Family member has done something awful

christaitfife

I am not going to give any opinion because I know nothing about the situation. I would say that you need to think about the relationship you have with this person and the future of it.

Unlock is a charity (unlock.org.uk) and do excelent work. Have a look around their website as you will find people who are, or have been in your situation (theRecord, and theForum are good). It may help you understand your/ their situation and help thinking to the future.

Some crimes are disgusting and anger provoking. Making sure that they never happen again is very important. A convicted person is more likely to reoffend if they loose family ties. It is easy to say that you should not burn-bridges... but it is never that simple.

Stoke

elliesmemory1 wrote: »

A family member has done something awful and illegal.
It's being delt with but I'm so angry, ashamed and embarrassed by it.
Can't go in to details here but just feel so terrible about it all.
I know it's pointless posting here but had to let it out.

It's illegal to lob a cigarette on the floor. There may be more to it than meets the eye.

Hope you soon feel better.

Mr.Generous

Excellent thought provoking post. You read stuff about a crime and never really think about the family of the perpetrator, only the victims. Ultimately you have to make your own mind up what to do based on all the factors of the incident and the remorse, history and likelihood of it happening again.
You aren't the first and you won't be the last, you will get through it and time is a great healer.

omeg

I wonder how much responsibility you feel for the well being of this criminal and other people close to them. For me that was the biggest factor.
I would have felt responsibility for my relative - but I was able to reason that she could not confide in me initially, so our relationship was not as close as I had thought. That meant I could distance myself a little.
I feel for close relatives in this circle, which is why I choose to keep a 'social' relationship.

Christaitfife is correct about lessening the likelihood of re-offending. I personally think that this man has admitted his guilt, to his probation officer (again, I can't mention the details that make me think that).
However, in our family, his wife states that she believes his innocence, her close family will not entertain any discussion, and the rest of us avoid it for their sake. Not, in my mind helpful to anybody. However, I say to myself 'if they thought I had anything to offer, the would ask. They don't ask, so I keep quiet. Keeping quiet distances me from them, but that is their choice'.

If you do feel that it would be helpful, you can ask Victim Support for advice, as (in my experience) they will talk things over with 'accidental' victims. And I am off to look at Unlock.

elliesmemory1

Thanks for the replies.
It's difficult. I believe that my relative is mentally ill or they couldn't have done such a thing.
I'm unsure if that will be taken in to consideration.
I'm partly disgusted by them but also feel sorry for them.
I know there is nothing I can do to help.

Pollycat

elliesmemory1 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
It's difficult. I believe that my relative is mentally ill or they couldn't have done such a thing.
I'm unsure if that will be taken in to consideration.
I'm partly disgusted by them but also feel sorry for them.
I know there is nothing I can do to help.

There might be nothing you can do to help this relative but you might feel able to offer support to other relatives who are also close to this person.

calleyw

annandale wrote: »

Its not your issue. If the family member isn't close, forget it and get on with your life. You aren't responsible for other peoples actions

That is exactly what I told my parents when my older brother was arrested and named in the local paper.

I also said that people who really know you. Would know that you brought him up better than that. And it is no reflection on you.

Yours

Calley

determined_new_ms

Time is a great healer. There will be people who will talk about this, people who for one reason or another find some pleasure in others misery. But most will know this isn't your fault, will have sympathy for you and your family. Hold your head high, know this is not your responsibility . And when things have calmed down you will probably discover what you think people are thinking is probably very different to what they are actually thinking x

fierystormcloud

It's hard to respond when we don't know what happened, or what said family member did.

marisco_2

elliesmemory1 wrote: »

I am embarrassed and worried what people will say but I can take that.

They wont be judging you personally though. Not easy to hear others air opinion on something that sounds like it is an awful situation I am sure.