"Start wherever you are and start small"

NeverUnderestimate

Morning everyone!

I've not incurred any NSD as of yet this month. I've had to make a couple of small purchases. Hopefully I can crack on from now. I aim to have 3 by the end of the week.

I'm still feeling pretty lethargic at the moment. A couple of things at work are bugging me. We've been given ipads to assist with our work. I've only had it since last Friday and it's factory resetted twice. I'll have to go get it fixed and restored yet again today. This seems to be so easily done. It happened again last night due to my son trying to get on to it. Whoops. Mr IT man won't be happy to see my face again twice in 48 hours lol!

I've been invited out tomorrow night with work. I'm not sure if I am going to go or not. It's a fair distance from my house and would mean lots of money in a taxi to come home. Plus cost of meal and drinks etc. We already have a night out planned for December. I might just attend that. I could drive to said place and drive home but wouldn't want to be a bore. I'm in two minds at the moment. I'll see how I feel tonight/tomorrow.

It's also Bonfire night this weekend. No plans as of yet for that too. I'll check out tonight where they are all at and see which I prefer. It's either that or the work night out I attend. We'll see.

I've yet another busy day today at work. I'm catching up on paperwork from previous days. It all feels a nightmare to be honest at the moment. Not enough time to do things. I guess that's the same in many places.

I still haven't done my petrol/milage for around two weeks and needs to be done soon. Eurgh. Someone give me strength.

All my bills have gone out for far this month aside from loan payment. I probably won't be able to make an extra payment until end of next week due to the time it takes to process. Eurgh.

I've an extra payday tomorrow due to the extra shift I did the other week. I think I'll allocate that one to the Christmas fund. I need to start thinking of what I'm going to buy etc.

There's clearly alot I need to do.

My life goes like this:- work, home, sleep and repeat. I've not quite hit an accurate balance and probably won't for a wee while. I've thought about cutting my hours down but won't until I find out what's going to happen in regards to my health and whether I need another operation.

Chow for now.

NeverUnderestimate

So I've took half my lunch break earlier than I usually would as I have a lot to get through.

I'm having a quick brew and to clear my head. I'm just pondering as usual though.

I thought I'd write a to do list.

Today:-

- Get ipad fixed.
- Finish all paperwork that needs doing.
- Finish inputting milage and send it off (if I've not missed deadline)
- Check payslips.
- Enter all my schedule for next month into diary.
- Do some maths with my son. He wants to focus on litres and millilitres. Bless him. He loves learning.
- Collect washing together and separate into piles.
- Sort out my makeup collection, whoops.

NeverUnderestimate

Morning.

I didn't get half of my to do list done yesterday. Here is what is left over.

To do:-

[STRIKE]- Get ipad fixed. [/STRIKE]
- Finish all paperwork that needs doing.
- Finish inputting milage and send it off (if I've not missed deadline)
[STRIKE]- Check payslips. [/STRIKE]
- Enter all my schedule for next month into diary.
[STRIKE]- Do some maths with my son. He wants to focus on litres and millilitres. Bless him. He loves learning. [/STRIKE]
- Collect washing together and separate into piles.
- Sort out my makeup collection, whoops.

So today I'll try to finish off all the other things I need to do.

--

I've been paid for the last extra shift I did. I'll sort that out later and decide what I shall do with it.

I don't think I am going to go out tonight. I don't feel 100% great and the thought of being out in the cold isn't tempting me right now. I've got so much I want to do at home and to be honest I'd just like an early night overall. I feel exhausted after this week. I'm here there and everywhere at the moment.

Yesterday was a NSD. That was my first for the month. 1/12 NSD in total.

There are 26 days until next payday. It's a five week month [STRIKE]eurgh[/STRIKE].

My mood is pretty low this morning. I know what I need to do. There's plenty I could do. I just need to do it. That is another story and in no way money related.

I just need to be kind to myself. I sound so depressed haha. [STRIKE]although it's not even funny I just don't know how else to react[/STRIKE]

I'm hoping for today to be a NSD. However I've seen @rg0s are doing 3for2 on toys... I might have a gander and see if there is anything worth buying for the boy or if it's on his list.

My outgoings are all pretty minimal. I've nothing much else to come out this month. I just need to get organised for Christmas. I've said previously I only have to buy for the boy, my mum brother and sister. However trying to find something the rest of my family would like is like trying to suck blood out of a stone. Pretty much impossible. If they're not careful they'll just get an orange and sack of spuds. I just want to be organised!!

Is it too much to ask lol.

I best get going.

Lunchboxes to make and all that.
The boy is enjoying these!

NeverUnderestimate

I've only just got my lunch now. Today has been interesting in an unfortunate way.

I've battled with mental health for so long- depression and anxiety as they say. I've always felt it's something more than this. My dad sadly committed suicide when I was younger and he had extensive history- whether it was well managed I don't know.

