Changing habits, wanting freedom

jvr

Thank you - I thought would be totally against any medication as he's funny even taking painkillers, but maybe shows how bad things have got!
I went in with him to help him explain, he got very anxious at idea of going. Doc was really good and has signed him off for three weeks, given him info about cbt to look at longer term dealing with stress. He suggested he look at longer term if job is suibtable or not and gave him an anti anxiety that has side effect of drowsiness to help with sleeping then he has to go back in few weeks. Feel relived that bit is done and emailed his manager to tell her not heard back yet.
Things are also not going well with the boy my mum looks after but that is another long tale - really worried about my mums mental health.
Doesn't rain but it pours

Chandelier.

Jvr, maybe the three weeks off may do him the world of good and give him chance to reevaluate things. Mental health is defiantly important and one to look after. It's good that you're supportive and attended his appointment. You're both managing it well together which is a bonus.

I hope your mum is okay.

It's alot for you to cope with but just remember this is temporary, it will soon pass.

NoOneAround

Hi Jvr,
Haven't been on here much recently but just had a quick catch up.
Sorry that things are so tough at the moment. It is really good that Oh has admitted his thoughts about work, at least you can both deal with it now, however hard it seems. Mental health and well being is vital, everything else can wait. And you have the added worry of your mum trying to cope too - so much going on. You are doing really well juggling it all.

NOA
x

JWPopps

Just want to add my agreement with everyone that it's really good news your OH has the time to recuperate a bit, it sounds well-needed!

As for your mum, I'm sorry to hear that too - really hope she's ok.

Honey_Bear

That all sounds as though you're having an extremely stressful time to be honest, JVR.

I'm glad your OH's been signed off work and has been prescribed something that will ease his anxiety and hopefully help him sleep more easily. All that's very good.

It's early days in his recovery but I'd suggest the following things, rather than waiting to see if things improve and then dealing with the fallout if they don't. Dealing with fallout is harder than taking steps to prevent it happening in the first place, and there are very simple things you can do.

Alcohol disrupts sleep. The less both of you drink at the moment, the better.

If your OH and you have already worked out that you could survive on minimum wage, that's fantastic, but it's far from ideal. Is it the work or the company he's currently working for that has led to the stress? Whatever he does for a living would probably be better paid and takes advantage of his unique skillset, so would it not be helpful to see if there's anything available out there in his line of work if it's just the current set up that's the problem? I'm not suggesting he should change jobs, but I am suggesting it would be a good idea while he's off work to see what else would be available. Are there any agencies locally that might be worth contacting?

I also had a slight attack of the vapours reading this line in an earlier post:

jvr wrote: »

I have now done money transfer to put these onto our credit card

I'm not sure how much of your debt is on your credit card, but that's about the most expensive way to have debt. Overdrafts aren't glamorous but they're a lot cheaper than credit cards unless you can find a 0% deal, which I hope you have, and diary it for transfer before the deal expires. If you don't, or your situation changes and you can't, the interest rate will cripple you. As you know. I'm just reminding you.

jvr wrote: »

No point doing new budget till I know ish where we stand just will try have minimum spends.
Feel bit lost.

These two things are related. You will not feel lost if you are prepared for the most likely outcomes. I strongly suggest you do several budgets:

• a 'worst case scenario' budget (you in work, your OH out of work),
• a 'next best case scenario' budget (you in work, your OH in a minimum wage job)
• a 'best case scenario' budget (you in work, your OH in a new job at a realistic wage for his skillset and experience) and
• have another look at your current situation with both of you earning what you currently earn, in other words fresh eyes on why the debt isn't reducing, and if it is, why it isnt' reducing faster.

I don't know how you calculate your budget, whether you use something like 'You Need a Budget' or whether you do it on the back of a fag packet or a spreadsheet you've designed yourself but whatever the format is, you need a great deal of information at your finger tips so that you don't feel lost.


While you have rising debt and an unstable income I think you need to focus on getting out of debt as fast as possible, paying down as much as you can on the higher interest debts so that the situation is improving all the time.

Realistically, I think you need to re-examine whether saving to go to South Africa is costing you extra interest on debts you can ill afford while your husband's work situation is so tenuous.

