So what happens now?

indiepanda

redandwhitestripes wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies so far.
ttoli - that book sounds interesting - will take a look.

In answer to a couple of other points.
I didn't move closer to work as I didn't want to move out of London away from the few friends I have got, and also my elderly mother and sisters.
My father died 2 and a half years ago so wanted to stay near my mum.
I could work from home once a week - and I did try that - but it still meant 4 days of a lot of travel. And work was still stressful.

I am hoping the doctor will sign me off. He didn't this week - said I had to self- certify but then go back after if I needed more time.

The lack of sleep is certainly a problem - it increases the anxiety.
Has anyone tried any natural ways of getting better sleep. I don't understand how sleep is so hard even though I am so exhausted!

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. Have you told your doctor everything you are feeling and how long you have been feeling his way? If so I am quite surprised he hasn't signed you off already. Maybe not the most sympathetic of doctors. I would go back next week and tell him everything you have told us if you haven't already.

Tough love moment - don't fall into the trap of thinking you are too senior to take time out due to stress related illness. In 2011 the CEO of Lloyds Bank took a month or two off with stress - was widely reported in the press at the time. I may be wrong, but I suspect you aren't more senior than him.

I had a period of work related stress a few years back, caused by working excessive hours under extreme pressure in a new job. The doctor was quite quick to sign me off for over a month when I finally admitted how bad I was feeling - I was basically having suicidal thoughts every day as well as my sleep being all over the place, losing my hair due to stress induced alopecia. The first time they tried to sign me off a few months earlier when I saw them about the alopecia and they realised what was behind it, I just said I would work less hours - completely naive as I was working on a high octane project. In the end I broke down in tears in the office one day and ended up getting set home and stopped pretending anything other than a complete break would work.

I started to feel noticeably better within a couple of weeks of getting away from the source of the stress and was back at work within about 5-6 weeks, though I didn't go back to working the amount of overtime I had been and within a year and a half I chose to go down to 4 days a week both to give me more spare time and to make me look the less obvious choice for the projects that involve working 24 x 7. (I work for a big consultancy firm). I also accepted that I was suffering an excess of responsibility - took ownership for things I should have just escalated to people more senior - and started to lean on others for support more and take things a bit less seriously.

That part time work pattern gave me more energy - used my day off to get some exercise and do things like go for massages and facials which helped on the relaxation front. It also helped me free up weekends to focus on improving my social life. The stress had happened in my first year in London and got in the way of making friends here, but once I had cut back on the hours I made lots of good friends both in my area of town and via a social club I joined (Spice).

You can certainly help yourself on the sleep front through things like meditation, keeping electronic devices out of the bedroom (no work mobile on the bedside table), lavender on the pillow, cutting down on caffeine and so forth. However, it's a bit like looking for headache remedies when you are banging your head against a brick wall - the easiest way to relieve the headache isn't pills or healthy diet, it's to stop banging your head on the brick wall. Or in your case, stop doing a job that winds you up to the point sleep is the thing you need the most but you can't switch off enough to sleep. So, you've made a positive step there.

If you live in London there's no good reason to lumber yourself with a 4 hour commute, there are plenty of jobs here so take some time out, rest, get some gentle exercise, read some good books, catch up with friends and think about what you really want to do with your life.

It might be as simple as a job in the same field but not so far away, but it could even be a chance to retrain or use your skills in a different setting.

Voluntary work to give your life a bit of structure while you take time out is a good idea - you might make some new friends but if nothing else it's likely to give you a different perspective and a purpose to ensure you don't just end up sat at home watching day time TV.

Think about seeing a therapist, a good one can help - unfortunately there are some pretty useless ones out there so don't stick with one if you don't get along with them. There's lots of helpful stuff on the Mind charity website.

You are in a great position having so much in savings, you don't need to rush into anything or have the added stress of how to support yourself in the meantime. This really is fixable, I promise you.

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Primrose

Rather than resigning now with no long term plan, could you ask your employer for a sabbatical or agree with your GP perhaps a one or two month period of sickness. It occurs to me your anxiety might be less in the short term if you don't feel you have completely cut off your income stream at this point.
I'm sure loneliness isn't helping. If you could get some time off perhaps you could offer to do some gentle dog walking for a neighbour which would get you out in the fresh air and meeting other people . But the first thing is to try and reduce your bone weariness and perhaps get some counselling therapy.

Pollycat

redandwhitestripes wrote: »

But what happens now?
Will the feelings of anxiety go? Will I fill my days without getting more unhappy.
I had thoughts of getting better mentally then doing some volunteer work - try and do some good.

Has anyone been through any of this before, or knew someone who had?

Thanks for reading and being there...

In my own personal experience:
My anxiety was 100% work related.
Yes, the feelings of anxiety did go as soon as I no longer had to face the prospect of going to work.
My GP signed me off for 3 weeks at a time and I found myself getting increasingly anxious the nearer my next appointment was.

Have you actually resigned?

Have you spoken to your boss about the stress you are feeling?

suki1964

redandwhitestripes wrote: »

Sorry for this long post, but putting things down in writing is a big help.
I have long been wondering what to do about my job and life.

I am 45, my own place but not married and no kids. I have been in my job 20 years but we had an office move 5 years ago resulting in a long commute , nearly 4 hours a day, with no work/life balance.
The job is so stressful and demanding these days. My days are 06.30 to 20.00 door to door and after 5 years of this I just can't cope with it any more. I dread weekends and evenings as I can't bear to go to work the next day. I dread each email and I have lost all confidence in my decision making.

