just go.

    And things may come across wrong online and over message. I don't think I'm the centre of everything no where near. And he knows I don't just want him as a sperm donor at all, I'd never do that to him, isn't a family what people want when you're in love with someone and that's not wrong at all in anyway. I'd never force the issue with him because of what he's been through with them. But me wanting that isn't bad, he's an amazing dad even with everything he's been through and goes through with them.

    And I'm not sure if I want children or not, there's reasons for and against and I wouldn't want it with anyone that I wasn't totally in love with either, so it's not just all about a baby for me at all.



    There's been wrong on both sides for us not seeing each other enough. Time went quickly. There was issues. We've always talked about me moving down to be with him and marriage and everything.

    Well I message a few friends from time to time who live no where near me, but yes that's about it.

    You're so right when you say anxiety is crippling, it really is and I hate it so much. Had CBT last year but apart from liking talking, it didn't really help.

    Some people do,some don't. In the early stages of a relationship, as you are, most people just want to spend as much time as possible together.
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