Need advice re elderly parent

troubleinparadise

Laurie_Sicard-Askey wrote: »

What about getting a Power of Attorney? That way you can control her spending.

It sounds as though she has capacity, even if her financial decisions might seem unwise to others.

z.n

Hi OP. You might only be hearing about the tip of the iceberg- one reply to a scam lottery thing and your MinL will be on 'the list.' Similarly to the phone scammers. You really have two sensible choices- walk away and let financial disaster overwhelm her at which point Social Services will get involved. Or, the better option, refuse to keep financing her and have a full and frank discussion about things in a non-blaming and supportive way. She will not have left the bills mounting by choice- it could be the beginnings of dementia.

As a first step take control of the physical payment items (cheques and bank cards.) Put all essentials onto direct debit and your husband on as an additional signatory. Tell the Council/Electric/Gas/Water/Bank/Sky/GP that she is vulnerable and that you are helping her out. Sort out current financial problems with her there to give permission for you to speak on her behalf. Set up a system to provide daily cash spending money appropriate to her needs and consider a running account at the local shop for bread/milk etc. Get post redirected via you and consider a phone blocking service to stop scammers. Sort out a power of attorney for finance and also for health if possible.

This is what we had to do in similar circumstances. Money spent on psychic readings/magic stones and food supplements. Scammers selling pretty much anything phoning until allowed into the house. We had a POA in place which meant all the service providers could speak to us but the main thing is to protect MinL from harm by ensuring she is not a worthwhile target.

Our area has a joint agency run by Age Concern/Council etc that is designed to help elderly vulnerable people claim what they are entititled to and also prevent loneliness etc. Worth a look- it might give MinL a bit more in life and more people to discuss difficult decisions with (eg whether to sign up for that phone contract etc.) In our case we passed this stage very quickly and FinL is now in a home.

Bear in mind there might be reasons why MinL insists on keeping her Sky package.. For example. she might have lost the ability to keep track of the different remotes but is still comfortable using the Sky one. She might know the numbers of the channels etc on Sky but not on Freeview. The most important thing is not to be too judgemental or you will lost co-operation and things will be kept secret until out of control.

Best of luck.

KingS6

ouraggie wrote: »

Each time she gets in a mess my partner lends her the money and often she doesn't pay him back. He has a fairly decent job so in principle can afford it, but each time it happens he gets angrier and more resentful. It has ruined their relationship. He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, as he wishes he could wash his hands of her but can't because she's his mother and he is a good man so he won't just walk away. !

However, this time he has just had enough.

Partner is understandably bitter about all this as he is very good with money and can't understand why she didn't just pay the original fine or not get the ticket in the first place.

When I try to discuss it and sort out a longer term solution he won't discuss it and just gets angry.

You say your partner refuses to discuss a long term solution to the problem and also wants to wash his hands of her. So if he has "had enough" has he taken a short term solution such as cutting her off?

If he has had enough he has got to show that otherwise he actually hasn't. Could be mirroring your feelings and opinion on the matter?

Behaviour of his mother won't change if he keeps the gravy train rolling down the tracks. She has no incentive. Might well do if the aid dries up.

You say he's a good man and I assume he also think he's a good man? Being a good man also means playing the bigger man sometimes and walking away from a situation, not continuing to support it for the sake of it. Tough love.

From what you've posted it has become increasingly toxic. It's time to take damage limitation. You don't want it to cause long term damage to your lives out of a well intentioned but inevitably misguided sense of duty.

You're free to try this advice and post back with the result.

ouraggie

Hi. Thanks to everybody who has replied so far. To update / clarify:
Yes, she is on Pension Credit and has C Tax reductions/HB. She is not eligible yet for Attendance Allowance.
Yes, sadly she has always been like this, which is why my partner is so angry. He just keeps telling me I am wasting my time. (I have always kept out of it until now, prior to this one he has dealt - or not dealt - with it, and so I have really only just grasped the true extent of the problem.)
I have spent hours with her since I posted, getting to grips with the true extent of it all. It took ages to get all the info from her. Several loans, unpaid parking fines etc were discovered in her huge pile of papers. I got some folders and we have started sorting them. I have now made us a spreadsheet with all the income and outgoings.
Happily there is more coming in than going out, but until Jan she only has £13 a week left after outgoings. I have shown this to my partner and pointed out that while it is possible to live on £13 for a few months she is historically unlikely to do so. One more £55 parking fine will send her off to get another loan or leave it unpaid, resulting in another bailiff visit event. I am darned if I can think of a way to get him to sub her in some way till Jan without just giving her money. If anyone has any ideas I will be grateful.
I am 95% of the way to getting her to cancel the Sky and have got dates for when her mobile contract etc expire, so I can help her get a better deal.
OH has at least agreed to go round once a week and go through her mail with her.
I am hoping he might also agree to pay off her Provident loan, which costs her £30 a week. I would agree with the suggestion made above that if he spoke to her more often we would find out about things before crisis point. Sadly their relationship has largely broken down due to her previous shenanigans with money. This has, I think, been the last straw for him. (It probably doesn't help matters that she tells him regularly about her friend's son, who is so good to his mother, buying her stuff, giving her money, paying for holidays etc.)

warby68

Is the £13 after everything, including food?

What changes in January?

If it becomes manageable then, 4m is not too long to give her some help if you (or more importantly he) wants to. What about a weekly food shop until then? If the bills are paid and she can eat, there isn't really anything she can't do without for 4m.

I agree at 80 she's unlikely to change but its hard to give up on someone too and you don't seem to want that yet. At least, if you've helped her get back on track, set up a budget system and discussed what she can afford, if she does it again you know you've done your best and you're wasting your time. She really sounds like she has no problem other than wanting to live like she has more money than she does. If she's always been bailed out, no matter how resentfully, she's never suffered the consequences and sometimes that's unfortunately what's needed although leaving an 80y old to it will be very hard.

Jox

That's great that you've spent time with her and helping her to sort things out, it may help her to see more clearly and perhaps now she understands the financial situation she may think twice about spending. Though if your partner pays the Provident loan again she may think that she will be bailed out and may not be an incentive for her to be more responsible with money.

ouraggie

Sorry, should have explained that food needs to come out of that £13! Possible in theory but highly unlikely to happen. The parking fine will be paid off by Jan(I haggled her repayments down to £25 a week with the bailiff) so she will have £38 a week then.
The food shop idea may work if we give her food not money, or take her to Lidl and let her choose £20 worth of basics. Thanks for that one.
Btw, does anyone know what charges Provident have if you pay a loan up early?

ouraggie

Oops -forgot to say that OH is talking about clearing the Provident loan. I agree it's not going to help her long term. I have, however, suggested that he tell her he will give her £100 towards it if she plays ball till Jan.

Gingernutty

How is she getting all the parking fines?

ouraggie

Very good point. The recent ones were for things like parking in a bus bay, having wheels on the pavement, having a wheel outside the white line etc. She doesn't seem to get them for overstaying or parking on yellow lines/outside the hours etc. When I showed them to her , her response was" I was only there for ten minutes" or "I only had one wheel a bit out" . I could perhaps make her a list of things to check before she leaves the car.
I looked into getting her a blue badge a while ago but she was too fit and able. Maybe I should have another go.