Wills and things

Hi everyone,


I've put this question here to get a range of suggestions/comments from people who've maybe been there, done that perhaps.


I own property outright and have cash in the bank (am late fifties). I've been divorced for years so it belongs to me only.


I have 2 adult children, both now married. 1 set are very good to me in that I see a lot of them and get on well with their spouse.


The other child I love to bits, but their new spouse resents me for some reason and wants to put a wedge between me and child.


Said child needs to grow a backbone if I'm honest, although I wouldn't say it to them of course. They can't see that they are being manipulated by their spouse. Yet I'm not the interfering mother/mother in law type, so I'll keep quiet.


However, I can reflect how they treat me when it comes to my Will. I probably wont' tell them I'm going to change my Will. It currently stands at 50% each sibling.


part of my question is though, should I do this? I know they are not automatically entitled to anything - either of them.


How would you handle this?
Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
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Comments

  • DigForVictory
    DigForVictory Posts: 11,905 Forumite
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    The other financial chap, Alvin (?) whose money show did not hold the viewers attention, not only broadcasts who's getting what but updates it every year. Which is either useful or blackmail depending on perception.

    It's your money. You can drink champagne, dance up on the table & leave it all to the Scouts, or divide it up, just spell out what you have done & why in a letter so the judge can uphold your wishes if pushed.

    Me, I'm all for a bit more honesty, though maybe not on an annual basis. Especially if you're going to be "unfair"as the siblings may accept it a bit right now & go off & feel wounded later. (Grief does a number on logic - ask any solicitor!)

    I'd also get powers of attorney sorted, executors etc - invite them all over, feed them then Have The Conversation. You may want to say it's rigged to support the grandchildren but other spouse may have fertility issues you wot not of (let alone *other* issues) so I'd step lightly around the why face to face.

    You could do a Trump - “I will keep you in suspense” but that's no way to treat those who have loved & supported you thus far & no way to remind daughter-in-law that there's a serious dollar value in cooperation. (Although why you should have to buy it is beyond me.)
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    Thanks Dig, as it stands, both children are executors, but I'm thinking I may change that as the 'other child' might make it difficult to administer the Will when they find out they are not getting as much as they thought.


    This same child is adamant they don't want children ever. To the point of getting it surgically 'fixed'.


    and yes, I must get my POA sorted too.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • Biggles
    Biggles Posts: 8,209 Forumite
    Combo Breaker First Post
    Hmm, I have a slightly similar problem myself but have only partly resolved it.

    I take it the second one is a son? Someone told me, 'A daughter's your daughter for all her life. A son's your son till he gets a wife'. It's so true!
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    Biggles wrote: »
    Hmm, I have a slightly similar problem myself but have only partly resolved it.

    I take it the second one is a son? Someone told me, 'A daughter's your daughter for all her life. A son's your son till he gets a wife'. It's so true!



    Yes, this adage does seem to be true, from speaking to friends.


    How did you manage to partly resolve it Biggles?
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • Annisele
    Annisele Posts: 4,827 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I'd be concerned that anything other than an 50/50 split would tank your childrens' relationship with each other.

    Whether or not you explain your reasoning, the child with more might feel under pressure to do a deed of variation to put things back to a 50/50 footing.
  • The point about a change to the will being damaging to the relationship between your children is a good one, and I would not do that just because of his wife, although you might want their wives differently should either of your children pre decease you.

    Apart from one child going of the rails compleatly I would only treat them differently, if one of them was much worse of financially, but I would make them aware why I had acted this way before I snuff it.
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    Annisele wrote: »
    I'd be concerned that anything other than an 50/50 split would tank your childrens' relationship with each other.

    Whether or not you explain your reasoning, the child with more might feel under pressure to do a deed of variation to put things back to a 50/50 footing.





    Or not, they know my reasoning and they aren't close anyway, never have been.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    The point about a change to the will being damaging to the relationship between your children is a good one, and I would not do that just because of his wife, although you might want their wives differently should either of your children pre decease you.

    Apart from one child going of the rails compleatly I would only treat them differently, if one of them was much worse of financially, but I would make them aware why I had acted this way before I snuff it.



    Yet no one should expect to get anything from a Will should they. anything that either of them get will be a bonus not a right.


    As said above, they have never been close and I can forsee the gulf getting wider to be honest - based on happenings in the last few days.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,664 Forumite
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    I have a sibling who sounds like your child. Practically lost contact for years, until the marriage failed. Now we're back to pre-marriage relationships and contact has been resumed.

    You said you love them but new partner is trying to drive a wedge between you. Sounds like you're letting them do it then compounding it by the different arrangements in your will. Which is entirely your right to do.

    But we worked in the hope that errant family member would one day want to put relationships right. Which did happen - a lot of the previous silliness was to do with fear of losing contact with children if he did "grow a backbone". But telling them you're changing the will sends out a pretty big signal, not about the money but how you feel about the person. Which might send them in the opposite direction.
    We always hoped sibling would see sense, and left the door open for that to happen. What you're suggesting might close that door for good.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    Some good points there elsien, which is why I posted to get some other takes on the problem.


    How else can I express my disappointment with how they've behaved? Money seems to be their new spouse's motivator and if nothing else, I need to prevent them getting their hands on my money.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
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