Worried about my mum

Newlyboughthouse

Hi

My mum is a long term functioning alcoholic with two young children (and me - not so young).

I feel like she is going further and further downhill since my Dad died late last year.

What has prompted me to write this today is that I have just called and my sister said she is still asleep. It's nearly 13:00 on a Monday. She is supposed to be at work. She used to be an early riser but lately she is always late for work (or apparently, today, just not gone in). This has sent major alarm bells.

She claims she is getting help for her drinking through her GP and admits she does have a problem.

Problem with my mum is she is not easy to communicate with sometimes. She gets very very defensive and any attempt to help her would probably end in a blazing row.

Any advice/similar situations at all?

I am worried about the impact this is having on my young siblings.

TIA

Savvy_Sue

How old are your siblings?

It's very difficult because there's not a lot you or anyone else can do. She has to do it.

But if your siblings are of an age where they need support with understanding that this isn't normal, then Al-Ateen is worth pursuing.

You could tell the GP that you do not think she is functioning very well atm, but they can't talk to you. You could express your concerns about your siblings in the same way.

She's maybe finding the whole summer holiday thing too much. Any chance you could have your siblings for a holiday?

Newlyboughthouse

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

How old are your siblings?

It's very difficult because there's not a lot you or anyone else can do. She has to do it.

But if your siblings are of an age where they need support with understanding that this isn't normal, then Al-Ateen is worth pursuing.

You could tell the GP that you do not think she is functioning very well atm, but they can't talk to you. You could express your concerns about your siblings in the same way.

She's maybe finding the whole summer holiday thing too much. Any chance you could have your siblings for a holiday?

I don't want to say how old as don't want to give anything identifiable away, but very early teens.

I have them very regularly as it is - always taking them on days out and stuff and they are really no trouble at home. The one is glued to his tablet and the other goes out with friends/stays quietly in their room.

I will look into alateen and call her GP.

Has anyone as a parent been in this position before? It's like she's given up on life.

Jox

She must be grieving for your dad, I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard when you are worried about a parent and you have young siblings to think about. It's great you take them on days out. Does your mum have any siblings or friends you can confide in?

indsty

When you say that your siblings are "really no trouble" at home, then that does ring alarm bells for me. Living with an alcoholic mother who is still in bed at 1 p.m. is far from ideal and I do fear for their well-being, although you are clearly trying to step in to help wherever possible. They both seem to be retreating from the situation, either by "tablet" or by going out.

Definitely give her GP a call, and anyone else who is involved in her care. Make sure you get support too if possible.

Newlyboughthouse

Jox wrote: »

She must be grieving for your dad, I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard when you are worried about a parent and you have young siblings to think about. It's great you take them on days out. Does your mum have any siblings or friends you can confide in?

Not really - as a family unit we are quite silo'd from extended family. Her best friend is an alcoholic too and not sure how much help she would be - she would only tell my mum I'd spoken to her.

tea_lover

Is your father also your siblings' father (you don't actually need to answer that here of course). Was just thinking that if they have also recently lost their father, they could well benefit from speaking to a child bereavement charity. Who in turn may be able to point them towards help regarding your mum's drinking.

Newlyboughthouse

indsty wrote: »

When you say that your siblings are "really no trouble" at home, then that does ring alarm bells for me. Living with an alcoholic mother who is still in bed at 1 p.m. is far from ideal and I do fear for their well-being, although you are clearly trying to step in to help wherever possible. They both seem to be retreating from the situation, either by "tablet" or by going out.

Definitely give her GP a call, and anyone else who is involved in her care. Make sure you get support too if possible.

Thanks. They have always been very well behaved, polite kids. The younger one can be a bit difficult at times but no more than your average ** year old.

Everyone does always comment on how polite and kind they both are to be fair so whilst I appreciate they may ring alarm bells for you, I don't feel that's an issue. But then again I have no idea what is going through their minds. They don't talk about home life, not to me anyway.

Newlyboughthouse

tea_lover wrote: »

Is your father also your siblings' father (you don't actually need to answer that here of course). Was just thinking that if they have also recently lost their father, they could well benefit from speaking to a child bereavement charity. Who in turn may be able to point them towards help regarding your mum's drinking.

The younger one is seeing a councellor, but the older one turned it down.

Jox

My gran was an alcoholic, I remember being 8 years old and bandaging her knee when she fell down, she went to AA and gave up booze and fags.

What would your mum say if you offered to go to an AA meeting with her? She has to want to do it of course. Has she hit rock bottom? If there's a chance she might lose her job and there's a chance she could lose your siblings it might give her the motivation to sort herself out.

I was very depressed for months after a loved one passed away, she may pick herself up in time. Alcohol is a depressant as well.

Newlyboughthouse

Jox wrote: »

My gran was an alcoholic, I remember being 8 years old and bandaging her knee when she fell down, she went to AA and gave up booze and fags.

What would your mum say if you offered to go to an AA meeting with her? She has to want to do it of course. Has she hit rock bottom? If there's a chance she might lose her job and there's a chance she could lose your siblings it might give her the motivation to sort herself out.

I was very depressed for months after a loved one passed away, she may pick herself up in time. Alcohol is a depressant as well.

Yep tried the AA thing. She is going down the councelling route (or so she claims). Apparently she has drank as long as I've been alive, although I didn't notice until the last 5-6 years. She acknowledges she has a problem.

I think she's got to the point of not caring whether she loses her job any more, and she has me to lean on at the moment with the siblings. Do you think I should take myself away from the situation for a bit? Am I being an enabler? The kids are safe with her so that wouldn't be an issue.

I can be quite strong in my opinion and worry I may be imposing a bit too much. Although she has told me I have been her rock I do get the feeling she feels I am 'trying to take over' sometimes.

It's hard when I care so much about my siblings though

She is on anti-depressants although I told her alcohol does counteract them.