Need advice re elderly parent

ouraggie

I have posted this here rather than on the debt forum, as it felt more relevant. Apologies in advance for the long post but thought it easier to give full info.

My partner's mum is 80 and lives alone nearby. She has just the state pension. Main problem is she is totally useless with managing money. She insists on having Sky @ £40 a monthly and won't give this up. She spends money on idiotic things she can't afford or just doesn't need, often from QVC, etc). Consequence is she is always in debt and in default of utility bills etc.
Each time she gets in a mess my partner lends her the money and often she doesn't pay him back. He has a fairly decent job so in principle can afford it, but each time it happens he gets angrier and more resentful. It has ruined their relationship. He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, as he wishes he could wash his hands of her but can't because she's his mother and he is a good man so he won't just walk away. !
However, this time he has just had enough. She came yesterday with the fact that she left a parking fine unpaid from January and said that the fine is now £400 and that she's had a visit from the bailiffs. They want to take the car (worth about £80). She has agreed with the creditor to pay £40 a month for the rest but is highly likely to default on this. She asked my partner for £100.
She has a terrible credit rating and can't get credit cards, etc and so goes to payday loan companies etc to get loans. She then gets in arrears and has to sell things to raise the cash. Last time she pawned jewellery and my partner had to pay to get it back or it would have been sold off for way under its value.
Partner is understandably bitter about all this as he is very good with money and can't understand why she didn't just pay the original fine or not get the ticket in the first place. Also, some years ago she was in mortgage arrears, he paid it off, but she still later lost the house anyway, which would be worth a lot of money now.
When I try to discuss it and sort out a longer term solution he won't discuss it and just gets angry. My take on all this is that she is elderly, lonely (hence the Sky), also vulnerable (eg she needed a new mobile so went to a phone shop, where they sold her a posh smartphone with huge data package when all she needed was a PAYG cheap mobile). Sadly we usually find out about things too late, when shes already tried to sort it herself or ignored it or signed something.
Hoping to hear from anyone out there who has any advice or similar experience dealing with incompetent relatives and can offer any insights on how to break this cycle.
(I'm going round to her in a minute to see if I can get her to sit down with me and look at her outgoings and see what she can do in future to avoid similar issues. Partner says I'm wasting my time as she won't change now.)

Jox

I guess all your partner really can do is stop bailing her out. I was in a similar situation with a parent and would pay for bills and bank charges and the parent would run up huge bills with catalogues, I stopped giving money as it doesn't change the behaviour. Buy her some food shopping when you want to but don't pay for parking fines etc

Grumpelstiltskin

First thing is she receiving all the benefits she is entitled to?


Pension Credit, Housing Benefit, Council Tax single person discount and benefit?

fairy_lights

Is she really so lonely and vulnerable though, or does she just play up to that idea so that you're OH will bail her out? Has she always been a bit reckless with money or is this a more recent thing?

chesky

Perhaps if he spent more time with her and talked to her, he might find out about what she wants in life BEFORE she does something daft. It's amazing what comes up in the course of a chat about things in general.

Jox

Sounds like she has always been like this as she had mortgage arrears and OPs partner paid them but the house was still lost, OPs partner is understandably bitter but there's a sense of loyalty to his mother though as this behaviour won't change its probably best for OP and partner to not pay anymore as it won't change anything.

Bluebell1000

Would she consider giving your partner power of attorney for her finances, so she doesn't have the opportunity to spend more than she's got?

This may not be relevant as this seems to be ongoing rather than recent, but my Grandfather developed Parkinsons as he got older. He lost any sense of spending sensibly, and would buy any mail order thing that came through the door (thankfully he didn't have internet!), and would money to any kind of scam post that said he'd won a lottery but just needed to send X amount to claim it etc etc.

PasturesNew

Unfortunately, the bottom line is that you can't stop her making poor choices as that's "her choice" - even if you suspected dementia and that she was being taken advantage of (e.g. the phone shop). That's the sad way things are.

It might be an idea to have her post redirected to your house so you can at least open it and see what she's up to and head some issues off at the pass. You'll need her to arrange this (get the forms for redirection then frog march her down the post office with the forms).

Re the money side of things, that's harder ... in an ideal world you'd have her blocked from any form of credit, take control of her money and give her cash and a pre-loaded card ....

It's tough, while she's legally allowed to make all her own choices and you, legally, cannot deny her that human right.

It's not easy, having parents.

chesky

You say she lost her house. Does that mean she rents? Does she get housing benefit? Only state pension? Why not pension credit?

piglet25

Has she considered moving into one of the villages for older people? They will provide company for her and maybe distract her from spending so much. It would also be a fresh start for her and she could join in the activities and make new friends.

Sicard

What about getting a Power of Attorney? That way you can control her spending.