Vasectomy - Follow up

gabriel1980

I previously posted about getting a vasectomy https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5512213


I went and spoke to the doctor who referred me to the hospital. I've had a letter now saying it will happen before the 16th December this year.


I feel a bit trepidatious about the procedure itself. It was all just a plan and now it's actually happening. Spoken at length to fianc!e about it, who's fully supportive, but stops short of telling me what to do, as she understand it's my decision. She would be very happy to stop taking the pill and suffering from the side-effects, but doesn't want to force me into it.


I've been with fianc!e for 9 and a bit years, getting married early 2018. She's always been upfront about not wanting children and, to be honest, I never really considered it. I wasn't adamantly against children, I didn't have a feeling either way. I guess the decision was "out of my hands" if that makes sense, I didn't have to make any sort of decision as kids just weren't going to happen. Now I'm making a firm decision to never have children.


I can't see myself with children, I've never had the urge to have children. I don't want the responsibility or the hassle. All money I make I want to spend on myself or my partner. Some people say, "What's the point of getting married without having children?" "It'll just be you and her, what are you going to do with your lives?" I certainly don't think children would improve my life. I think the anxiety comes from the operation itself and having to make the ultimate decision which I never had to before. The again I'm certainly not going to be with my partner if I suddenly want children!

fairy_lights

gabriel1980 wrote: »

"What's the point of getting married without having children?" "It'll just be you and her, what are you going to do with your lives?"

What will you do without children? Oh, I don't know, travel, explore new hobbies, breed German Shepherds, drink expensive wine on a veranda overlooking an Italian Vineyard while laughing heartily at a joke your close personal friend George Clooney has just made.
You can have a good life without children if that's what you choose and I'm surprised that people would question you on it.
Don't let other people's attitudes sway you.
But, it does like you maybe have a few tiny reservations of your own? If you're not completely ready to close that door, could you reschedule the operation for next year to give you more time to decide?

Faith177

My Aunt and Uncle have been happily married now for 30 years they decided from the start they didn't want children either it just doesn't appeal to them at all.

They love their life together they go on holidays whenever they want, they have a gorgeous home, interesting hobbies (my uncle does deep sea diving) and they have me and my brother to do things with if they want to pictures, holidays away and days out ect

They still get asked about children even now they just laugh it off

If you and your fiance are happy then it is no-ones business. It is natural to be anxious about something like this but it sounds like your fiance is really supportive so I wish you both the best and hope you have a speedy recovery from the Op

Person_one

I firmly believe that people should only have children if they really desperately want them and can't imagine life without them. There's nothing wrong with realising that it isn't for you, and far better to recognise it than to create a whole new life half-heartedly, or because you think you should and everybody else is doing it!

That said, there's no deadline, and if you are having these little doubts then I agree with fairy lights that it might be an idea to postpone. You want to feel 100% absolutely certain on the day you go for the op. If your partner is finding her pill problematic, she should go to her GP, there are so many options available now there is almost certainly going to be one that suits her better.

Money_maker

Your wife to be definitely doesn't want kids and you are not bothered either way. After this op, you wont be able to father any but she will still be able to change her mind. You are marrying her the year after next. Personally I would hold fire for a bit. She gets headaches on the pill, I presume you have looked at the other options. It's very final for a guy who's ' I wasn't adamantly against children, I didn't have a feeling either way'.

baby_lemonade

If she definitely doesn't want kids, full stop, surely she should get sterilised?

catkins

gabriel1980 wrote: »

Some people say, "What's the point of getting married without having children?" "It'll just be you and her, what are you going to do with your lives?" I certainly don't think children would improve my life. I think the anxiety comes from the operation itself and having to make the ultimate decision which I never had to before. The again I'm certainly not going to be with my partner if I suddenly want children!

I had a guy who I barely knew ask why me and OH bothered getting married if we didn't want children! Such a rude and stupid thing to say.

baby_lemonade wrote: »

If she definitely doesn't want kids, full stop, surely she should get sterilised?

A vasectomy is a much quicker and easier op. I suggested getting sterilised but my OH said he would rather have a vasectomy

Lunar_Eclipse

This sounds like more than anxiety regarding the procedure. You appear (understandably) confused regarding children. It could be your age, or the fact you are engaged to be married, the operation itself or something else (society's pressure etc.)

I would suggest delaying the procedure, for at least a year after you get married, as I suspect this will become clear soon enough. Although it's also important to know that there's a high success rate in male vasectomy reversal.

Have children if you want them and don't listen to other people. There are plenty of things to occupy your time with and children are a significant life changer. I wouldn't even discuss it with other people actually, bar your partner obviously, but look around at families you see, think about what's important to you now and in the future and decide whatever you want. It's your life and your choice.

baby_lemonade

catkins wrote: »

A vasectomy is a much quicker and easier op.

Well that's as maybe, but if she's the one who's adamant she never wants kids, and he's easygoing about it, what happens if at some point in the future he finds he does want kids with someone else.

Kynthia

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Well that's as maybe, but if she's the one who's adamant she never wants kids, and he's easygoing about it, what happens if at some point in the future he finds he does want kids with someone else.

She doesn't want a major operation and isn't asking the OP to have this one either. If he doesn't want it he's free not to have it. However as part of a loving couple they are looking at birth control as a couple. He knows hormonal contraception isn't agreeing with her and is therefore considering this. So I don't understand why you feel she should be sterilised? The options are continue as they are for now or he have the operation. The OP needs to decide whether his concerns are about having an operation or about making a final decision about having children.

surveyqueenuk

gabriel1980 wrote: »

Some people say, "What's the point of getting married without having children?" "It'll just be you and her, what are you going to do with your lives?"!

These are classic "bingos", along with other gems like "You were a child once", "It's different when they're your own" and my personal favourite, "Who will look after you when you're old?".