How do you know when you've had enough?

Secondtimemummy

We have two children, married not even 2 years. I'm about to quit my job and start a degree in the hope that I'll get a better paid more qualified job at the end and we'll be in a better place financially.

He was rubbish with our first child when he was a baby, made me feel guilty if he was looking after our child alone until he was easier to care for, knew he would be the same again but this time the thought of living like this just doesn't appeal.

I don't actually want to throw our relationship away but I feel I'm always waiting for things to improve.... and is that the way to live?

We've had plenty of conversation 's about it and he says the same things "I don't want to look after the baby" he's recently told me he feels like his life is like ground hog day. He gives the impression he's after more in his life but won't ever say what.

I keep saying to myself, once our child is older he will find it easier but then I think, what is life going to be like in the meantime? A part of me thinks am I and our two children missing out if we stay or if we go?

mark5

Were you the driving force behind having children, be honest?

How do your workloads compare?

It sounds a lot like my relationship when the children were born.

missbiggles1

Why did you have a second child if you were unhappy with his relationship to the first?

Secondtimemummy

I thought we were on the same page, both times. He seems to resent me more the second, but I don't know if that's because he doesn't do babies and find's them stressful or whether he is just unhappy. Some days I wonder why he wanted children in the first place because it seems he's pining for the life before

Detroit

If you go, you'll lose even the limited help he does provide so it's not necessarily going to improve your situation practically.

Life with two small children if you're both working full time is very challenging. Many people in this position feel they are on an endless treadmill of work and childcare, with no freedom for themselves.

The good news is it actually passes very quickly. Although this doesn't help when your in the middle of it.

If you value your relationship with your partner, and think your problems are about your lifestyle rather than each other, maybe try to hang on in there? Life as a single parent can be very tough and it would be a shame to throw it away over what may be a temporary difficulty.

Do you think relationship counselling would help? Would he go?

Secondtimemummy

MissBiggles - because as the first has gotten older he has gotten more hands on and confident etc, so it seemed more a phase of not enjoying, understanding babies

missbiggles1

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

MissBiggles - because as the first has gotten older he has gotten more hands on and confident etc, so it seemed more a phase of not enjoying, understanding babies

I think that's very common - lots of men become much better hands on parents when their children are older.

mark5

If he does things with the older child, does other chores around the house and pays his share of the bills I'm guessing your life with him is easier that it would be as a single parent.

missbiggles1

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

We have two children, married not even 2 years. I'm about to quit my job and start a degree in the hope that I'll get a better paid more qualified job at the end and we'll be in a better place financially.

He was rubbish with our first child when he was a baby, made me feel guilty if he was looking after our child alone until he was easier to care for, knew he would be the same again but this time the thought of living like this just doesn't appeal.

I don't actually want to throw our relationship away but I feel I'm always waiting for things to improve.... and is that the way to live?

We've had plenty of conversation 's about it and he says the same things "I don't want to look after the baby" he's recently told me he feels like his life is like ground hog day. He gives the impression he's after more in his life but won't ever say what.

I keep saying to myself, once our child is older he will find it easier but then I think, what is life going to be like in the meantime? A part of me thinks am I and our two children missing out if we stay or if we go?

I think if you put the bits I've bolded together you might understand how he's feeling.

You're giving up work for an exiting new adventure whilst he's plodding along in the old routine supporting the family structure. You need to communicate more and understand each other's pov rather than jettison the relationship.

Secondtimemummy

:beer:

mark5 wrote: »

If he does things with the older child, does other chores around the house and pays his share of the bills I'm guessing your life with him is easier that it would be as a single parent.

No doubt about it my life is so much easier than that if a single parent. However I'm not afraid of being a single parent and the hardship that would come with it. Guess I came here for a real good rant and to know if this sounds normal?

missbiggles1

Secondtimemummy wrote: »

:beer:

No doubt about it my life is so much easier than that if a single parent. However I'm not afraid of being a single parent and the hardship that would come with it. Guess I came here for a real good rant and to know if this sounds normal?

Trouble is, I'm not sure what you're ranting about apart from the fact that he isn't good with babies - a problem that will solve itself pretty rapidly.