Finances/relationships in later years

Freddy13

I am looking for advise solutions that have worked for others, this is my dilemma
We are three and a half years into a relationship, it was suggested by my partner in the beginning that the plan was everything to be "joint" with a plan to sell my house buy a house large enough and close enough to his work and to accommodate his daughter ( then aged 14) when she stays.
He would then sell his house the value approximately 50% of my property and this would give us financial cushion for retirement.
Also joint incomes/expenditure.
In reality where we are now
I sold and bought a houses suitable for his work and family commitment as per the plan.
He sold his house and now as a nest egg or could be viewed as his security for the future, he says its for OUR future but is not in joint names nor any discussion how or where it should be invested.
We have separate incomes and outgoing
We pay 50% of holidays, cinema, eating out etc.
We each pay 50% for the food bill.
He decided to give me £250 per month to cover 50% utilities etc in reality this is more than 50%.
I am retired due to ill health and my pension is less than 50% of his annual income.
So in reality when he pays his outgoing so each month he as more disposable income than the pension I started with.

On a month to month bases my budget is tight and I have been struggling and go without many things. Therefore I wish to sell the house to down size to gain more free cash which he is supporting and helping facilitate.

I would like to find a way forward that is fair to both of us,as at the moment from my perspective I feel frustrated and it feels like a house share NOT a relationship.
I have suggested buying the next property together but that does not appear to a solution favoured by my partner.
I have suggested we need to involve a 3rd party to help us find a route forward, again not favoured.
I have asked him to look at the past three years from my perspective and if roles were reversed what would have his expectations be! No reply

I want to find an outcome that is fair to the both of us.
At the moment the financial issues are the elephant in the room that is causing distance and atmosphere.
All suggestions and experiences of others welcomed, many thanks

paddy's_mum

I'm not in the least surprised you feel resentful. You are funding his easy lifestyle.

I'd like to find someone who would put a roof over my head for that paltry amount.

The bottom line? He either agrees to discuss the whole matter properly - with an unbiased intermediary if need be - or you downsize and he buys another house and funds himself.

Ozzuk

Unless I'm missing something you are benefiting from the equity in the house? He won't be as he is only covering bills (I assume this is clear from any monies transferred). So it doesn't sound that bad but I'd agree given the time you've been together it should be changed.

Can you both pay in an amount comparable to your income into a joint 'billing' account that includes any mortgage? Maybe even use the cash savings to reduce that mortgage.

I assume its the mortgage that is causing the difference in lifestyle - if you don't have a mortgage and he's paying half the bill then I'm not really sure what you are looking for. You could argue he should support you more, you could argue it's not his fault you've retired, it's down to you as a couple to agree a way forward and if you can't then you'll be looking at moving on.

tacpot12

If you are struggling financially and he is not, it seems fair to ask for him to contribute a bit more. It would not be unreasonable for you both to have the same amount of income after all the bills are paid that is yours for you to decide what to do with.

If you own all the equity in the house and he doesn't want to own the house jointly, this is a good idea from your perspective but he should be contributing to the upkeep of the property if he is living there.

The fact that the proceeds from the sale of his property are not in joint names is a concern but if you have your house, and something happens to the relationship, he will need to repurchase somewhere to live so until you own the house you live in jointly, I think it reasonable that the nest egg stays in his name.

If I were you, I would construct a budget that shows all the costs you are incurring including those costs of maintaining a property, e.g. Cost of repairs and renewals, and make sure that he covers half, and that the spare joint cash is shared equally regardless of who earns it. At the end of the day you can't make him pay, but you can be clear about what you think is fair and take it from there.

paddy's_mum

Freddy13 wrote: »

I am retired due to ill health

my budget is tight and I have been struggling and go without many things

it feels like a house share

the financial issues are the elephant in the room that is causing distance and atmosphere.

I'm sorry to say it but this doesn't sound much like a proper. loving, sharing "partner"ship to me.

Perhaps your comment about 'houseshare' is closer to the truth than you are yet able to admit, even to yourself.

In any event, an honest communication must take place, and soon, because otherwise your "partner" will find that he's out on his ear when your frustration, "distance" and dislike of the present hostile atmosphere boils over and wrecks the entire relationship.

I wish you well but him choosing to not reply isn't a healthy response to a difficulty, is it?

Freddy13

There is no mortgage, just the same utilities we all have, I just want to find a solution where we both feel the playing field is even, I am not and never looked for a meal ticket and the fact I am a stay at home partner makes life very simple and benifical eg cooking cleaning shopping etc.

fairy_lights

Is the house you bought for you both to live in in both of your names, or your name only?

tattycath

The division of bills doesn't seem very fair when you consider both of your earnings.
You say that the proceeds of his house are in his name only.
Is the house you both live in, in joint names or is it just in your name?
Apart from the financial issues are you really happy with your partner and do you see a future with him? Ask yourself where you see yourself in 5 years time and compare it to where you would like to be in 5 years time.
I wish you good luck in whatever you decide.

Freddy13

Currently the house is my sole name!
Prior to his property selling 16 months ago I tried to find proportional ways to try to move things forward and make it fair and to give him more security but he closed down each conversation.
When I put my thoughts comments into type I feel really stupid as everything is screaming he does not want to know or want commitment.

bargainbetty

Keep it in your sole name. If you wish to downsize, you can sell it and do so with no-one's permission but your own. And if he continues to refuse to make an equitable split of assets to secure both your future, then keep what's yours as yours and have no expectation of a penny from him. Make sure he doesn't get a penny of yours.


If he doesn't want a commitment, you can't force him, but you can and should protect yourself from it.

fairy_lights

Freddy13 wrote: »

Currently the house is my sole name!

Good. If it turns out he's not really committed to the relationship at least you have your own separate properties and finances.
How does he feel about the fact that you are struggling and having to go without while he still has disposable income? If he's fully aware of the situation then that's very selfish.