Broken, really could do with some support

Moneystootiggttomention

Cross post with dark1, Thankyou so much for sharing I really appreciate this.

National_Debtline

Hi

I agree that Muttipops’ suggestion of contacting Business Debtline is a good idea. Ideally your husband needs to speak to them to discuss the running and viability of his business.

www.businessdebtline.org

James
@natdebtline

Muttipops

Hi, I am a bit worried about the line where you say he would likely get custody of the children.
Having been in a relationship where all trust was lost, not for financial reasons, I went to couples councelling and ended up with a far stronger relationship, so I am an advocate of if the love is still there, fight for it BUT, just like the financial problems you have to deal with, you need to be informed of your rights and not just second guess what would happen and therefore stay out of fear of the unknown.
I agree with you about not having joint finances now, it's too late, but you are in a position of power and I do not think he has a leg to stand on if he doesn't allow you access to his finances/accounts. Obviously one isn't saying emasculate him or treat him like a naughty boy because that isn't going to help either of you, but a firm overseeing of his finances is called for. and I do not think it is too much to ask or demand.

Former_MSE_Andrea

darkone1 wrote: »

Right MITTTM,

I have intimate experience of this. In October 2006, my husband was away from home for a few days. A bank statement (joint account which nevertheless I never used) came through the post. I opened it. I was in shock to discover TWO personal loans and a mortgage payment which was not honoured.

When my husband came home, I calmly showed him what I knew and asked what other debts he had. Turned out in addition there was £15,000 in credit card debt, totalling £30,000.

I asked him to provide me with six months' worth of bank statements (which he had been hiding in the boot of his car) or I would commence divorce proceedings. Eventually, after I informed him that I had made a solicitor's appointment, he provided the statements. I spreadsheeted all outgoings to show him where his money was going (he was retired but continued to spend as if he was still earning) and explained to him where we would be if I did indeed divorce him and what would happen to him if I left him with all this debt and only half the value of our home.

At this point he was diagnosed with a medical condition and I could see that some of his actions were those of a person with cognitive difficulties (along with despair because he was not "looking after things like a man should").

I transferred all household standing orders/direct debits to my account, leaving him with only the loans to be serviced from his pension(s) and contacted the credit card company to claim on the PPI which he had taken out (thankfully!).

Obviously, with serious illness striking, I would stand by him (although I was as upset and angry as you are). However, I did say if he got into debt again, that was it. And no credit card/credit at all.

I had to have a talk with my employer and ask to have my salary raised to service all the household costs; this was successful.

All debts having been paid off, he is now responsible for much if not all grocery shopping, and has the rest of his pension(s) for pin money.

He did close our joint account and now has his account in his own name, so I have no right to open the statements, but if left lying about I will look and all seems well.

Some tough love may be called for here, and he must get an understanding of proper business accounting, but you will get through this, you are young and as you say have earning potential. The important thing is that he understands he must change his ways!

To protect my privacy, since all of this is now over, I have created a new profile (I know this is against the rules, but I wanted to reach out to you, you can get through this) - in fact I have been on this site for around 8 years.

Thanks for supporting on this thread! This is only against the rules if the new account is used to cause issues. You've done it to help another forum user while protecting your privacy. Totally fine

Good luck both of you!

darkone1

Thanks Andrea, and I echo National Helpline's comments.

In my case, my job is in business administration and thus I was able to show him what was happening by spreadsheeting his spending against income. He actually seemed surprised. But he was retired from the public sector and had never really had much if any business training. We all have different strengths and childcare is a very important one.

I would also ask if we were okay financially (as I never saw the statements when they came in by post) and he would say yes, knowing it was not so. There's a manliness thing going on there. Now that he has had the health diagnosis I think he feels it's "okay" for me to be the main earner.

enthusiasticsaver

I think you have 2 problems here. Firstly obviously the fact he lied to keep the debt secret which indicates either a guilt feeling about asking you to bail him out again. The other issue you have is that although you have children together you keep separate finances meaning you were unaware of how dire the situation was. Obviously this is not for the first time but you also need to acknowledge that he does the bulk of childcare which enables you to earn a high salary.

Presuming you wish to stay married the first thing is as someone else mentioned his business income needs to be separated from your personal income. He should not be using personal credit cards to purchase supplies and should instead have accounts with local suppliers which would invoice him instead. A proper credit control system needs to be set up for those clients who are not paying promptly and provision needs to be set up for payment of tax and proper records held. He has proved he is unable to manage this side of his business so my inclination would be to say he either needs an accountant or gets a paid job working for someone else. This may obviously though impact on his ability to help out with childcare so you both need to weigh up the options. When you say he spends his income on day to day living what do you mean? Do you mean he is spending on household stuff or food for both of you or is he splurging on other things.

You also say you have credit card debt which is surprising given your high income but I note your mortgage is high. You both need to sit down and work out a budget you can both keep to which enables you to reduce the debt as quickly as possible. Logic dictates if you are able to get a 0% card to put as much of the debt on that this would cost you less but as you have bailed him out once before you may not be willing to do that which is understandable. Also he should not have access to credit cards but again that may be difficult to enforce.