What is a reasonable gift

ness3765

I have Enduring Power of Attorney for my mum as she has Alzheimers and requires support to live independently. In September my partner asked my mum for my hand in Marriage, she gave her blessing and said she would like to pay for my wedding dress. In October my mum took a dip in her Alzheimers and struggles to remember who I am or confuses me with my daughter, but talks to others saying I am getting married........My question is what would be considered as a reasonable gift toward the purchase of my wedding dress ? Although she is more confused and I am in the process of arranging live in care I want to still accept her offer as I know she would want that for me. This is hard for me as I want to do right by my mum as her POA but also its my mum who wanted to do this for me.

Alikay

If your mum wants to pay for your dress, I'd say it's reasonable for her to pay whatever the dress you choose costs. You're her daughter, and she no doubt knows your attitude to money, weddings, clothes etc, and she'll have offered with that in mind. She trusted you enough to make you her POA when she had full mental capacity, so let her treat you to the wedding dress you want to wear on your special day as a gift to the daughter she loves.

It's what I'd want for my daughter, and I know my mum would've wanted to do that for me too.

Mr_Singleton

Alikay wrote: »

If your mum wants to pay for your dress, I'd say it's reasonable for her to pay whatever the dress you choose costs.

But people might think she's taking advantage..... Also what to say that a few weeks before the wedding daughter doesn't claim mother offered to pay for 'cough' 3 week Caribbean cruise with first class flights to and from for the honeymoon?

Alikay

Mr_Singleton wrote: »

But people might think she's taking advantage..... Also what to say that a few weeks before the wedding daughter doesn't claim mother offered to pay for 'cough' 3 week Caribbean cruise with first class flights to and from for the honeymoon?

Why should it matter what "people" think? The OP's mum trusted her daughter with her financial affairs, and offered the gift of buying her wedding dress prior to the dementia developing. If her daughter was the type to blow her mum's money on such an extravagant holiday or commission Vera Wang to design her gown, I doubt she'd have made her her attorney.

If it was me who'd become ill, I'd want my DD to buy the dress we'd have chosen together: In our case, probably something low-to-mid priced from a regular bridal boutique. I'd be furious if she felt she had to buy something cheaper than she'd want to stop "people" judging.

Obviously if complications could arise if mum's care is being funded by the council, it's a different matter, but it wasn't mentioned in the original post.

Person_one

Its not uncommon for parents to pay for a wedding dress. I'd say just keep it reasonable, not eBay but not a one off Vera Wang! You know her finances and you know her, what do you think she would offer if she was able to? What can she comfortably afford without any sacrifice of her own needs/comfort?

JReacher1

These things depend on your mothers financial situation and the cost of the dress. If she's got hundreds of thousands of pounds in savings then spending a grand on her daughters wedding dress is prerfectly reasonable. If she only has a small amount of savings then it's probably unreasonable.

theoretica

I think it also depends on if the mother has more need for all her money now than she did when she made the offer - will paying for the dress impact on her care?

You will also want to be aware of other interested parties - if there is another child who is the type to object you are in a different pragmatic situation from other children agreeing that of course this should happen, even if legally you are the only one with POA.

BrassicWoman

my parents are very confused. I've stopped taking gifts of any kind from them in case it comes back to bite me. I do always ask for a nice card to mark any events, and that is enough for me.

Kynthia

It's tricky as I believe legally you are meant to act in your mother's best interests and not necessarily do everything she would have done. If there isn't another beneficiary of her estate to challenge you and accuse you of doing something wrong, and if you mother isn't currently funding her own care and likely to run out of money in the next couple of years, and she has decent savings then I'd say she could pay for an average dress. I'd say an average wedding dress is £1500 approximately but I know that will horrify some.

TBagpuss

As an attorney you have to act in your mum's best interests, but it is acceptedthat it can be reasonable to continue to use their finds to give gifts as they themselves did. The wedding ress is tricky becusae it isn't something which comes up regularly so you don't have a precedent.

Do you have any siblings, and do you know what (if any) help she gave them on marriage?

I think in your position, I would be considering how much I would plan to spend from my own pocket on a dress if she wasn't helping out, and spend that.


then, separately, decide what you think she can reasonably afford based on her financial position, and how much you think she would have spent if she had not been ill. And base what she gives yuou on the lower of the two figures.

Alternatively you could deicde not to take anything from her but instead tio think of, and suggest to her, a diferent way in which she could be a part of the wedding - for instance, if she were to lend you an item of jewellry.

DigForVictory

TBagpuss, you would *certainly* pass the most exhaustive scrutiny, but you might not deliver what mother & daughter hoped for.

Agree on liaising with any siblings.

How might you feel about hiring a dress, ness 3765? As that way you could spend less but still have amazing photos & the agency involved would ensure you got maximum wow for the wad. And while £1500 may seem a lot, it isn't for a wedding dress. The Dream Business routinely adds a zero to the invoice. Hiring for under a grand will still get you something sensational but much less to reproach you with later.

Mum bought mine, it did the job (it was Not a passionate affair of the heart) & went to a charity within months. Not what we'd hoped for but what happened - better a hired sensation & good feelings/memories/photos than a bought compromise with you recalling other more amazing articles.

All the very best with both mum & wedding & Marriage!!