22 Foxhole East

VintageHistorian

I agree with @greenbee - I remember my brother at that age being nagged in to applying to University by our Mum. As far as he was concerned it was no skin off his nose if he went to University or didn't, got a job or didn't, the only thing he cared about at the time was passing his driving test (took him 3 times).

He was dragged to Open Days, encouraged to get his application in, and then chivvied in to studying for his exams. He got in to the local University (he had no interest in moving out, whereas I was very keen to get some independence), so was all set to go and get a BSc Computer Science. 

And then two weeks before he was due to start he suddenly announced that he had no interest in computer science and didn't want to go to University, and he'd found a carpentry course at a local college that he wanted to do instead. To be honest me and my Dad were not surprised, he was really not University material and is much happier working with his hands. He did his three years, including an apprenticeship, and enjoyed it. He's now looking at going to University for the first time at 30 years old as he wants to do a management course.

Me and my sisters on the other hand were all keen to go to University (even the anxiety-riddled one) and knew what we wanted to study, even if we couldn't see a career path for after it. I don't know whether this is truly representative of the genders, or what the cause might be (maybe young women enjoy education more? Or prefer the chance of a safer independence in the "halfway house" that University provides?), but I suspect there are a lot of parents of 18 year old boys who have trod the same path as you!

Bargainhunter30

I took 2 gap years initially, went to uni for a few weeks and still wasnt ready so dropped out and went back at 26 when I was ready to study. I did a lot of travelling and working overseas as well as some time working at home. I had the most amazing time, felt like I lived the uni lifestyle abroad. The only regret is I wish I had done a trade, so I had something useful to fall back on and could get a better job. My business management degree hasn't really got me anywhere. 

Bargainhunter30

I'm female btw, my sister was the same also, was a mature student and has a good job now, but did a more specialised degree though. My mum had a strict rule, we weren't going to lay about, if we weren't studying we had to be working and paying our way.

f0xh0les

VH - thank you.  At least your brother had a plan and found himself a course.  DS1 is perfectly content to lie in his bed, play on his computer, come down for meals and that is about it.  Nothing else.  Nothing at all.  No plans, no ideas, no direction, no real interests in the real world. 

BH -if he had any interest in travelling I would be delighted.    I know education does not stop as soon as you hit 18 and a half, but he has no clue about anything and no drive, no ambition, his plan is to scrape by with the bare minimum.  Your mum was quite right.  There will not be any lying about in bed all day.  He needs to get on with his school work and prep for 'The Big Wide World'.

Work has been cancelled for the day.  No f/b either.    -4 here at the minute, and LeShire county does not really bother gritting the roads.  Honestly it is unbelievable after Sheffield and Manchester who are pretty amazing,   how awful it is here every time it snows.

So an unplanned rest day.

greent

It may currently be an unplanned day, @f0xh0les, but I can't see you having a rest day!

Baileys_Babe

You have described my ds @foxholes sorry I have no solution only sympathy.

f0xh0les

Bargainhunter30 said:

I'm female btw, my sister was the same also, was a mature student and has a good job now, but did a more specialised degree though. My mum had a strict rule, we weren't going to lay about, if we weren't studying we had to be working and paying our way.

BB we need to be more like BH's Mum and  I need to stop making excuses for him, it may just be whatever sets his world on fire is not a subject on his curriculum , and it has not yet crossed his path (see that is me making excuses for him).  I have sent him links on apprenticeships, he can sift through those.  The focus right now is to get him 3 decent A level grades, and on the books at some temp agencies for May/June I suppose.  Well that is my plan for him. He may surprise us all and come up with his own plan.

VintageHistorian

Getting a job might help, my brother got one at a garden centre when he was 16 (again, Mum spotted the job advert so she took him in to get an application form, told him to fill it in, and then drove him back to hand it in himself) and then moved on to a used car dealership before his apprenticeship took up too much of his time (and started to pay better, he was very lucky to land roles with companies that paid above the National Apprenticeship Wage, which barely qualifies for the word "pittance"). I think getting yelled at because someone can't find the right potting compost or the correct type of vegetable seeds might have made him realise that he needed a better life plan if he didn't want to get stuck in retail for the rest of his life.

Could you drag him in to the food bank with you once a week? Even working alongside other volunteers, who won't have grown up with the same privileges and benefits as him, might give him a little head wobble.

greenbee

@f0xh0les - the food bank volunteering isn't a bad idea. My dad was very clear that subsidies stopped at the end of the summer term (or soon after) unless we were studying and we had to pay our way. Board and lodging could just about be covered by helping at home, but anything that involved cash needed to be earned by working. TBH we probably got away quite lightly as we were very rural so jobs were hard to come by, and if he hadn't subsidised the car/fuel we wouldn't have been able to afford to work, but we did at least go out and work - mine was mostly reception/bar working/cheffing/au pair work. My brother worked in a chocolate factory and bagging veg as well as doing bar work. We both did sugar-beet roguing which was really hard on the hands and unbelievable boring! If we couldn't find jobs we were expected to volunteer. 

It might be worth telling him how much you're going to charge him for board & lodging from the day after his A level term finishes, so he can focus his mind on that. You can always save it for him, but if it will motivate him then it's worth it. Boys tend to need a reason to study other than passing exams, so until he knows what he wants to do with himself he probably won't push himself to get good grades 'just in case'. Remind him that retakes will be REALLY boring if he suddenly realises in a couple of years' time that he needs better grades. And he'll have to do them while working. 

Good luck... 

Bargainhunter30

And working with his mum at the FB might spur him on to make a few decisions for his own independence 😂 ruining his street cred and all that! Cant wait till mine are old enough to embarrass them!