Aspie and relationships

Better_Days

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Or to put it another way, different people have different personalities, whether they have "aspergers" syndrome or not.

No I didn't quite mean that, sorry I wasn't clear. There is a difference between personality and behaviour. There are various definitions, but personality can be seen as what we are, and behaviour as what we do.

Personality affects behaviour. Behaviour can be changed for example if a person has the self awareness to realise that a change in behaviour has beneficial consequences. Behaviour maybe different even if the underlying 'traits' are the same.

So if someone has sufficient insight they may choose to change their behaviour if the consequences are sufficiently rewarding. Or they may change behaviour depending on the situation and individuals involved. There are factors which affect this, including the family dynamics.

ElefantEd

My son has Asperger's. One key thing is he has had to learn social and communication skills ; however, using them doesn't come naturally to him as they tend to for neurotypical people, and being in a social situation is thus hard work. A useful analogy is holding a conversation in a foreign language: you can do it but it is a strain and at some point you just need to have a rest. So an Aspie might need to be alone to recuperate energy - it's not rudeness, it's simply an inability to keep going. So don't take it amiss if this happens, just accept it - there is nothing 'wrong', and talking to the Aspie will not help!

duchy

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Ineffective social skills are not always due to Aspergers or a medical condition.

Therefore the way they are dealt with will differ according to the situation and the cause.

No one said they were......what point are you trying to make ?

MediaGuy

Hi,

I have Asperger's syndrome. I am both married and diagnosed (double whammy). I am on the lower end of the spectrum. You ask how our minds work...

Essentially we have incredible difficulties with social situations. I often make an inappropriate joke but the people who know me, know this and let it slide.

Those close to us we do love although we are not really touchy feely types and tend to be very introverted.

I personally have a lot of difficulty with expressions and although I can pick up the extremes of the range, I can't get the smaller subtle hints.

Frequently we have better relationships to our pets that we have with people outside our immediate circle.

Communication is often perfunctory and a means to an end. Just because we aren't talking doesn't always mean something. Sure most of us can engage in chitchat but it isn't where our skills lie.

I can't really answer to many of your questions without knowing exactly what you want to know (Did I mention that we are not good at guessing this stuff, social cues )

Regards

MG

[Deleted User]

My older son (20) has aspergers.., its likely I do too.., as does his younger brother.

He does have difficulties seeing when he's talked about something for too long and people have switched off, he does have problems picking up cues and knows it, so can make socialising very difficult for him. He doesn't know what he should react to and what not. He has a lovely sense of humour but can take the personal remarks others say with humour seriously when they weren't meant that way at all. We are both terribly literal.., if you say something, often won't see any meaning beyond the obvious. And sometimes, what my son thinks is obvious will be obvious only to him (so leading to misunderstandings). Sometimes he will say things without a clue they are upsetting or cutting and it can take a while to get him to understand why it was.

However, having said that my son is very loving and caring. He will help anyone, even at risk of making himself too vulnerable. He had a girlfriend and was so caring and protective of her (in a healthy way) it made me see him in a whole new more adult way.

He has had a lot of nasty things happen (school related) and this has affected his confidence and faith in the 'goodness' of life. He can be quite negative but is still willing to give his all to things. He doesn't like the unpredictable.

He can get quite irritable if pulled away from his obsession, games (pc and board). I never saw this with his gf though lol.

I think with people with aspergers you tend to know where you are. They don't play games.., which can be nice if you aren't into that.., but you may need to ask if you want to understand a reaction. You will get the bald truth, regardless of your feelings lol.

Having said all that, we have a house filled with love and laughter and life is never ever boring lol.

I learned years ago that if he was angry after a bad day, the thing he most wanted was a hug, to know that he was loveable (I'd ask if he wanted a hug and he'd calm down within seconds). Unfortunately people who don't know this can see expressed anger as threatening. It isn't.