Family member has done something awful

elliesmemory1

Unfortunately, it is a has done situation.

SailorSam

It's easy for me to say. And i wish that i had it in me to follow my own advice. But if you dwell on it, you're not hurting the person in the wrong, you're only causing more pain to yourself.

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die.
Buddha.

Mr.Generous

There can be upset and embarrassment in these situations, not just anger. How do you explain it at work, to friends and neighbours? I would also find the gossip behind your back uncomfortable. A woman at works husband did something dreadful, not her fault, the stuff people said - it changed her as a person.

elliesmemory1

Yes that's part of it. I am embarrassed and worried what people will say but I can take that.
I just don't understand how this person could ever have done it. In part I feel sorry for them but this has hurt a innocent person.
I will have to let it go but at the moment I don't know what to feel.

paddy's_mum

elliesmemory1 wrote: »

I am embarrassed and worried what people will say

People who truly know you won't judge and why should you care one jot about the opinions of people who don't know you?

(and yes, I've been there and done that so I do understand entirely how you are feeling. Good luck)

TBagpuss

elliesmemory1 wrote: »

Yes that's part of it. I am embarrassed and worried what people will say but I can take that.
I just don't understand how this person could ever have done it. In part I feel sorry for them but this has hurt a innocent person.
I will have to let it go but at the moment I don't know what to feel.

That is hard. If people say anything to you there is no reason why you can't say something like "Yes, I was really shocked when I heard. I feel very sorry for [Victim]. I'd prefer not to discuss it"

Which makes it clear to people that you are not defending him or blaming the victim. Or you could just leave it at "Yes, I was really shocked when I heard. I'd prefer not to discuss it"

You are not responsible for what he has done, and it's OK to give yourself time to come to terms with t and to decide what, if any, kind of relationship you are prepared to have with him in the future, and what boundaries you may chose to draw with him.

If you feel it would help you to understand what led him to behave in this way you could ask him, but of course he may not be willing to tell you, or may make excuses for his behaviour

Robisere

It is worse when the relative does something that personally affects yourself. My brother, much older than me, once said something to my parents that caused a massive split which could have driven my parents apart. I was living with my parents, elderly and ill, after a broken relationship and I was literally running the house. Cooking, cleaning, washing, even bathing my very ill dad, who knew the truth and tried to convince mother, who would hear no ill about her favourite son.

Eventually it died down, but I have had very little to do with my brother since. My parents are long gone and I moved away many years ago, but I decided to try to put it behind me by going to see him. He had become quite ill, having had a mini-stroke, a result I believe of heavy drinking. I really wish I had not bothered. The visit went well until I mentioned another family member, who has always been close to me and been a very good friend over the years, but had passed away some years before with cancer. The absolutely vile stuff that my brother came out with then, had his wife my lovely SIL, in tears. He said that he wished the family member wa still alive, because he wanted to kill him, concerning an argument over money from more than 50 years ago. I could stand no more and I had to leave: I realised that he had not changed, he was still the selfish, self-obsessed person he had been, spoiled by my mother as the family favourite. I will never see him again, but his kids are great with me, most of them see their mum but not dad.

My own dad told me years before he died, that my brother was the worst of his children and that he had tried hard to stop mum spoiling him. I think the lesson here is that we are all individuals and no one can foresee which portion of Genes any of our siblings are going to inherit, from all the ancestors we have. I see my brother as someone I have no relationship with and feel no blood ties with him. If you can do that OP, try it.

omeg

I am finding it difficult to reply as I am in a similar situation, and I am not sure how well I handled it. But I did want to share as I have found that it can help.
In my case it was a relative I thought I was close to who has chosen to marry someone who has committed a very serious crime against another person. She married him shortly after his release from prison (he will be on licence forever). She attempted to keep his criminal history a secret, but it is of course, public knowledge; so she now claims his innocence. This, without going into details, is quite ridiculous.

I was deeply distressed, and have found some sort of peace by doing the following:
I concentrate on those members of the family who need my love & support
I see this relative & husband as little as possible, but without 'cutting them off' and risking a family split (I don't want to make things worse for others I love)
By doing this, I distance myself emotionally and just go through the motions socially -this keeps the door open for change.
I support those family members who feel unable to see this couple, and tell others that we must all make our own decisions
We all ensure that on the odd occasion we do see them, that neither is ever alone with any children (we are not so worried about what he might do, but how the couple might try to influence the children).
I say to myself that I am doing the best that I can.

tesuhoha

This is strange. I feel as if you are talking about me. A close - ish family member of mine has been involved in an atrocious crime. It has actually reached the national press.

A while ago I was conned by this same family member so I was already feeling betrayed and angry and now this. My reaction is disgust. I have no sympathy and I hope he gets the punishment he deserves. I will never have anything to do with him again. To be a part of this crime means that he is not someone I want to associate with and is not anyone that I recognise.

I don't feel embarrassed, just appalled but maybe if he were close enough I would feel that way. All I can say is don't be afraid to show your disgust as you would of anyone carrying out such a crime. If you felt fondness toward them before maybe you can forgive. In my case I can't and have no wish to. Sometimes you just have to resign yourself to having a bad apple in the family tree.

annandale

Its not your issue. If the family member isn't close, forget it and get on with your life. You aren't responsible for other peoples actions