Bit of a family crisis. In fact a massive one.

pollypenny

Sounds like the family here are just interfering busy-bodies.

If A wanted to return he would.

As for that email, horrible!

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

Is there religion involved? Seems like family is very much involved in the business of sibling A and his wife. Surely it is their lives and they do what they want?

The whole family dynamics as described make me think FBaby is possibly right with the above.

I think sibling B has way over-stepped the mark with his message to sibling A's wife and should not be surprised at all at the sh*t storm that came his way.

apeshape wrote: »

Now sibling B has had enough, previously very close to family but in despair about the whole situation does not want to even speak to any member of his family. Ignores emails, phones etc.

Thoughts? Or....what would YOU do in this situation if you were B. This family is being ripped apart.

What is the tone of the emails and phone calls from the family?
Still angry with sibling B?
Conciliatory?
Concerned for sibling B?

If I were sibling B I'd apologise to the family - including sibling A and his wife - and let the situation get back to how it was in its own time.
Tell your friend (B) he's in the wrong.

GwylimT

If someone emailed myself or my wife to 'supportively' suggest we kill our baby I an assure you we would never have anything to do with that person again.

I also wouldn't have much to do with some who consider having a child a 'horrible twist'.

If I was B I wouldn't have been such a see you next tuesday in the first place.

If I was the family I wouldn't have been so incredibly controlling of my adult children.

divadee

Sorry I think everyone should live there own lives how they please. It's none of B's business what A does. Just as it's not A's business how B lives.

B was bang out of order with that email. It is none of his business. I would tell friend to apologise and then leave it. In time A might forgive and forget but B should not count on it.

Top_Girl

If I were sibling B, I would apologise for suggesting that my niece/nephew should be aborted and hope that sibling A and his wife could forgive me.

I'm not sure why this car crash is relevant, but if sibling B is not comfortable being sibling A's confidante, sibling B owes it to A to make this clear.

Imagine feeling like your visits cause so much strain and that all you will get once you're home is nagged at to return? I'm not surprised that the visits are irregular.

Ultimately sibling A and his wife are adults and their choices are their own to make. If there were genuine concerns about the welfare of A junior, then that would be a different matter, but this does not seem to be the case from this post.

Sibling B would be well advised to get on with their own life, helping when they want and feel able to and leave sibling A to manage their own.

pandora205

Sibling A visited home on average 1-2 weeks per year over the past 3 years causing significant strain and unease within family.

Why? Two of my adult children live abroad and don't visit that much. I don't expect it due to cost and distance and arrange my life so that I can visit them but not necessarily annually.

There is a very strange family dynamic here unless there is something missing from the information provided.

meer53

Siblings A & B are grown ups. Family should butt out and let them get on with it.

Sibling B is out of order for sending the email.

OP, why are you involved ?

AylesburyDuck

Oh dear, problems everywhere.
A /needs to stop sending mixed signals to his parents if he truely doesnt want to come home, and frankly if he did, he would!
His Parents / need to butt out and let him get on with it, be supportive finantially if they want to but without strings on the money emotinally. The more they push the more he will pull back.
B / I strongly suggest he looks up the word supportive, my god who sends emails like that to a pregnant woman. Words fail. Leave things alone, and never interfere in a marriage like that.

It comes across to me that A truely dopesnt want to leave and mumbles things he thinks people want to hear.

pebbles88

apeshape wrote: »

Here's the situation. Married sibling A, late 20's early 30's has been away for a few years now in search of work in a very authoritarian country with limited means to visit / travel in / leave due to fruitless job search back home. Won't bore you with those details. Sibling A visited home on average 1-2 weeks per year over the past 3 years causing significant strain and unease within family. Genuinely is difficult to travel to/from said country (take my word for this)

Time goes on, family wants A to return and has been close to tears trying to convince A to come back on numerous occasions. Including setting up potential career / job opportunities.

A has the right to live wherever & how he wishes without having to be made to feel guilty or have his family use tears to try and get what they want. His wife is also his family, any decision to come back to live here shouldn't be discussed without her involvement.

A insists desperate willingness to return but is relentlessly stubborn, and procrastinates insisting going back on JSA being unemployed looking for work is worse whilst insisting that commercial opportunities are right around the corner. This goes on for a protracted period causing immense frustration to family. A has also regularly borrowed from family members for support during this time away. A's mental health deteriorates but stubbornness persists to the great emotional cost of the family. Even has car crash which sibling B promises to (and did) keep secret from rest of family.

Car crash is irrelevant.
Again, A isn't in the place to agree to come home without the discussion with his Wife, he could have just been telling you what you wanted to hear in order to stop the pressure from the UK family.

Unfortunately it proves that if you lend money from people, they do seem to think they have a say in what you do.

Now for a horrible plot twist. The inevitable happens. Wife, also out there and having an equally wretched time ends up pregnant. Sibling A does not tell sibling B until half way through pregnancy. Sibling A fobs situation off to B and takes the 'doesnt really matter anyway life is already sh**', and "life is just life" regarding the whole matter irrespective of the consequences.

imho: he hasn't mentioned the pregnancy until now as he knew what would be said

B stands back, decides to send supportive email to A's wife, explaining situation to suggest that under such difficult circumstances for both of them it may not be time to be starting a family.

What on earth was B thinking would be the reaction to that email..... He 'explained' the situation to them.... How rude & patronising.

Few days later, other parental family members find out B sent message to A's wife (via wife) an absolute sh** storm of emotion gets directed at sibling B by one parent despite B staying near home and supporting parents loyally, tirelessly and faithfully during A's time being absent.

im not surprised that the wife told the UK family, the fallout from it is justified. the fact that B had stayed near home & 'loyally, tirelessly & faithfully' supporting his parents Possibly indicates where some of his real frustration lies. But that statement has nothing to do with what has occurred since they found out about the email. It doesn't excuse what he inferred to the wife, which is what has caused the upset.


Now sibling B has had enough, previously very close to family but in despair about the whole situation does not want to even speak to any member of his family. Ignores emails, phones etc.

Thoughts? Or....what would YOU do in this situation if you were B. This family is being ripped apart.

its happening because of B's actions, he needs to realise this, apologise to his brother, wife & parents & stop being so childish by ignoring their calls & emails

pebbles88

apeshape wrote: »

For the record, I'm not sibling B. I'm his friend from childhood.

Why are you involving yourself then? D