Family Dilema over Parents future welfare

basil92

All makes for very depressive reading..

I read the first 10 or so posts and from what I can see the brother has screwed his parents out of a lot of money without a care for them or his siblings...

Don't think any of this will end well for anyone...

Very sad.

elsien

BritishBibliophile wrote: »

You need to sort out power of attorney and you need to do it soon. Get it for both your parents and insist that both you and your brother hold it. Tell your brother that you feel it would be best in case he's on holiday or otherwise uncontactable in the event of an emergency, in reality though you should do it just so you can act as a balance if necessary.

Please do not wait until things get worse before you sort this out, POA is so important and having it will make things a lot easier for your family all round.

POA is important, but needs to be done without coercion.
No one has any right to insist on who holds it, and whether it should be one person or two, aside from the person drawing it up, ie mum. In fact mum can choose not to do one at all if she wishes - an unwise decision, but hers to make nevertheless.
If dad has dementia, it may already be too late for him to put one in place, in which case a deputy application could be made to the court of protection.
It is possible that brother is operating accounts using a third party mandate, which is fine as long as the account holder has capacity. My niece does this for my aunt to pay her bills etc because she'd prefer not to leave the house to do it herself.

I'd also like to respond to a previous comment about the OP getting their rightful inheritance. There's no such thing. Anyone can will whatever they like to whoever they like, if they have capacity to do so.

exiled_red

The whole situation sounds like a terrible mess. The changes in circumstance make it sound as though an extension is not needed but that your parents need the money as it sounds like your father may need some kind of care in the not too distant future which makes the potential issue of depravation of assets a real one. Your brother holding off on the extension sounds like the only option at this point as it doesn't sound like your parents, you or your siblings have the money to pay for parents care if the money from their house gets thrown into an extension for your brother's house.

Also £100k on an extension - what are they doing?

Power of attorney is something that you really need to look into for your father, possibly your mother as well depending on her situation. Your brother having free reign on your parents bank accounts unofficially doesn't seem like a good idea.

One other thing that hasn't been mentioned is whether your parents actually intend to leave everything equally to the three children? While it might seem likely and fair in your minds, perhaps your parents were wanting to leave a larger share to your brother as he was going to be the one who looked after them most in their old age, this is something that seemed to be fairly common in the area where I grew up the child who did the most taking care of them got a larger inheritance. Just a thought. If your parents were intending to give an equal share to the 3 of you then what were they expecting to happen when they died if all the money was invested in your brothers house, were they expecting him to sell, remortage or are they just expecting you and your sister to wait for the money? I think you all need to sit down and discuss things and at least put the extension plans on hold until things have been thought through properly, but I would imagine cancelling the extension because it seems likely that your parents will need that money for their care and as a result when they die their estate might be significantly less than £100k

Bonfire_Bride

accoustic22 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice - my mum is capable of making decisions, my dad is not.
Yes the money I suppose would be gifted to my brother rather than invested (building work has not yet started but is imminent ) and my relationship with my brother is not the best.
So I guess that if care costs were needed in the future for one of them then we as a family would need to raise the money between us then.

You need to engage a solicitor tomorrow and advise your brother that due to the decline of both parents and the ever increasing probability that they will need professional care, the building work cannot begin.

I have been in the middle of a family fallout caused by death and money. It is awful and doesn't end well for anyone. I saw sides to certain members of my family that were horrifying.

I sincerely wish you the best in this.

phoebe1989seb

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

In a nutshell yes, unless you got continued care, dementia comes under continued care but you may find yourself funding your mother.

Unless things have changed in the last year, Dementia is not covered by NHS Continuing Care.

I speak from personal experience as from 2012-2015 between us, DH and I had three parents requiring nursing/residential care as a result of various forms of Dementia. My FIL had already sold his home, but my parents' house had to be sold to fund their care.

It was only in the last month of my father's life that after in depth assessment his condition was deemed serious enough to qualify for Continuing Care.

LabRatty

As well as the issues already raised, there is the stress, mess and disruption of living in a building site. Work often takes longer than planned, and there may be unforseen complications. Not a good situation when the OP's parents are already so frail.
Definitely think the extension should be put on hold ASAP while the whole situation is reviewed and Mum consulted.
Difficult, but the alternative (not calling a halt) looks a lot worse.

Good luck
LR

teddysmum

As Mother is capable of rational thinking, perhaps a word with her, explaining the problems, carewise, if she lets the brother keep her money. If he does so against her will, it is theft.

moneyistooshorttomention

teddysmum wrote: »

As Mother is capable of rational thinking, perhaps a word with her, explaining the problems, carewise, if she lets the brother keep her money. If he does so against her will, it is theft.

Agreed:T

I'm just keeping fingers crossed for all involved that the mother doesnt regard Bro as her "blue-eyed boy who can do no wrong" (ie he is her favourite and she isnt thinking logically about him as a result) and that she will listen to sense. Some parents don't want to believe what their own children can be like sometimes...

Let's just hope I'm being unduly pessimistic about this.

That was certainly a good point made by another poster too - re the disruption when building work is going on. Hard enough for a healthy person with no undue concerns to cope with any major work on their home (unless they are one of those rare people that actually enjoy it).

AylesburyDuck

phoebe1989seb wrote: »

Unless things have changed in the last year, Dementia is not covered by NHS Continuing Care.

I speak from personal experience as from 2012-2015 between us, DH and I had three parents requiring nursing/residential care as a result of various forms of Dementia. My FIL had already sold his home, but my parents' house had to be sold to fund their care.

It was only in the last month of my father's life that after in depth assessment his condition was deemed serious enough to qualify for Continuing Care.

Things have not changed, i'm really not too sure why you did not get it, i suppose it could be the definition of serious that counts.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia-guide/pages/dementia-and-social-services.aspx

elsien

I've sat in a few CHC assessments, and dementia in and of itself doesn't qualify you if the needs are more around personal care etc. it's the people with a higher level of behavioural support needs, or feeding difficulties (for example). And if that improves, CHC funding can be reassessed and withdrawn.
The debate, as always, is what is a nursing need and what is social care.