Bedroom problems

Lambyr

I think he just now feels embarrassed and can't really face seeing you again because of it. It's not your fault, it's his - not cos he couldn't get it up but because he has clearly so much of his self-esteem wrapped around his groinal finger.

If you wanted to pursue the relationship, I'd give it a few days and send a neutral text with no reference to the not-happening. While it's still fresh, and it's still the primary subject of discussion, he's gonna probably be as red as a strawberry. Give it a few days to be less on the mind and maybe he'd actually feel a bit better and not quite as embarrassed over it and possibly even slightly comforted that you were still showing an interest. But that's obviously your call.

But if it ever did happen, I'd advise not "faking it" as someone else suggested. It doesn't really help either of you.

MXW

Lambyr wrote: »

I think he just now feels embarrassed and can't really face seeing you again because of it. It's not your fault, it's his - not cos he couldn't get it up but because he has clearly so much of his self-esteem wrapped around his groinal finger.

If you wanted to pursue the relationship, I'd give it a few days and send a neutral text with no reference to the not-happening. While it's still fresh, and it's still the primary subject of discussion, he's gonna probably be as red as a strawberry. Give it a few days to be less on the mind and maybe he'd actually feel a bit better and not quite as embarrassed over it and possibly even slightly comforted that you were still showing an interest. But that's obviously your call.

But if it ever did happen, I'd advise not "faking it" as someone else suggested. It doesn't really help either of you.

The last text I sent to him basically said, that I understood how he was stressed on the day, but that was because he had such high expectations of the day (he text/rang me every day leading up to it counting down the days). I told him that the expectation was his, and I would be just as happy having a picnic, than the all singing and dancing day and evening he had planned.....it had cost him a fortune!

I know he was nervous about the day, because he text me the day before to ask if I was nervous. Anyway, I just said that we had rushed things, and that if we had slowed things down (as I tried to do, but he told me that I was what he wanted, and he was going to go for it), we would probably not he in this situation.

Told him that I was going to get on with my life, but that if he took a step back, and cleared his head, and realised that he had made the wrong decision , then he could contact me, and we could try again, buy very slowly. Told him just to think about it.

He replied saying that he couldn't answer that text, that he was upset that he had upset me, and that I deserved much better. Said he would always keep my number, and was happy to stay in contact, to prove that what he did was not planned (not sure what he means by that).

sleepymans

If a man can satisfy a woman without his P**nis then it doesn't matter if he can or can't get wood!
There again.....I may be letting my experience of late life relationships colour my views!

If he isn't more interested in pleasing you (rather than himself)...then kick him to the curb!!

Andrew_Ryan_89

MXW wrote: »

Well.....an update. He text me a couple of times last night, very apologetic about spoiling everything. Said he had been stressed all day, and didn't realise meeting someone would be so stressful. Said he would ring me today.

Today, he text me to say he couldn't ring me, and possibly not tomorrow, but he would try (the reasons why aren't really important). I told him that was fine, as long as he wasn't trying to avoid me. Said if he wanted to end it, then he should, and not let it drag out.

He replied saying that he thought ending it was for the best. The he turned up on the day stressed, and he was upset with himself for that. Said it had made him realise that he wasn't ready for a full on relationship, and he was sorry that he had hurt me.

There were many texts going backwards and forwards (we were both at work). I said that I couldn't understand how he had been with me all day and all evening (meaning he was very tactile) holding my hand, arm around me, and sneaking a kiss), to the day after..... everything changes! Nobody is that good an actor! Even on the day he was planning, day trips we could go on!

All the rushing has been down to him, and I was carried away with his enthusiasm! As I told him, it's gone from 100 miles an hour, to zero overnight!

I will never understand men. It's just a shame it had to end this way.

This was expected and I'll tell you something. I am 99.99% sure he is thinking about you right now and banging his head against the wall about how he "screwed" things up. I never had a proper girlfriend until I was 23. Despite not being the best looking, every institution I was part of, school, work etc. there was always at least one girl that would throw herself at me. Each time I was too scared to ask them out (they expected me to do that), feeling they will reject me because my lack of experience, both in general dating, social skills and in the bed.

I remember one girl I mustered up the courage to ask one girl to be my girlfriend (I had no problem asking them out to the movies etc. but had no idea how to ask them to be my partner). I was shaking, voice was shaking and sweating like I was going to war. She said no and gave me the whole "it's not you it's me" line. I called her later asking her not to tell anyone what happened, confidence was ripped to shreds.

Everyone girl that through herself at me I would promise I would not make the same mistakes but I kept on. Left university and met a girl at work. Again, fancied her, had no problem taking her to lunch, dinner etc. but had no idea how to ask her to be my girlfriend. Again, same mistakes happened and I promised myself I would just ignore her (like I've done with other girls) and I'll try with the next one. Long story short, she frustratingly asked me if I liked her. I replied yes and next month we are getting married.

However, nothing was easy at the start. She was obviously used to dating men with ripped abs and great overall fitness where I was the complete opposite. I never even used to swim because I was disgusted with my body. She would tell me to strip and stand naked in front of her. She will give me massages, compliment the complimentable (not sure if that's a word) parts of my body. It got to a point that I could walk naked around her with no shame. If I had troubles in the bedroom (which still happens) I would not feel embarrassed.

Sorry for the wall of text but the moral of the story is -

1. Despite the social pressure to have a bit of swag and bravado, men are extremely fragile beings. Of course, the ideal would be for a guy to sweep you off your feet, take the initiative but sometimes the women has to be that person. Sounds like you had a fantastic time so my answer will be to call him, be stern, be the boss and demand that he stops being a coward (don't use those word) and go out with you to seriously discuss the relationship instead of him essentially dumping you over the text.

