Child Maintenance

pollyanna24

I get a monthly amount from my ex for our two daughters. I am happy with this and it is a private arrangement.

However, and I know I can't make him pay, but just wanted other people's views, is it wrong of me to ask for half of special expenses?

Like passports and, in the future, I imagine my daughters will be going on week long school trips which can potentially cost quite a lot (at the moment, I don't ask for half of any day school trips).

Guest101

It depends on a number of things really, including how child contact is shared and each of your circumstances.


You presumably claim child benefit (CTC/WTC) and get maintenance which should supplement the majority of the costs.


There's nothing wrong with agreeing more, or agreeing one offs.


The CM system is flawed, fundamentally.


If you have a 50/50 shared care arrangements, your ex is still expected to pay 50% rate of child maintenance to you, which seems strange if you both incur the same costs. So it is assumed that the 'one-offs' would come from that (+ your equal contribution to that)

Fosterdog

It's worth asking but in reality the maintenance you get is already there to cover his half of those expenses as well as day to day expenses. How often does he have the children?

He probably has extra expenses when they are with him that you don't have to pay half of, whether it's just the cost of feeding them, transport costs, entertainment costs, if he ever buys them clothes or any other items, decorating their bedroom/s if they have any at his place.

He may be happy to contribute some towards your extras but really doesn't have to.

OH contributes extra to things like school trips but only the ones the kids want to go on, there have been a few that they didn't really want to go on but his ex wanted them to so he refused to pay for them. Same as out of school activities, the ones they want to do he will contribute to but the ones she insists on that they are not really interested in he won't pay for. Each of his kids has individual interests and groups they want to attend and he supports them fully. Their mum has groups she wants them to attend and show interest in but he doesn't want them forced into it so will not cover any costs relating to them other than the maintenance he pays.

maman

I'd say that you're expected to budget for all children's expenses including school off-site visits.


However many children go on some of the most expensive school visits by using birthday and Christmas money from family (my DGDs have recently been to New York and LA). He may be prepared to consider a contribution as a gift.


Although a little OT, from the little you say fosterdog, it seems that there's a certain amount of manipulation going on by picking and choosing which activities your OH is prepared to fund and support which may not be in the children's best interests.


I was disappointed that my DD encouraged DGD to go on the glam visit to NYC but didn't encourage her to go to the WW1 Battlefield visits. This wasn't even a choice she could have done both but she gave in to the understandably shallow tastes of a 13 year old. Children don't always know best.

pollyanna24

Thanks for the replies. I don't ask him for anything towards what I choose for the girls to do (except for swimming as I knew he'd agree it was a vital life skill).

He has the girls every other weekend. I don't restrict him seeing them whenever else he wants them and he sometimes has them for dinner, but not very often. They don't have their own rooms at his house, but have to sleep on the floor of a bedroom in blow up beds. He does buy them clothes and they have separate sets at his house (I don't think he likes my taste or something and so always puts them in his own clothes).

I do receive child benefit, but no other benefits.

The amount he gives me doesn't cover half of the costs of the children, but that's by the by, I'm happy with the amount I get which I put towards childcare while I'm at work.

DUTR

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I don't ask him for anything towards what I choose for the girls to do (except for swimming as I knew he'd agree it was a vital life skill).

He has the girls every other weekend. I don't restrict him seeing them whenever else he wants them and he sometimes has them for dinner, but not very often. They don't have their own rooms at his house, but have to sleep on the floor of a bedroom in blow up beds. He does buy them clothes and they have separate sets at his house (I don't think he likes my taste or something and so always puts them in his own clothes).

I do receive child benefit, but no other benefits.

The amount he gives me doesn't cover half of the costs of the children, but that's by the by, I'm happy with the amount I get which I put towards childcare while I'm at work.

It's sort of simple to resolve (or know for sure) .... if you don't ask then there is a high chance he won't contribute additional costs, if you do ask there is a higher chance he may agree additional costs.
I'd guess that the extra possible contribution could go to new beds.
And of course all subject to affordability.

Guest101

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I don't ask him for anything towards what I choose for the girls to do (except for swimming as I knew he'd agree it was a vital life skill).

He has the girls every other weekend. I don't restrict him seeing them whenever else he wants them and he sometimes has them for dinner, but not very often. They don't have their own rooms at his house, but have to sleep on the floor of a bedroom in blow up beds. He does buy them clothes and they have separate sets at his house (I don't think he likes my taste or something and so always puts them in his own clothes).

