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Broken, really could do with some support
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Moneystootiggttomention
Posts: 7 Forumite
Hi, I'm not sure if this is the correct forum- please direct me to the right place if not.
I'm posting for support, advice and to see if anyone else has been in the same position as me.
I've just found out that my husband has credit card debt of 35k. I knew about 10k and I have 10k ( total of 45k). The 20k I knew about was planned and completely serviceable. The rest I'm not so sure.
My husband lied about the debt and has form for this, 3 years ago I cleared a similar debt of his of £30k and I thought he wasn't using any credit at all since, I was too trusting.
His debt is accrued through poor management of his work. He is a self employed tradesman and works part time to look after the kids. He spends the money he gets from jobs on day to day living and then puts the bills for materials on credit cards which quickly add up. The interest alone on is credit cards is £400 a month.
I have now found out about this situation (again) and whilst I feel totally bereft and angry for the moment I am helping to sort it out. This may or may not be the right decision and I would be grateful if anyone else has been through similar with a spouse they could share how they got through it?
For the time being I have transferred all the debt to 0% credit cards in my name (not sure if this was a good idea it felt like I was taking control and it's done now).
I have an income of around £3500 take home pay each month. God knows what my husband brings in, ? around £1000. My fixed outgoing are £2000 which includes non negotiable mortgage payments (fixed for 5 years in my name only after he last time he did this as needed to protect my children's security)) and professional subscriptions.
My next step is to look at his books and see what can be changed to increase his income (lots of demand for work, excellent tradesman but as I said limited hours due to supporting my career and looking after kids. I suspect he isn't charging enough).
ive cancelled all non necessary outgoings such as my gym membership, Sky tv and kids swimming lessons. I'm taking on extra work as I have high earning potential but I'm pretty shattered to be honest.
We do eat out a lot and have nice holidays and that will have to stop now so am aware of our situation, there was no reason not to before though as I was earning enough and was oblivious.
We have an endowment policy due to mature in 8 years and is worth £22k if I cash in now. I'm taking advice on whether to do this. No other savings.
There are a few things I could cancel such as pet insurance and membership of my Union (£75 pcm total) but I'm not sure if this is a good idea?
Sorry for the long post? I would appreciate any advice re my situation. I can post my outgoings if helpful, need to go through my husbands.
I'm not even sure that leaving the relationship would help as I'm the main earner I suspect I would have to pay spousal maintenance.
Help!!!
I'm posting for support, advice and to see if anyone else has been in the same position as me.
I've just found out that my husband has credit card debt of 35k. I knew about 10k and I have 10k ( total of 45k). The 20k I knew about was planned and completely serviceable. The rest I'm not so sure.
My husband lied about the debt and has form for this, 3 years ago I cleared a similar debt of his of £30k and I thought he wasn't using any credit at all since, I was too trusting.
His debt is accrued through poor management of his work. He is a self employed tradesman and works part time to look after the kids. He spends the money he gets from jobs on day to day living and then puts the bills for materials on credit cards which quickly add up. The interest alone on is credit cards is £400 a month.
I have now found out about this situation (again) and whilst I feel totally bereft and angry for the moment I am helping to sort it out. This may or may not be the right decision and I would be grateful if anyone else has been through similar with a spouse they could share how they got through it?
For the time being I have transferred all the debt to 0% credit cards in my name (not sure if this was a good idea it felt like I was taking control and it's done now).
I have an income of around £3500 take home pay each month. God knows what my husband brings in, ? around £1000. My fixed outgoing are £2000 which includes non negotiable mortgage payments (fixed for 5 years in my name only after he last time he did this as needed to protect my children's security)) and professional subscriptions.
My next step is to look at his books and see what can be changed to increase his income (lots of demand for work, excellent tradesman but as I said limited hours due to supporting my career and looking after kids. I suspect he isn't charging enough).
ive cancelled all non necessary outgoings such as my gym membership, Sky tv and kids swimming lessons. I'm taking on extra work as I have high earning potential but I'm pretty shattered to be honest.
We do eat out a lot and have nice holidays and that will have to stop now so am aware of our situation, there was no reason not to before though as I was earning enough and was oblivious.
We have an endowment policy due to mature in 8 years and is worth £22k if I cash in now. I'm taking advice on whether to do this. No other savings.
There are a few things I could cancel such as pet insurance and membership of my Union (£75 pcm total) but I'm not sure if this is a good idea?
Sorry for the long post? I would appreciate any advice re my situation. I can post my outgoings if helpful, need to go through my husbands.
I'm not even sure that leaving the relationship would help as I'm the main earner I suspect I would have to pay spousal maintenance.
Help!!!
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Comments
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The golden rule of all self employed people/businesses is not to mix personal and business cash. He should have a separate account for his business expenses and only draw from it his profit. I wonder if he is actually making a profit? Is he declaring his earnings to the HMRC - if so he must have some accounts - what do they tell you. Accurate book keeping is the first step I think. Good luck.0
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Thankyou, no he isn't making a profit but there's no reason why he shouldn't be- only the limited hours that I can see.0
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Hi,
No wonder you are angry.
I wonder if you taking over his debt and sorting it out for him again means that he never learns how to manage his business? It is totally understandable as to why you do, of course.
Do you have time to help with the books side of the business and so sort out a system to ensure business income and expenditure are kept seperate from his personal finances?
