Worried about my mum

Jox

There's some good advice here...

https://www.discoveryplace.info/secrets-helping-alcoholic-family-member-or-friend

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/Alcoholsupport.aspx

What are the consequences of your mum drinking, missing days at her job, not looking after your siblings? Anything else, is she aggressive, violent, name calling? You and your siblings don't have your dad around, can you suggest to her you would like her around as long as possible?

Does she drink with her friend, maybe they are encouraging each other.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Yep tried the AA thing. She is going down the councelling route (or so she claims). Apparently she has drank as long as I've been alive, although I didn't notice until the last 5-6 years. She acknowledges she has a problem.

I think she's got to the point of not caring whether she loses her job any more, and she has me to lean on at the moment with the siblings. Do you think I should take myself away from the situation for a bit? Am I being an enabler? The kids are safe with her so that wouldn't be an issue.

I can be quite strong in my opinion and worry I may be imposing a bit too much. Although she has told me I have been her rock I do get the feeling she feels I am 'trying to take over' sometimes.

It's hard when I care so much about my siblings though

She is on anti-depressants although I told her alcohol does counteract them.

They might not be at risk of being hit, but they're left in a lonely place with no support from somebody who is in bed or emotionally absent from their lives. And when she loses her job and gets sanctioned for not signing on because she's busy sleeping, where do they live? Does that mean they have to feed themselves, shop, cook, clean for themselves, or does she drag herself up from her pit to chuck a burned pizza at them when she remembers? What happens when she's forced into withdrawal from lack of money/drinking her sick pay and sustains permanent damage from the DTs? Do your teenaged siblings know how to deal with somebody hallucinating, having seizures? Are they emotionally equipped to deal with not having dinner money put on their account because Mum's drunk it all or not woken up to top up the ParentPay account? To handle the embarrassment of not being able to take friends home, of not being able to confide in her, of having to say 'Mum's a bit down' rather than 'She's probably S***faced facedown on the bedroom carpet again'? Do they know how to put her in the recovery position so she doesn't choke to death on her own vomit? Do they know how to deal with a raging drunk with their self pitying wails of how life is so unfair and they're only going to have one drink because it's only reasonable when somebody has died/somebody left them/they wound her up/it was a hard day at work/there's a d-a or y in the name of the day? or that they're 'just a bit tired' when they can hardly stand up and their eyes are all over the place?

(By the way, antidepressants + alcohol = an increased risk that one afternoon, she just won't wake up again).


More to the point, why should they need to know those things?

Assuming everything is OK because she doesn't bash your siblings around doesn't mean they aren't having their physical and emotional needs neglected every single day of their lives because somebody has more attachment to a bottle of vodka or wine than them, whatever they will grandly declare to all and sundry.

LKRDN_Morgan

Whilst I completely understand you wanting to help your mum there isn't much you can do until she's ready.

In your shoes my priority would be my siblings. Leaving them to their own devices whilst she sleeps off the drink is completely unacceptable and shows she's incapable of meeting their needs at the moment.

Are you in a position to take them in? Even as a temporary measure. I'd be tempted to ring social care. It might be the shock she needs to sort herself out

Savvy_Sue

For the OP, Al-Anon may prove useful, especially as you're asking if you're maybe enabling her. The answer is almost certainly yes, because that's what we do, and because you can't see an alternative without even more serious damage to your siblings. But Al-Anon should help with that.

Detroit

This environment is extremely bad for her children. They are of higher priority than your mum, who, although unwell and grieving, is an adult with choices. Your siblings are not, and have none.

While it is understandable that you have sympathy with your mum and ideally want to help her to get her life back together, and don't want to make things worse; you've tried all of this without success, and your siblings continue to lack adequate parenting.

The welfare of children is the responsibility of all decent adults, relatives or not. You are aware of children living in inadequate circumstances, and hard as it is, should take steps to protect them.

The authorities need to be aware of the situation so your family can receive the help they need.

If you are concerned about the repercussions, call social services anonymously without giving details, and ask them how they would handle the situation.

They are aware involving them can be a difficult decision and are used to talking people through the process before they disclose. They may be able to reassure you their involvement would be for the best.