I've hit a wall. Mentally. I've spent my morning driving round tearing up and crying. I've put on a brave face for such a long time but I don't know how long I can continue. I can't even express to someone face to face how I feel. I'm what some may describe as a high functioning depressive person. I have to keep myself busy.

However at this moment in time I feel like I'm going to self destruct. I feel like I've been a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and here I am.

I couldn't care less if something happened to me. I'm not suicidal but I just don't care. My behaviour does not affect anyone else but myself.

At the moment I'd be happy to feel something else rather than this numbness. Even if it's pain.

Ive plucked up the courage to go to the doctors this afternoon. I've told my manager at work. But they don't know the full extent. I chickened out of telling her. The doctors first suggested me waiting till next week. I don't feel I can.

I don't even know what I want out of it. I can't talk to anybody. I have friends and family in real life but they don't understand. I can't tell them.

I've bottled everything up.

I just needed to get this out somewhere. Nothing big or life changing has hapeened. It's not debt related or anything. Everything's ticking over nicely in that sense. It's just been building a while. And I thought I'd managed it.

I don't want time off work.

I don't know what I want.

NeverUnderestimate

Today has been a NSD. That's a total of 2 NSD.

I went to the doctors and I literally just broke down. It's like I lead two different lives and I separate from either depending whatever circumstance I'm in.

The short of it all is someone is coming out to see me tomorrow from the crisis team. Last time I was this bad was two and a half years ago.

I don't feel proud. I don't feel much. I'm still numb.

I just want to feel happy. Or at least content.

I've probably cried so many tears to fill a lake today. I didn't know it was in me.

I may go quiet on here for a while whilst I get myself together and concentrate on me. I might also end up posting rants or my feelings.

I don't know what will happen. I just want to get better and smile again.

Bobarella

NU So sorry to read your post. You poor thing. I hope the crisis team can offer you some support.

Woodster76

You've been strong for too long. You carried on with your day to day life feeling empty but you don't know why you feel like that, because you have more than some people have. Then you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Crying is the release your mind needs to get all your emotions out even though you don't know why you are doing it.
I've been there and sounds like you've been there before and you know you will get better. Speak to the crises person tomorrow. tell them how you feel. Keeping it bottled up or saying you're fine won't help you. They're there to help you, they're there to listen and they won't judge you. If you can't speak to them write it all down and give it to them.

I hope you get the help you need. Please let us know how you got on. X

NeverUnderestimate

Morning.

I have someone coming round to see me just before lunch. So I can guess we'll see what they say. I'm going to write down all things that I cannot physically explain. I'm hoping we can explore the correct avenues.

I don't think it's a simple diagnosis of depression as the doctors have always stated. I think there's something more. I just cannot pin point it.

I've reserved some items from @rg0s from the 3for2 offer. That will mostly be the boys Christmas presents. Aside from a few other bits and bobs.

I finally told my mum about 1/4 of what's going on. She knows the basics. She admits she can't tell with me what's the norm. She sees me everyday though. I've said I'll need help in taking medications that are prescribed- more so in reminding me. It's crazy that even though with my job I easily forget simple things like this.

We spoke briefly about my dad and his history. He was a manic depressive (his diagnosis at the time). That was more than 15 years ago he died. Things were alot different back then.

I want to be properly assessed and have the right avenues to turn to. I've done about 4 or 5 courses of CBT. At this moment in time it's not the right thing for me. I simply do not have the concentration for it and I do not actively engage.

Huskyrunner

Have you ever pushed your gp too get you too see a psychiatrist, i underwent years of the same diagnosis ie you have depression take these antidepressants it will all go away etc etc.

Through my work and axa this year i pushed too get a psychitrist referral and i was diagnosed with cyclothymia very very different too depression the meds are different too. I have never done cbt but i have done interpersonal therapy which did help.

NeverUnderestimate

I've been seen by crisis team and I've agreed to go under the community mental health team. Hopefully there I shall see a psychiatrist and other professionals. This will be long term rather than short term intervention (crisis team).

I'll hopefully see the same team members on a regular basis rather than a different staff member each time.

We can only see. I have the numbers for crisis team if I need them.

I'm hoping by Monday the team will pick me up and give me an idea of waiting times.

--

This afternoon I've ventured out and traipsed round the shops with my mum. I didn't really want to but it got me out the house. However it was too busy for me and I found myself feeling threatened numerous times and vulnerable.

I've bought a few bits for Christmas for my son and my niece. My sons pretty much sorted now.

My next door neighbour is bringing fireworks round later. I'm rather grateful for this as it means I don't have to go out to a bonfire. I know I don't have to but my sons loves firewoaks. I'd hate for him to miss out. To be honest this has become a tradition for my neighbours to bring fireworks round for him. This will be the third year he's done this.

I'm pretty hunary right now.