The main issue for me now is anxiety and depression, and loneliness - all seems to be getting on top of me.

My anxiety is getting too much. My body shakes and my legs feel like jelly all the time. I am getting about 3 hours sleep a night now and have the feeling of total emptiness and exhaustion constantly - I don't have the energy for a social life either with the hours I work/drive.
I have accepted that loneliness is a part of the problem for me.
I went to the doctors today and they have put me in touch with therapists which may help.

So, I have decided to resign. I am on 3 months notice but don't know if I will last that long.
My boss is quite understanding but I am quite senior in my department so I can't just 'disappear'

I just need to press the reset button in my life and do what is right for me but now the thought of the future is scaring me. I have savings for 3 or 4 years so am lucky in that respect.

But what happens now?
Will the feelings of anxiety go? Will I fill my days without getting more unhappy.
I had thoughts of getting better mentally then doing some volunteer work - try and do some good.

Has anyone been through any of this before, or knew someone who had?

Thanks for reading and being there...

Yes I've walked that path

I resigned in 2000 aged 36, have never had a full time job since and I've never been happier


I took around a year out. A year to rest and heal and to see where it took me

Therapy will help a lot. It helped me look at what was making me so miserable and stressed,helped me see what changes I needed to make, and how to let the things I couldn't change go

Don't get me wrong, it was a long hard year, I ended up having to leave my partner for a long while whilst I worked on me. But it was what I needed to do at that time


I still get anxious, socially more then anywhere else, my sleep pattern whilst will never be 8 hrs is manageable

After about a year or 18 months I began to feel I could go back to work, but on my terms. Zero hour contracts,for me, have been a godsend. I worked when I felt I could, didn't when I felt I was getting stressed again

I never went back into an office envoirment again either.

So I now earn a pittance compared to what I would be earning if I stayed where I was, but I earn enough to live on, and that's what I do now work to live instead of living to work

I would go back and get signed off now. There's no point in sticking out another 3 months when you are at this stage. Those 12 weeks are 12 weeks you need to stop you completely cracking up

living in London will be a great help for when you feel strong enough to think about work, so many opportunities. It's all so scary ATM because you are in such a bad place mentally, but that will change as you get stronger. Might not be the life you had planned, but it will probably be a better one

redandwhitestripes

Thanks again all for the amazing replies - indepanda, ska lover , everyone.

Polly- yes I have told him how I feel and I am seeing him friday to sort something out. I have told him I will resign - it just isn't in writing yet.
I genuinely can't face going back to work , with the drive etc, but will try and do as much from home as I can.
I know work is a cause of most of the problems but as ska lover said , my brain might be tuned to anxiety, so I might then worry about how to fill the days.

I guess it is important to take it day by day too , not getting too down about the immediate time and at some point I should turn the corner - when that will be - who can say.

I think accepting how things are is a big step for me.
Realising I can't do the job and commute anymore and working towards to different life.

missbiggles1

Sorry to be rather negative but don't discount the fact that seeing your life savings disappear on living expenses can also be very stressful, as can facing a long period on benefits after that has happened.

I'd take some time out (sabbatical or similar) to come up with a positive plan as an alternative to how you're living now. Try to look at alternative ways of managing your life - you would be better off financially, for example, by renting/being a lodger 4 days a week close to your office than you would be living off your savings for years.

ska_lover

redandwhitestripes wrote: »

I know work is a cause of most of the problems but as ska lover said , my brain might be tuned to anxiety, so I might then worry about how to fill the days.

.

Hopefully hun it wont work like that for you and you will be free of it


When I left my awful job (14 months ago) I kept hold of the anxiety, and merely transferred the cause of it on to other things, worries about family, elderly parents - or anything and anything. I had felt anxious for that long that it was normal to feel like that.


I work in a much less stressful job these days and work very hard to keep the anxiety in check - mainly with meditation and mindfulness.


If I were you, I wouldn't walk away, I would run. No job is worth this !!!!. That is all it is, it is a job, a way of paying your bills, your job is not your self worth or anything other than a means to putting a roof over your head.


If you ever want to chat further ,feel free to pm me


Hugs

carefullycautious

I did exactly the same at age 40 and it is more common than you think.


I now work near to home and within the office I work in everyone else have left highly stressful well paid jobs. In fact we have professionals who are now doing admin type roles for far less pay even if it means their pensions are affected.


We are still in a pressurised environment but it is more manageable, and being able to walk to work and have days off to do other things is bliss.


No amount of money would entice me back to that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every waking hour.

PCVET

you are making the right decision for yourselfanf your mental and physical health. take some time to do things you have wanted to do-local classes/yoga/or learn something new even if just for fun. Or i feel feeling adventurous go travelling.. this is a great opportunity to embrace your life.

Lady_Bee

To the OP, I can't offer anymore wisdom than has already been given but I wanted to say congratulations on taking the first step onto a new path and I wish you all the best for the future.

It's all very interesting reading for me, I've just turned 40 and am in the process of trying to get myself out of a life rut. I don't have a stressful job but it is dull beyond belief and I'm so bored. I'm also unmarried with no kids and just feel like life is passing me by. I have some ideas of next steps, it's just a case of now taking that step off the big cliff!