Marriage might be over

paddy's_mum

If he doesn't want to listen, discuss, work out a way forwards, then actually what he wants is out.

There may be something that he has never been courageous or morally motivated enough to tell you about.

Hours of talking, and levelling with honesty, is actually the only way to make any progress (unless of course someone's telling fibs) Good luck.

WillowCat

affordmylife wrote: »

I'll never get a mortgage as I'll be 50 next year and don't earn a great amount x

It's not critical right now, but if you do separate and have negotiated a split (which might be more than 50% of the equity of your husband has good earnings or a decent pension) look into shared ownership schemes.

You may be able to put some or all of your capital into a part purchase which would give you as much security as owning your own home but with the ability to claim housing benefit for the rented part if necessary.

AylesburyDuck

affordmylife wrote: »

Yes we've talked a lot so he does know and he's agreed he is selfish but he wants what he wants and not what I do. So I either go along with it or change something x

So basically he's saying he doesnt care if want he wants means you leave?
I think it's clear then probably where your heading.
Theres is tons of people that can give practical advice (not me) re separation/divorce on the board, hopefully you'll find something that helps.
Good luck with everything.

missbiggles1

affordmylife wrote: »

I'll never get a mortgage as I'll be 50 next year and don't earn a great amount x

You can still get a mortgage at your age and,even earning NMW might still enable you to buy yourself a small flat with your half of the equity.

FBaby

affordmylife wrote: »

Yes we've talked a lot so he does know and he's agreed he is selfish but he wants what he wants and not what I do. So I either go along with it or change something x

If you've talked a lot, have you both expressed your unhappiness and why? What has made him changed and enjoyed being at the pub more than doing things with you?

Any discussion of compromises, of making efforts to try to rekindle what you once had?

missbiggles1

The OP doesn't actually say he prefers to go to the pub on his own, perhaps she could go there with him now there are no young children to consider?

hazyjo

My sister has your life. Her OH's mum had the same life. They sold up to live in a static home place too (his parents, not my sis). All his dad wants to do is go down the pub and drink beer. All my sis' OH wants to do is the same. She's 44 with 3 kids. They've been together around 23 years.

They have the occasional major row. My mum gets involved. It's unbearable. My mum stirs the pot as I reckon she thinks alcohol is the devil's blood the way she goes on about it. She went round there the other day and my BIL dared be sitting on the sofa drinking a bottle of water after a particularly heavy day/night of drinking. My mum ranted down the phone about it to me for ages. "I went round there and he was just sitting there!!!! When I think of all that needs doing in that house...!!!!". I actually sympathise with my BIL but keep out of it. He works bloody hard and SO WHAT if he wants to sit there doing nothing one day of his weekend. (prowla - I'm with you, mate lol.)


What I get so wound up about with my sister is that her OH was like that when she met him. He has always wanted to go down the pub. All his mates are at the pub. It is always any excuse for a p***-up. My sis is a home-bird. She doesn't really drink. She never wants to go out. She doesn't have a load of friends. She doesn't have a great deal of self confidence, and is now taking anti-depressants.


She still moans about the same things. She still gets upset about it all. I feel like banging my head on a brick wall when my mum goes on about it (what my sis has told her).


If this is a new situation, I'd be very sympathetic. But if you've spent the last 22 years saying the same thing hoping/presuming he'll change, I'll probably have to keep it zipped.


He will prob end up like my ex (another drinker) with atrial fibrillation. Seems to catch up with most 50-ish year olds if they drink to excess. Might be a scare, might lead to a stroke, who knows. My ex stopped drinking for 3 months after the first scare, then stopped a year later for 6 months when it happened again. Didn't stop him long term though.


Not saying anyone is right or wrong, just that you are both different and like doing different things. Don't expect him to change, I doubt very much that he will. And if that is what he likes doing, he will resent you if he's couped up indoors when he wants to be out.


Why on earth did you agree to sell the house?! That's the way a lot of drinkers go - the endless supply of cash just means they can go drinking and not feel so guilty.


If you go, sort out a plan first. Nothing wrong with renting, so long as you can afford it when you retire. And !!!!!! sort out the financials with a solicitor. Get it all split legally asap.


Good luck.


Jx

FBaby

The OP doesn't actually say he prefers to go to the pub on his own, perhaps she could go there with him now there are no young children to consider?

ha ha, my idea of hell, but agree with your point!

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

ha ha, my idea of hell, but agree with your point!

I'm not a great pub person anymore but they are where many couples do most of their socialising.

maman

lewishardwick wrote: »

Keep it safe. £80k will put a roof over your head for a good while.
Is your husband employed? From your first post I guess you're in your late 30's/early 40's? Perhaps he's stuck in a rut, for want of a better phrase... Telling him he's selfish may come across as nagging.

First, what do you want? Are you willing to work on the marriage? He might need your support more than he realises. Men keep their issues well hidden sometimes. I don't meant to sound like I'm taking sides, but who knows what's going on in his head...

If you're 100% sure you won't get a mortgage then £80K would be a great buffer to keep you with a roof over your head.


I think what you need to guard against is moving out into rented and letting things drift. It'd be all too easy for your OH to start drinking his way through the equity. You could end up in years to come in exactly the same position as you are now but without the money from the house.


I know a woman who walked away from a marriage and because she was the 'guilty' party foolishly didn't ask her OH for anything from the marriage. He sold their house and drank away all the equity (including treating friends down the pub) plus an inheritance from his father. I'm telling you this because it is possible to fritter away money very easily. He now lives with a new partner who fortunately (for him) has her own place.


The woman moved into a static caravan with her new partner but 20+ years on the place is a worthless wreck. Mainly because of normal depreciation but also because they had little money to spend on maintenance, not helped by the new partner also drinking heavily.


She's just been put into sheltered housing. Part of me says she's lucky but another part is furious because the state is now keeping her when she and her ex have just frittered away money making foolish decisions.