How do you know when you've had enough?

Primrose

I don,t know how old you both are but the arrival of children always requires a complete renegotiation of the habits of marriage and perhaps your husband didn't really appreciate at the time how vast a change this would be on your relationship.

Is there any way you can organise your lives to give him a little space for himself? If he works all week he may be feeling trapped in an endless round of domesticity, tired from work and unappreciated. It's hard for you both but let him know that his efforts are appreciated and valued. Men like to think they're the tough guys but they still actually need to be told they are valued. If you can increase his self esteem and let him feel that he,s getting as much attention as his babies he may resent them less.

Being a single mother is hard. Think carefully whether this is really a practical option for you and plan together the way you are going to cope with chores and domestic life when you switch to studying. Your husband may fear his masculinity will be emaciated by the process. You need to find a way of helping him to feel intact as a male, even if this means letting him off on occasional Saturday afternoons to watch a football match or something while you cope with the ironing or whatever.

missbiggles1

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

Sorry I've been a bit cagey, worried someone might recognise me.

So when we had our first, I took 9 months off maternity and then took on an extra early morning job which I paid those wages into the house. I down graded my old position at the other job and to part time and that paid my personal bills for the month. The early morning job was covering maternity so once that finished my husband was happy for me to just pay my own bills. He's never said otherwise and weve never had words. We started trying for the second and (not going to reveal too much here) ended up me looking into this new career (as it would fit better with children) then found out we had gotten pregnant so it went on the back burner until after. So my maternity is coming to an end and this course is low maintenance and local (a night course) so not going to rock the boat. Hope that clears some things up.

Cooling down after my initial post I do think, it will get easier as baby gets older and he is confident in dealing with older children. I guess I was in the here and now of being annoyed and ranted. I just wish I could have a guilt free time leaving him with the baby before during and after. I dont expect him to make me feel guilty and certainly don't feel like he should.

No degree level couse is "low maintenance", however part time and local. Good luck with it but don't underestimate the work you'll need to put in to be successful.:)

Kynthia

Yes he should be able to look after both of his children when you aren't around and he shouldn't make you feel guilty. Talk to him in case tge reason is something you aren't aware of and maybe it could be improved upon. However at least this is likely to be a problem that will resolve itself over time. Do you both try to give each other breaks and time out having fun as it's good for both of you?

If the main issue is that he always seems dissatisfied or after being pro a second baby is now acting like he isn't and you feel he's blaming you for the second child? If the former has this been going on for over a year or two, did it happen before children also, is there anything that he's not doing or feels he can't do that is causing this? If it's been long term and nothing seems to cure it or he never takes reasonable steps to cure it then I can understand finding that very infuriating. If the latter then that's not fair as I doubt you got pregnant without his consent so he needs to get over it, so remind him of the conversations you had and the times he never raised any objections. Tell him how much it upsets you and ask him to stop.

Do you think some couple time would be good? Is there any chance of a day or night out on your own and could you do something you did before you were parents? It's a good way to get nostalgic and remind yourselves how you felt about each other. Do you make tge effort to have nice days out, something more than parks and children's places? Could you go somewhere for you and him even with the children or have a holiday that involves sone fun and relaxation for both of you. Remind him that things will get easier every year they get older.

Marvel1

He should man up and look after the children from birth, he is man enough to do the deed in the first place.

Secondtimemummy

Thanks all for your replies.

The course is over 3 years and is a full BA Hons, when I say low maintenance I mean in terms of me being there? Teaching hours are very low so I'm not rocking the boat at home with needing to attend. Just to clear that up.

We had a chat last night and he said he was tired hence hos behaviour but we will see. I explained that I understand he doesn't feel confident with babies however this is now our second and the baby isn't newborn so is a lot easier than a few months ago. Wouldn't say we sorted anything last night but will have another chat in the coming days.

We have nights out together and time alone as much as is possible with 2 children. And he goes to the gym 3 or 4 nights a week so he certainly has time away. And he loves the gym!

Thanks for your advice

missbiggles1

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

Thanks all for your replies.

The course is over 3 years and is a full BA Hons, when I say low maintenance I mean in terms of me being there? Teaching hours are very low so I'm not rocking the boat at home with needing to attend. Just to clear that up.

We had a chat last night and he said he was tired hence hos behaviour but we will see. I explained that I understand he doesn't feel confident with babies however this is now our second and the baby isn't newborn so is a lot easier than a few months ago. Wouldn't say we sorted anything last night but will have another chat in the coming days.

We have nights out together and time alone as much as is possible with 2 children. And he goes to the gym 3 or 4 nights a week so he certainly has time away. And he loves the gym!

Thanks for your advice

But, unless your babies sleep a lot in the day, you're going to need other childcare arranged to allow you to study at home for the hours it'll take.

pollypenny

I started my degree when my youngest went to school. Like your course, the hours weren't too bad, especially as with Literature we were allowed reading at home. Traveling took a good time, too.

However, I still needed a lot of support from OH. That's when we negotiated chores - he picked shopping and cooking.

I was able to complete most of my essays etc during the day, but not all though and exams could be problematic. He took the kids away the week before my finals!

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

Thanks all for your replies.

The course is over 3 years and is a full BA Hons, when I say low maintenance I mean in terms of me being there? Teaching hours are very low so I'm not rocking the boat at home with needing to attend. Just to clear that up.

I did an Open University BSc Hons in five years on top of a full time job, and that involved a lot of time sacrifice. A degree is more than sitting in classes, you have to do a lot of background reading and constantly churn out assignments. Don't underestimate how this will eat into your free time, and how you'll have to fit quiet study periods around looking after the kids. It is a much bigger deal in terms of effort and commitment than you appear to realise, and will definitely impact on your husband in terms of childcare and time together.

rpc

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

The course is over 3 years and is a full BA Hons, when I say low maintenance I mean in terms of me being there? Teaching hours are very low so I'm not rocking the boat at home with needing to attend. Just to clear that up.

A BA Hons would normally be done as three years full time assuming no credits for prior work. You can probably do it in less, but you need to be thinking of it as approaching a full time commitment.

Secondtimemummy

Yep understand that it's not going to be easy but there is a reason why I chose this course and less teaching hours was one of. Whether my husband realises that he will have to help out more is yet to be seen.