It's all very well telling your OH not to worry about money, but that means you are taking on all the responsibility of trying to make everything work out, and that while you're also concerned about your mother's mental health. I am concerned that your stress levels and money things will snowball very quickly if you're constantly taking on other people's emotional stuff as well as the debt issue.

jvr

Thanks Chandelier ……. the time off seems to be doing wonders for him!
NOA…. Thank you it was huge for him to admit there is a problem so I am actually feeling relieved.
Thanks, Popps…. Mum is under a lot of stress at moment now the youth offending team are involved she actually seems to be getting some support which she hasn’t got from the social workers but we shall see. (btw I have friends who are social workers in case anyone things I am just being harsh, I know how difficult the job is but these ones have been truly terrible)
Thanks Honey, so he has chosen not to take the medication so far but is doing much better and actually speaking positively about going back as they have made some changes. He has also switched to non-alcoholic drinks which is HUGE!!
It is all on 0% now but this will change so see my plan coming up….
Whatever else SA is a must, If needed I would skip it again but OH hasn’t been in two years and it is effecting him as his family and friends can’t afford to travel here.
You made a really good point about me telling OH not to worry about the money, realised it’s my go to thing of ‘don’t worry I will take it all on’ and then when I can’t it gets me down and stressed. So, I have come up with a plan and now I need to get OH on board.
Basically, I read the no more Harvard debt blog and it really struck a chord with me, yes I could live comfortably and pay off over two years as long as nothing major happened but that means I have no freedom during that time and it doesn’t go a long way to changing my attitudes to money which I still think relies on ‘treats’ and a belief that it takes money to have fun.
I really want to change this and get the freedom I set out a year ago to get and let’s be honest have got nowhere with.
So, starting the 21st July and lasting 10 months, I want to save, make, sell off to get £9,000 this being enough to pay off the debt and SA. Now this will not be easy as now we are paying £250 to debt a month and I’m looking at having £900 set aside each month for debt and SA. Will go through all accounts and starting point when have a chance so I can see exact amount I need but this is the plan. The other part of the plan is to still socialise and do more fun things during this time…. But with a lot less spending money
I have started a clear out to declutter so car boot sale may make £80 otherwise not much to sell that I don’t need, so will look at any bills or anything im willing to sacrifice for 10 months etc. Extra money I could earn £100 a month would drop it by £1000 over that time. The idea is that this is not going to necessarily be a way I could or want to live forever but maybe would teach me some lessons.
Now to enthusiastically get OH on board

Florence_J

I think you can set anything you put your mind to.

I am doing a 'No Spend Year' on 'things' so I am not buying clothes, shoes, dvds, jewellery, books, cds, records, magazines, accessories, homeware items or anything that is a thing/takes up space. I can spend money on socialising-like a meal out or drinks-or on gifts for other people, or postage and packaging, or health related things or normal grocery/household shopping-but that is all I want to spend my money on.

Have I religiously stuck to it? No, but my total spends on 'banned items' this year are less than £100. I have used Shop and Scan to buy clothes with vouchers, costing me just 38p in money, I have embraced the local library as it is like seeing my Amazon basket come to life, and I have been able to socialise with my friends at the drop of a hat because the money has been in my account because I haven't spent it on anything.

I don't say any of that in a 'holier than thou' way, but I got into debt because I had a shopping addiction, and now I don't buy anything, and I have decided that after this year I may ease up-but only slightly-as I plan to live this way until my debt is cleared.

What I'm trying to say is you will be surprised by what you can achieve when you give it your all, and I have every confidence that you will succeed. You have already put in the hard work so you can achieve whatever you set out to now.

Honey_Bear

So glad to hear your OH is on the mend.

I think that's about as sensible as you can get, and good luck with it. The sooner you get rid of the debt, the less interest you'll pay, so it ends up being the cheapest way to deal with it too. Well done and good luck.

SpekySquarehead

Hey JVR.

You sound more determined that ever. I agree with HB, the sooner the debt is gone the better. It'll help you financially and mentally. For me there was a constant grey cloud hanging over me with regards to my debt and I felt such a lift when I paid it off. You've got that to look forward to.

jvr

Helloooo


Thanks for your messages, I have had some time off with OH that has been lovely and he is doing much better and hoping will cope back at work.


Had the money conversation and he seems on board...... we shall see!


so I am looking at 9,000 over 10 months to pay for sa and all the debt. whilst also saving for car insurance next year, got the mot coming up, speading fine for OH (idiot), new passport for OH (dogs fault) two weddings! Walk in the park haha. I know I may not make the deadline but gonna do everything I can to get there.
Did my sums and ready for pay day! will fingers crossed pay off £700 this month while also putting aside for the other bits (if) we can change major habits on spending particularly the nipping to the shop habit