EH - Essex > Hebrides...the next step of the adventure?

greenbee

My dad died just over 5 years ago of oesophageal cancer. The one great comfort is that he didn’t have a stroke and end up trapped in his own body like my grandfather, or develop dementia - the two things he was really afraid might happen. As it was he died peacefully at home, with family and no fuss, and didn’t have to have the fuss of nursing and carers which he would have hated. 

savingholmes

I don't think you sound heartless at all. I think for many - by the time the end comes it is a relief. A natural part of the cycle. I'm glad you have memories you can cherish which hopefully over time will help dull the grief of the later memories when she was more lost to you.

beanielou

So sorry to read about Auntie D.

My reversing is dire.

RosaBernicia

Sorry to hear about your auntie EH. 

And thank you for, as you say, trying to normalise complicated feelings.  It only makes things harder when people feel 'shoulds' in addition to everything else. 

CL21

Sorry to hear about your great Aunt EH, grief is such a complicated thing! When my FIL died he’d been ill for a long time and the overwhelming emotion was relief that he was finally out of pain. It’s truly sad though when someone you love dies. Thinking of you 

EssexHebridean

Thank you all - so many really thoughtful and considered words. It's a conversation I think needs to be had a lot more to be honest - my family are VERY open about the subject of death, I'm an only child and I think that sometimes single child families just are, as there's not going to be anyone to share the load when parents die, for example - but even I didn't feel able to tell my parents how guilty I felt around feeling relief over my grandad's death for years. Of course when I did they both confirmed they'd felt precisely the same sense of relief, and for the same reasons. @Staffordia I'm so sorry that made you cry, although I have a feeling from your words that it may not be in an altogether bad way?  Dementia/Altzheimers is a disease I hate with an absolute passion - so incredibly cruel to all those who come into contact with it. 

We had a good family chat yesterday and now have a good idea of what D's wishes were (although they may not be possible to carry out - that needs investigation) and where we need to go next with arrangements. The funeral is unlikely to be for a few weeks with Christmas in the way (and we feel it would be a bit rushed to get it done before Christmas) and then MrEH and I being away - although if needs be I'll travel back for it, but everyone else is happy for it to wait so fingers crossed that will work. 

I got nicely ahead of myself yesterday when we got home by prepping tonights tea (Moussaka-ish) and tomorrows (Chilli) - much as it felt like a faff at the time I reminded myself that future me would be grateful and sure enough, she is! Lots of jobs to get sorted tonight as both the WM and the DW ran last night - ideally I'd like us to get the hoover round and do a 15 minute general tidy as well but we'll see how that goes. 

Surveys are ticking along - I need to be ready to pounce on anything from Power of opinions this week to try to get that tipped over the edge.
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As the weather has warmed up a bit this week both heaters are now turned down a notch although we'll need to keep an eye on how things go there as at this time of year if the temperature drops too low it's a devil to get it warmed up again. It was almost too warm when we got home yesterday evening though! Not complaining as it's not such a bad problem to have! 

I'm in work today through to Wednesday then off to Lincolnshire on Thursday morning first thing - a bit of photography, a catch up with a couple of good friends and a meal at my favourite pub all of which should be grand! Home again Friday. 

milann

I fully understand your emotions of relief. I felt the same when my Sister in law passed away with early onset dementia. She was only 46 when it was diagnosed and they reckon the shock of my brother’s  fatal heart attack brought it on. She existed about 15 years and it was torturous watching my nephew and nieces do their best….they youngest were only teenagers when it struck. Remember the good times. 

Well done on getting ahead on tasks👍

EssexHebridean

Ahh Milann that is so sad - how awful for the whole family. 100% with you on remember the good times, too. 

I'm really pretty chuffed (and honestly, a bit surprised!) with  how well my Christmas prep is going. I need to do some wrapping over the next couple of nights as I have my pal's stuff to wrap to take with me on Thursday. Other than that, I have all MrEH's stuff bought - and most wrapped too. Mum's is either bought, or at least will be once I hit buy on the Amazon basket, and Dad is almost sorted I think allowing I have one present which is jointly theirs but he can open. He's SO tricky to buy for though, and all the more so now as he gets older and mostly has the stuff he wants and needs! MrEH needs to decide what we're getting for his parents - but that is his responsibility, same as the nieces & nephews. I've not got the headspace for it right now and I'm not going to nag him about it either else it'll just turn into an argument. Thanks to a very conscious cutting back of what we buy and for who, that's pretty much it.  I'll do cards for neighbours, and my parents, MrEH will do a card for his parents, but that's the only one that gets posted - it's a charity donation in lieu of any more, and in fact I need to mention that on FB too so people are reminded that's what we do.  the only other thing I still need to finally pull together is the Homeless Shelter donation box - just need to pop to Aldi for some last bits for that.

It feels most strange - I'm never this ahead of the game! 

Staffordia

Yes thanks EH, the tears weren't all in a bad way. I think that it doesn't matter how old you are, when you lose your mother the grief stays with you, even if it is in your subconscious most of the time. 

girlatplay

To put a more amusing slant on things, bf said that when it's his time to go he wants to be cremated and half of his ashes scattered in the park next to where he grew up, as he played there for the whole of his childhood.  The other half he wants us to take to the Maldives and he wants to be out on a sun lounger with a cocktail then be scattered in the sea.  I have told him that the park is no problem, I know exactly where he wants to be.  We both grew up within walking distance.  The Maldives, on the other hand, is unlikely to happen.  Our local beach is within walking distance from where I live at the moment.  I said we'll put him on a li-lo and push him into the North Sea.  It's the sea, it's all the same.  He's not impressed and says he'll come back to haunt us if we do that.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with that story.