National Debtline has a sister organisation for businesses; here is a link as they might be able to help you too...
https://www.businessdebtline.org/
Finally, well done for being so strong and helping to sort out your husband's finances. For the sake of the family one has to sometimes put away the knee jerk reaction of braining ones other half. Not sure if straying into dodgy territiory as this is a debt forum, but if I was you I would have a series of conversations between the two of you to plan your next moves and to set a budget and working practices so that this never happens again and if he is not on board with this, I would have a long hard think about what to do next. But that is a purely personal matter that only you can decide on and I hope I didn't offend by touching on the subject.
Good luck.0 -
Thankyou so much for the replies. Does anyone think that paying off via 0% credit cards is sensible?0
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Moneystootiggttomention wrote: »Thankyou so much for the replies. Does anyone think that paying off via 0% credit cards is sensible?
For what my thoughts are worth, I think the answer to that is yes and no. Yes, I think it's better to pay off debts at 0% interest - it has to be really when you think about it. On the no side though, I would never be keen to take on someone's debts, even if it was a partner. First and foremost it makes it too easy for them to simply rack up the debts again - no tough lessons to learn for them. Then of course, should anything go wrong in the relationship, you are landed with debt that is your debt as it's in your name.
Sorry to be unhelpful but that's my thoughts. I wish you luck in however you deal with this.Wyrd bid ful aread0 -
Moneystootiggttomention wrote: »Thankyou so much for the replies. Does anyone think that paying off via 0% credit cards is sensible?
Transferring it to your name is really just another way to push the responsibility of the debt away from him and to yourself
If I was in the same situation and my wife bailed me out, the guilty knowing she's carrying all my debt would kill me to be honest.
That's just my own opinion.0 -
Hi,
getting any cc debt onto 0% is good, so yes, that is a good thing.
I can see that you went into sorting things out overdrive and did all you could to resolve the issue and deal with it yourself; it might have been a better idea to consult the wise beings on here first or a debt charity, but you didn't and what is done is done.
I think your next steps now need to be carefully planned to make sure this never happens again and for that you need to educate yourself about what is the best way for your husband to run the financial side of his business because currently it is not worth keeping that business going if all it is doing is getting your family into massive debt. I say you need to, but of course he does. Is he at all self aware of the fact he needs to correctly deal with business finances in a responsible and legal way?
I am aware that we might be sounding harsh on here; I think that there is no point in giving you fluffy coated advice because this is serious stuff and a bit of reality is called for, but I for one admire you for trying to gain control in a very difficult situation so chin up and carry on with the good work.0 -
I think it might be that he is cut out to just do the jobs not run a business....
Could you do that side of it for him? Maybe sit down each week and look at his planned jobs and sort out what needs to be paid out and from where?
Don't forget he is also doing childcare, so being self employed and looking after kids is not easy. I appreciate that you probably have a high stress job and enough to do, but short term it may be the answer to try and help educate him in better ways to run the business.
I think you have done what needed to be done to mittigate the damage but longer term plans need to be put in place if this situation is to be the end of it. Good luck.0 -
Right MITTTM,
I have intimate experience of this. In October 2006, my husband was away from home for a few days. A bank statement (joint account which nevertheless I never used) came through the post. I opened it. I was in shock to discover TWO personal loans and a mortgage payment which was not honoured.
When my husband came home, I calmly showed him what I knew and asked what other debts he had. Turned out in addition there was £15,000 in credit card debt, totalling £30,000.
I asked him to provide me with six months' worth of bank statements (which he had been hiding in the boot of his car) or I would commence divorce proceedings. Eventually, after I informed him that I had made a solicitor's appointment, he provided the statements. I spreadsheeted all outgoings to show him where his money was going (he was retired but continued to spend as if he was still earning) and explained to him where we would be if I did indeed divorce him and what would happen to him if I left him with all this debt and only half the value of our home.
At this point he was diagnosed with a medical condition and I could see that some of his actions were those of a person with cognitive difficulties (along with despair because he was not "looking after things like a man should").
I transferred all household standing orders/direct debits to my account, leaving him with only the loans to be serviced from his pension(s) and contacted the credit card company to claim on the PPI which he had taken out (thankfully!).
Obviously, with serious illness striking, I would stand by him (although I was as upset and angry as you are). However, I did say if he got into debt again, that was it. And no credit card/credit at all.
I had to have a talk with my employer and ask to have my salary raised to service all the household costs; this was successful.
All debts having been paid off, he is now responsible for much if not all grocery shopping, and has the rest of his pension(s) for pin money.
He did close our joint account and now has his account in his own name, so I have no right to open the statements, but if left lying about I will look and all seems well.
Some tough love may be called for here, and he must get an understanding of proper business accounting, but you will get through this, you are young and as you say have earning potential. The important thing is that he understands he must change his ways!
To protect my privacy, since all of this is now over, I have created a new profile (I know this is against the rules, but I wanted to reach out to you, you can get through this) - in fact I have been on this site for around 8 years.0 -
Some lovely supportive replies Thankyou. This isn't he first time he has done this, nor the first time I have sorted it for him. I am the main earner and he does most of the childcare so if we were to split it would cost me more money and I would likely lose custody of the children. However, the problem is I don't want to spilt but am competely aware that I keep enabling his behaviour by paying off his debts. My main issue is the fact he lies about being in debt until found out.
I think I need to take responsibility in that I spend within my means (nice family holidays, meals out etc) without realising his in comings were not covering his outgoings. Our finances are seperate on paper but my money is family money and I would have reduced my spending to give him money had he told me of his situation, I would always ask how he is for money and he would always say fine.
In retrospect joint finances would have been sensible so I could keep track of what is going in/out but I don't want to tie myself financially to him now.
Grrrr.... I know not strictly finance related but has anyone been in a similar situation and have advice for moving forward?0
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