Selecting right date

catoutthebag

Yes guess you're right.

But I wonder why she bothered asking me when a) she recently broke up b) sounded regretful or having issues about not being able to move into another country. I think one or both of these may have affected her.

Seemed like she was going through the motions and just felt frustrated given I made an effort...like why be there when you don't want to?

Anyways onwards and upwards.

catoutthebag

Jackson_Boll0ck wrote: »

You just might not be her type. Did she know what you look like before you both met?

Yes as it's online and I have lots of recent and honest pictures .

Anyway. I'm just being sensitive and overly self analytical and critical. Which isn't healthy so I'll stop.

Nothing ventured nothing gained

Detroit

catoutthebag wrote: »

That's what we did . I would have been happy to go after first coffee, but out of politeness I suggested another which I thought she'd say no to but she said yes. Then we went for a walk and then she suggested another drink :eek:

Given she prolonged the date, it sounds as though she enjoyed your company more than you did hers.
Some people just don't come across as very positive or enthusiastic. Possibly they're shy, or just naturally aloof.
I know someone who gives off a constant air of being underwhelmed by social events, yet is the first to say what a great night she had afterwards. This may just be her personality, and certainly no reason for you to lose any confidence.

catoutthebag

Yes possibly.

You're right, I didn't enjoy her company. There was me trying, chatty etx, but I got a wall of: cold, not very conversational, aloof, not very warming, didn't seem interested in me, bored etc

Why did she stay further? Bored and going through motions, kill a few hours on a Saturday I think. So not sure if she liked my company especially as I ended up feeling distant and not at ease at the end.

Maybe she is shy and aloof, but given she's lived all over the uk, and another country and seemed very outgoing from bits she told me, I'm not sure that's the case.

I think you're right, some come across better than others.

To my original question: maybe I should call them once beforehand to gauge things as people often say I'm a pretty good judge of personality.

Plus, from my experience, though I know not always true, but if someone gives off a fun, chatty, friendly tone in texts it's normally mirrored in person (probably why I didn't follow up one of her messages in the week as I wasn't feeling it, but she later followed it up asking to meet... perhaps that's where the gut instinct should come from)

catoutthebag

A stem question; how would I excuse myself from leaving after a first drink or two if I felt no feeling?

People often tell me I'm a gentleman, polite etc, so I wouldn't know how. I don't want to hurt the feelings of others. I'm no heartbreaker.

FBaby

I don't really see the point in messaging backwards and forwards for a couple of weeks - if you both like what you see in each others' profiles, why not just meet straightaway? After all, IRL, you see someone you like and then just go out on a date, don't you?

I tried both and found that in the end, the right middle was best. When I met OH, we had emailed quite a few times and really built something from these messages We also spoke a couple of times on the phone and the conversation had flowed brilliantly. From this I was very convinced that we would be build a friendship, even if the rest didn't follow.

I had accepted by then that the lows were part of the whole process so didn't seek to avoid them, just made myself get up quickly afterwards.

A stem question; how would I excuse myself from leaving after a first drink or two if I felt no feeling?

This is why I rather have built some sort of rapport before meeting so that the chances that I was so bored I wanted to go after just 10 minutes was unlikely. I don't recall going on one date when I felt this way, I knew right away that I wouldn't want a second but managed to make the best of the company.

The only time I might have considered it is the vibes coming from the person was so strong that they also didn't want to be there, I would just say it 'would you agree that there is no point going on with the date'?

Detroit

catoutthebag wrote: »

A stem question; how would I excuse myself from leaving after a first drink or two if I felt no feeling?

People often tell me I'm a gentleman, polite etc, so I wouldn't know how. I don't want to hurt the feelings of others. I'm no heartbreaker.

In my opinion, you can't. Any excuse once on the date would be blatantly transparent, and may well hurt the other person, or at least knock their confidence.

Kim Kim gives good advice. Arrange a time limited activity, and make very clear before meeting that you'll need to leave at a given time (allow two hours, say) as you're meeting a friend, mom's in town, whatever. Then stick to it, even if you get on well. You can always get in touch with someone you like to apologise you had to rush, really enjoyed, can we do it again etc.

In my opinion texts are a poor indicator of people's real life personality. People often put a lot of effort into coming across as witty, having time to prepare their response in a way they can't in a face to face conversation, and they're a great cover for shyness.

As to a phone call first, this might help, but on my opinion is not the same as a face to face as a filter. People don't always come across naturally on the phone, and you still won't have seen them (assuming appearance matters).

So, to answer your original question, unless you want to take a more clinical and ruthless approach to this business, I think you may have to accept there'll be hours of your life you'll never get back.

I know someone who solves this dilemma by mentally giving a date an hour cut off point.
At the end of the hour they bluntly tell the person 'sorry, nice to meet you, but this isn't for me, and I don't want to waste your time'
They never give prime time (thursday-sunday evening) to a new person, and always meet close to their home. They have the inconvenience at a minimum.
Which is just as well, as they've been doing this for 4 years.......;)

missbiggles1

catoutthebag wrote: »

A stem question; how would I excuse myself from leaving after a first drink or two if I felt no feeling?

People often tell me I'm a gentleman, polite etc, so I wouldn't know how. I don't want to hurt the feelings of others. I'm no heartbreaker.

In the dim and distant past, I've excused myself and gone to the loo, making a swift exit by the side door.:o

Alikay

catoutthebag wrote: »

A stem question; how would I excuse myself from leaving after a first drink or two if I felt no feeling?

It's difficult once you're there...probably better to plan to keep it short in advance, such as meeting for coffee. Really though, it's only a couple of hours of mild awkwardness, and anyone can get through that in the same way you get through a boring film you've paid to see, or a dull dinner party.

Top_Girl

catoutthebag wrote: »

Yes possibly.

You're right, I didn't enjoy her company. There was me trying, chatty etx, but I got a wall of: cold, not very conversational, aloof, not very warming, didn't seem interested in me, bored etc

Why did she stay further? Bored and going through motions, kill a few hours on a Saturday I think. So not sure if she liked my company especially as I ended up feeling distant and not at ease at the end.

Maybe she is shy and aloof, but given she's lived all over the uk, and another country and seemed very outgoing from bits she told me, I'm not sure that's the case.

I think you're right, some come across better than others.

To my original question: maybe I should call them once beforehand to gauge things as people often say I'm a pretty good judge of personality.

Plus, from my experience, though I know not always true, but if someone gives off a fun, chatty, friendly tone in texts it's normally mirrored in person (probably why I didn't follow up one of her messages in the week as I wasn't feeling it, but she later followed it up asking to meet... perhaps that's where the gut instinct should come from)

This is all irrelevant and you're overthinking it, IMO.

Whatever her motives were for staying later, you're not interested so it's a moot point. You've lost a couple of hours and an extra drink, these things happen. You either date anyone you think there might be a spark with or you build a bit more of a connection, including a phone conversation pre-meet, and take it from there. Both have their good and bad points.