Aspie and relationships

.Gigolo_Aunt

Is it aspergers that has been diagnosed by a doctor, or has the person decided they're an 'aspie' after having done a quiz on FaceBook?

Very relevant - one is a neurological condition, the other is a self-imposed label used as a card to play when they don't feel like making the effort to be polite and sociable.

-taff

Not very good at showing emotion sometimes and take things very literally, so if someone is being sarcastic, I will miss it and assume they are being truthful.
Not very gushy, physical contact is hard to do, mainly with friends though to be honest. Once I decide I am with someone, I am with them whole heartedly [ didn't mean that pun to happen], but if they stop paying attention to me, or I feel like I am no longer as important [ I don't mean constant attention or hugs/kisses constantly, generally more asking me things, showing an interest in my opinion etc - which I suppose is pretty much the same for anyone really] then I will stop having a relationship with them in my head and then take months to break it off.
I dislike imbalance in a relationship too, people expecting me to act like a female annoys me. When I say female, I mean wishy washy, or non confrontational, or a doormat.

I like it when someone does what they say they are going to do and I hate people lying to me. Honesty and truthfullness are very important.

Not sure what else to say really. I learned most of my social cues from girly female friends, so I'm probably missing quite a lot of things that 'normal' people see.

PasturesNew

.Gigolo_Aunt wrote: »

Very relevant - one is a neurological condition, the other is a self-imposed label used as a card to play when they don't feel like making the effort to be polite and sociable.

Anybody who has a diagnosis was at some point an undiagnosed person.

I'm not diagnosed. Wouldn't know how ... too scared of the potential problems when trying to deal with "people" along the route .... and "what's the point anyway" as you don't get a magic pill.

baby_lemonade

duchy wrote: »

Does it matter?
If Aspergers traits are present they are present......a doctor writing it down doesn't change them.

Ineffective social skills are not always due to Aspergers or a medical condition.

Therefore the way they are dealt with will differ according to the situation and the cause.

baby_lemonade

PasturesNew wrote: »

I'm not diagnosed.

So how do you know you've got it (genuine question)?

fishybusiness

Does it matter?
If Aspergers traits are present they are present......a doctor writing it down doesn't change them.

Personally I think it matters.

Doctors don't diagnose btw, well a dr in psychology might, but not a GP type doctor.

Being diagnosed is often a relief for the person. For those around an aspie, insight is the the key, and having the diagnosis kick starts a learning process often, including for those around an aspie.

Also, apsie diagnosis can make such a difference to the experience in the education system. The difficulties are still there but the journey can be easier and there are many organisations that help with transition through education and in to a work situation.

Better_Days

I have a sister and nephew who have been diagnosed with Aspergers and another nephew as moderately autistic.

My sister (in her 50's) and the moderately autistic nephew (now in his teens) are very similar in behaviour although the nephew is unlikely to ever able to read and write and my sister has followed her education to degree level. They both have formed a very strong reciprocal bonds with a caregiver(s) (mother and mother/grandmother).

But this is to the exclusion of others. Apart from these relationships they just can't seem to see the point of bothering with anyone else, and only seem to view others insofar as they can give them what they want, or prevent them from getting what they want. Although having strong feelings and preferences themselves, there appears to be an inability/lack of willingness to appreciate that those around them may also have feelings and preferences.

Neither have a good relationship with siblings or have anything other than 'casual' friends. The nephew is manipulative of both his mother and siblings, my sister less so.

My sister is miserable. consumers_revenge description of 'tales of woe' is very familiar. My sister will write long emails and letters complaining about how awful her life is. She wants friends and social relationships but can't seem to bring herself to put effort into friendships when there is no immediate reward. She says she has to put her needs first, but lacks interest in the needs of others even when they are pointed out to her, and the potential benefits in taking those needs into account. She feels she doesn't get the recognition she deserves (due in great part to our mother telling her throughout her childhood how wonderful she was) and as a result she is resentful.

For my moderately autistic nephew the immediacy of pleasure is also important, and he will ignore instructions that he understands because he would rather do something that he enjoys, even if it is unsafe or to the detriment (sometimes considerable) to those around him. He will lie without qualm. The lack of consequences for his behaviour is not, in my view, beneficial to him in the longer term. It is difficult to see how he will ever form social relationships outside the family or any level of independence if his behaviour continues as it does now.

OTOH my other nephew, also diagnosed with Aspergers (he is 9 now) is sensitive to the feelings of others and when we speak on the phone will always ask with interest how I and DH are and also the animals. He loved one of our dogs a great deal and was very upset when the dog passed away. He understands, in an age appropriate way, the consequences of his behaviour on others and unlike his brother will follow instructions, even if it prevents him from doing something he likes to do.

He has lots of friends and has been elected 'class ambassador' at school, a role that involves mediating between pupils and teachers if there are problems. He is very aware that his grandmother doesn't like him (although not yet realising that is because she doesn't like his father. TBH I think the grandmother is also on the autistic spectrum). He understands in a vague way that siblings within his family are treated unequally, which undermines his self esteem. He does exhibit repetitive behaviours which help calm him and would engage in these behaviours excessively if not distracted or diverted into other activities. I'd say he is averagely intelligent, but he does have a very good visual memory and will methodically and without prompting follow the instructions to put together a lego toy. I don't think he will have significant problems forming social relationships as an adult or living independently.

Basic personality probably also plays a part in how the autism affects behaviour. From what I have observed in my own family, the nature of the strong relationship with the primary care-giver is also very important. If the family dynamic is structured solely or mainly around the needs of the person with Aspergers/autism then this I think has the potential to hinder the development of social skills insofar as they are possible.

So in response to the OP, I'd say that there are traits associated with Aspergers/Autism of which it is helpful to be aware, but they exhibit differently and to different degrees in each individual. The wider context of family dynamics are also worthy of consideration.

ETA: If you watch The Big Bang Theory, the character of Sheldon gives an insight into Aspergers, and is, I think, pretty funny too.

baby_lemonade

Better_Days wrote: »

So in response to the OP, I'd say that there are traits associated with Aspergers/Autism of which it is helpful to be aware, but they exhibit differently and to different degrees in each individual. The wider context of family dynamics are also worthy of consideration.

Or to put it another way, different people have different personalities, whether they have "aspergers" syndrome or not.

consumers_revenge

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Or to put it another way, different people have different personalities, whether they have "aspergers" syndrome or not.

Agree with this. Theres no one size fits all. What would the person be like without aspergers?


Lots of Aspies never have any close friends due to social skills. My son has had the same best friend from 4 years oldtil 10 then hes now got a new best friend just before seniors school. Now also wants a girlfriend lol. Can just be 'aware' of others. They are just there and have no real meaning.


Family wise very loving to all and very loyal to his smaller sister.


Horses for courses.


CR

PasturesNew

baby_lemonade wrote: »

So how do you know you've got it (genuine question)?

I could give you a very very long answer here, as aspies tend to ... whether you want it or not ... but I've learnt that sometimes I need to say nothing or keep it short.

If you met me and knew anything about it .... it'd be obvious