2. Build his confidence. He sounds like a fragile guy. Try what I previously said about being comfortable, faking it if you have too etc. He's a broken man and just needs to be built back up. And you never know, could end up being the best thing to happen. My fiance and I joke about how scared I was to touch her way back when and how I dominate her now! :rotfl:

3. If you do the above, what's the worst that could happen?

PeacefulWaters

Meg_x wrote: »

Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud.:rotfl:

It took some typing to be fair and I nearly deleted the post.

But in my embarrassment I realised I was with a new partner who was enjoying being with me physically as well as in all the other ways. This was an important problem for me / us to resolve from my perspective but clearly not the be all and end all.

By all accounts it's not uncommon for both genders to function less than effectively when sleeping with a new partner and while it might worry some it really isn't a big deal.

Lily-Rose_3

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

First relationship after a 20+ year virtually sexless marriage ended for me. Very attractive lady.

Mr Droopy made an appearance to start with. We talked and laughed about it. The problem morphed into Mr KeepOnGoingForAsLongAsYouWantButThisWontClimaxThisSideOfChristmas.

My lady friend was quite happy with this! We talked, and laughed some more, and she reassured me she wasn't going anywhere. It was clearly a mind over matter thing on my part. It didn't take too long to resolve without involving a doctor.

Both were problems I didn't anticipate. Both went away in time.

Shame she dumped me a few months later!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Best post on here!

*Robin* wrote: »

Is it 'normal' these days for fifty-somethings to expect sex on the second date?

..M'self, can't think of anything more likely to create problems in the "bedroom department"!

Why not get to know each other, see if you enjoy spending time together first - for months rather than weeks - then if the relationship has any value it will progress naturally (was going to write 'organically! ).

Hmmmmm I thought that too. I am in my early to mid 50s, and me and my OH have been together since we were just out of our teens. If we ever split, I couldn't think of anything WORSE than meeting a new man, and then getting naked and 'doing it' on the second date. :eek:

It would be a loooooong time before I would be prepared to progress to that stage, and if said new bloke wasn't prepared to wait, he'd have to jog on.

It just seems a bit odd to get intimate with someone you have only seen once, especially when you're in your mid 50s. As you said, at this stage if life, I would expect to get to know someone a lot first, and spent quite a bit of time together.

JMO.

suki1964

This thread is so scary

You are prepared to get naked and down and dirty on the second date , yet you can not talk face to face or at least on a phone


So how well do you really know this man ??

Anne summers, less hassle, no texting or talking involved

*max*

MXW wrote: »

Well.....an update. He text me a couple of times last night, very apologetic about spoiling everything. Said he had been stressed all day, and didn't realise meeting someone would be so stressful. Said he would ring me today.

Today, he text me to say he couldn't ring me, and possibly not tomorrow, but he would try (the reasons why aren't really important). And yet they are. Red flag. He either cannot (because of other "commitment", ie: wife/girlfriend) or will not (because he really doesn't want to, and never had any intention to). I told him that was fine, as long as he wasn't trying to avoid me. Said if he wanted to end it, then he should, and not let it drag out.

He replied saying that he thought ending it was for the best. The guy's now rubbing his hands in glee; you gave the perfect "out". The he turned up on the day stressed, and he was upset with himself for that. Said it had made him realise that he wasn't ready for a full on relationship, and he was sorry that he had hurt me. This is complete bull-faeces. He knew he didn't want anything more.

There were many texts going backwards and forwards (we were both at work). I said that I couldn't understand how he had been with me all day and all evening (meaning he was very tactile) holding my hand, arm around me, and sneaking a kiss), to the day after..... everything changes! Nobody is that good an actor! Oh yes, they are! When some people know what they want, they will find a way to get it - he's a manipulator. All the signs are there. Even on the day he was planning, day trips we could go on!

All the rushing has been down to him, and I was carried away with his enthusiasm! As I told him, it's gone from 100 miles an hour, to zero overnight!

I will never understand men. It's just a shame it had to end this way.

You've had a lucky escape. This guy was out for one thing, and when he couldn't get it (his problem!), he managed to make you feel sorry for him. I say he scored! I've met only one man like this, I'd call him a master manipulator, a "thrill seeker", always excited about the chase, but nothing more. Always knew the right thing to say so as not to appear at fault. Always knew how to make someone feel "special", always managed to charm you out of blaming him. Very, very clever. But ultimately? Alone.
You're well rid, in my opinion. Don't contact him again.

jetplane

I agree with *max* whatever his real intentions if he's this difficult, this early on, then you are well out of it. And people definitely can act the part, manipulative or needy it doesn't matter which, do you need this drama in your life?

hazyjo

He's married.


I met someone online once. Spoke on mobiles all the time, I even stayed at his house, we had a holiday to Devon booked, I rang him New Year's Eve, Christmas, etc - met him for the first time when we were both in Edinburgh on Boxing Day, he was staying at mine over several weekends (hotels first - him on his own, not me with him!) then around 4-5 months in, I get a call from his WIFE.


I'm not usually a gullible person, I'm suspicious of everything and am a very good sleuth, but he got me. Yes, his marriage was over and they didn't sleep together (she told me that too), but he was most definitely married (with a son). It was all very complicated and I said he needed to prove he was on his own and not jumping from one relationship to the next, so made him live on his own for a year - there was some distance, but he did end up moving in with me for a couple of years after that. Did turn out to be controlling, irritating and slightly crazy when I eventually dumped him, mind...


Anyway, I stand by the fact - he's still married. Bet you.


Jx