I do receive child benefit, but no other benefits.

The amount he gives me doesn't cover half of the costs of the children, but that's by the by, I'm happy with the amount I get which I put towards childcare while I'm at work.

To be fair, it's not supposed to cover half the costs as such.


But that's not relevant as you're happy with it.


I think if you have a reasonably amicable relationship, you should be ok to discuss any additional trips etc.


Given he doesn't have a spare room for them, I presume money is tight? So that should be taken into account.

pollyanna24

Guest101 wrote: »

To be fair, it's not supposed to cover half the costs as such.


But that's not relevant as you're happy with it.


I think if you have a reasonably amicable relationship, you should be ok to discuss any additional trips etc.


Given he doesn't have a spare room for them, I presume money is tight? So that should be taken into account.

Thank you. Hopefully the expensive trips won't be happening for a few years yet. But I have just asked for half a passport cost as he does take them out of the country.

He lives in a three bed with his girlfriend who has her own kids and my two just bunk in with her children. I am not sure of his financial circumstances, but I do believe him to be better off than me from his frequent trips abroad, but again, that's by the by. I wouldn't necessarily expect him to have a spare room for children that only spend 4 nights a month there regardless of how money is spare.

burlington6

Be careful.

A friend of ours had a private agreement with her ex.

She thought he should contribute more in a few areas. He thought he was paying enough.

She took him through the various agencies/court and ended up receiving less

pollyanna24

burlington6 wrote: »

Be careful.

A friend of ours had a private agreement with her ex.

She thought he should contribute more in a few areas. He thought he was paying enough.

She took him through the various agencies/court and ended up receiving less

Thanks. As it stands, I have no intention of doing anything through the Courts (although I could as I work for a lawyer) as I imagine I would probably get less as my ex is self employed. When we first split up and there were nasty patches, he did say that he would just stop working and then I would get nothing. I have no idea if he would do this, but am not prepared to risk it. Plus, there's no need to as I am (generally) happy with the arrangement.

Fosterdog

maman wrote: »

Although a little OT, from the little you say fosterdog, it seems that there's a certain amount of manipulation going on by picking and choosing which activities your OH is prepared to fund and support which may not be in the children's best interests.

Why do you automatically assume that he is being manipulative and that their mother has their best interests in mind but he doesn't? He loves his children more than anything in this world, he wants what is best for them. He no Disney dad giving in and just trying to please them he takes a genuine interest in their lives and encourages their passions and interests.

What OH does support is all of the children attending swimming and martial arts, they each go through phases of not wanting to but he encourages it anyway and supports them financially. His eldest attends a school based drama group and an out of school drama group, she loves it so he supports both. His middle daughter loves music and art, she is learning guitar and drums as well as going to an art club he supports these. His son doesn't really want to do any of them and is going through a lazy teenager phase where he just wants to play his Xbox all the time, OH has got him to agree to stick with a science club in school, it is the subject he enjoys most and at least gets something out of it, he has also talked him in to going to a youth club once a week so he has some socialisation out of school instead of just sitting in front of the to or computer. Youngest attends dance and art groups.

He is happy that these are all good activities for his children to take part in. The children were raised as atheist by him and his ex but she has since converted to Catholicism to suit her new partner. It is actually church groups and trips she forces them into against their wishes and he refuses to pay towards in any way. Why should he? He cannot stand religion in any form and doesn't want his children being indoctrined by the church. The church is in no way in their best interests.

She wants their son to join a football team, son has no interest whatsoever in football. OH loves football but still will not support his son being forced into something he really doesn't like (son would prefer rugby but ex hates it so will not even compromise on rugby instead of football, OH not fussed on it but would support son if he joined a team).

Same with his middle daughter, she likes netball and wants to join but ex thinks it a waste of time and wants her to play hockey instead which she doesn't want to do, OH is supporting his daughters choice and will contribute if ex allows her to play netball but will not pay to force his daughter into hockey.

Ex wants the kids to join in with all of the things she did at school and her exact words to OH were that she was made to do them back then so her kids will be made to do them now. OH also doesn't want them taking on too much as he wants them to concentrate on their education, he still wants them to enjoy their childhoods, ex just seems to want them out of the house for as many hours of the day as possible and is constantly pushing for them to join more clubs and groups that they don't want to. They still have to fit in time for family, friends, homework, and winding down and having time to themselves.