Friend ?

Ted_Boon

Hi

I wonder if you could help me out with a situation I find myself in.

I developed a female friendship with someone who lives locally based around a shared interest about 12 months ago. It started okay but the friend became more needy and relied on me heavily (for a new friendship) for emotional support (we were continuing to participate in our shared interest at that time). As time went on she would regularly send extreme attention seeking behaviour text messages about her personal life which I found quite bizarre and from our discussions when we met up, I learned more about her personality and it was obvious that she latched on to people very easily (including me, however I did get some respite when she became very friendly with a lady who had moved in nearby).

As the "friend" spent some time away on holiday, as did I, I hoped to detach myself from this friendship as I don't have the time or inclination to continue with this.

Unfortunately I keep getting text messages asking what I've done to upset her. I did try and let her down gently and she said okay I won't text again (and I thought that was the end of it) but I've had another message from her suggesting she said she would wait for a text from me and would like an explanation as to why (that's not my recall of the text discussion).

What do I do? I can't be horrid and say I can't be doing with all the weird text messages/support you are expecting of me but I need to do something because I'm expecting her to turn up at my house any day.

Mrs Ted x

fierystormcloud

:eek:

There's no easy answer to this Ted, except just give her a wide berth, avoid her whenever you can, and try and phase her out of your life...Really difficult to do, especially if it's someone who lives closeby...

Alice_Walker

:AThe other person is looking for some kind of closure. Send her a message saying you have a lot going on in your life and unfortunately you can't offer her the support she needs/ you don't have time for a new friendship. It's been nice to know you, wish you all the best for the future etc.

Even if your reason is not wholly true, it gives the closure she needs, then you've done your bit and can block her without any bad feeling

(I didn't mean to put the angel there but quite like it so it's staying!)

baby_lemonade

Block her number?

Primrose

I think you have to be a little honest with her and say that whilst you recognise she is feeling very needy at the moment you don't feel you can cope emotionally with her needs without putting more pressure on yourself than you can cope with at the moment. "So please don't feel offended. It's nothing personal against you. It's just that I have as much going on in my own life at the moment as I'm able to cope with".

Alice_Walker

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Block her number?

It is likely the OP will see this person again through their shared interest. It's far better (and kinder) to explain your reasons for breaking contact first.

baby_lemonade

Alice_Walker wrote: »

It is likely the OP will see this person again through their shared interest. It's far better (and kinder) to explain your reasons for breaking contact first.

I got the impression they've tried that, and she won't take no for an answer.

TBagpuss

I think you could say to her "I'm happy to see you at [shared interest] but I'm not looking for a closer friendship. I've felt uncomfortable with the amount of detail about your private life that you have been sharing with me, as we don't really know each other well enough for that"

baby_lemonade

No! (sorry )

Any reply you send is giving her what she craves - attention. You'll be fanning the flames if you text her back or message her at all.

Ignore/block her.

Primrose

baby_lemonade wrote: »

No! (sorry )

Any reply you send is giving her what she craves - attention. You'll be fanning the flames if you text her back or message her at all.

Ignore/block her.

I disagree with this. It seems the easiest route but you have to realise you are probably dealing with a rather fragile individual here, through no fault of your own, and being brutal with her if she is upset about the break in your friendship, could possibly trigger a serious emotional crisis for her. Nobody knows what goes through the minds of needy individuals and although you jave no responsibility for her, you do have a moral responsibility not to deliberately hurt her, just in case you trigger a more drastic result than most people would imagine could happen.

Far better to have one last attempt, though not on a face to face basis, through a carefully worded text, to give this "friendship" the closure it needs. Whatever you say, try leave her feeling good about herself, thank her for the times you have spent together and wish her well for the future. If you feel it appropriate apologise for giving her the wrong impression of being able to offer the level of friendship she was hoping for.

If you ever have the embarrassment of coming face to face accidentally in the future, believe me, you will probably feel far better about the encounter if you have ended things as nicely as you can.

thorsoak

"Dear X Sorry that I haven't responded to your earlier texts but at the moment there is so much going on in my life that I'm not sure when I can see you again. It's not a case of you having upset me - it's just that I have to prioritise what I can do and who I can see.

Regards"