Selecting right date

catoutthebag

So just back from a first date. Feel bit low, deflated, frustrated and with doubts and questioning my own confidence.

We messaged back and forth a little for couple weeks and she seemed nice enough.

So I faced a couple of hours of me asking questions, being chatty and friendly as possible. She was quite serious, bit aloof, didn't ask me much back, and seemed that she just didn't want to be there. Or maybe disappointed with what she saw. She came across a bit awkward which made me a bit awkward as I often bounce off someone more chatty and bubbly.

I asked in a smiley way if she was shy etc and she said she can be shy or loud but more rarely.

So I picked up on couple things: she lived abroad and seemed she had pangs of missing it and said she'd go there in a second if it wasn't for family. And she came out of a rship 3 months ago compared to 18 with me, which struck me as quite soon, but everyone is different.

Despite this, we had a few drinks and spent couple hours together. I don't know why she didn't call it a day sooner. No point flogging a dead horse.

I've had good and fun dates with people, but this was a one of not many that didn't work.

My question is: do you have a self vetting process? Do you trust your gut? Do you get into a deflated slump after or how do you bounce back from something you didn't expect? I'm maybe a bit sensitive or over analytical and know there will be good and bad dates, so I want to try develop some sort of rejection coping strategies or just trusting my own instinct more .

Just venting a bit I guess as a bit disappointed

FBaby

Unfortunately, you don't realise how much you invest on all the efforts to go through the process of finding someone on-line, exchanging mails/calls, building something up quite promising, until you finally meet and when in only a few seconds, you realise it was all for nothing. Even when you go with no high expectations, consider the date as just fun, it's still a let down.

I went on many dates over years before I met the one. Some I didn't have much expectations, but still experienced that disappointment low afterwards. Some I really thought it could be it, so felt more wrecked afterwards, and indeed, as time went by, I felt less and less inclined to try again.

Still, perseverance paid off as I finally met my wonderful husband in the end. I knew before we met that we would get along well, what I had doubts about was whether there would be a spark. Unfortunately, if it's not there right away for me, I know it will never be. It was a wonderful surprise when the spark hit me very quickly and we had a wonderful time, but then we left each other quite abruptly, and I drove home convinced that he wasn't interested. The feeling of disappointment hit me like a brick so it was wonderful when by the time I opened my door, he had already texted me to tell me he'd had a great time and hoped we'd see each other again. It went extremely quickly after that, and 8 years later, I am as in love as I was then and so proud to be his wife.

I hope you have the same experience in your own time.

catoutthebag

Wonderfully put

Kim_kim

Maybe it would be better if you arranged to meet for something short, coffee, lunch, afternoon tea, a drink, then if there's no spark you've only had to endure an hour.

martinthebandit

As someone who used to do a fair bit of internet dating a good few years ago (now happily married to someone I met online in 2002) I agree with Kim Kim, afternoon coffee in town is ideal for a first date.

Or you could end up spending an evening with a posh bird in a pub (I could tell she was posh because her prison tattoos were spelt correctly)

missbiggles1

I don't really see the point in messaging backwards and forwards for a couple of weeks - if you both like what you see in each others' profiles, why not just meet straightaway? After all, IRL, you see someone you like and then just go out on a date, don't you?

catoutthebag

Kim_kim wrote: »

Maybe it would be better if you arranged to meet for something short, coffee, lunch, afternoon tea, a drink, then if there's no spark you've only had to endure an hour.

That's what we did . I would have been happy to go after first coffee, but out of politeness I suggested another which I thought she'd say no to but she said yes. Then we went for a walk and then she suggested another drink :eek:

catoutthebag

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't really see the point in messaging backwards and forwards for a couple of weeks - if you both like what you see in each others' profiles, why not just meet straightaway? After all, IRL, you see someone you like and then just go out on a date, don't you?

Well we didn't really constantly message . One a day if that. We matched only a couple weeks ago and she was away all last week. I'm not one for back and forth anyway

DUTR

catoutthebag wrote: »

That's what we did . I would have been happy to go after first coffee, but out of politeness I suggested another which I thought she'd say no to but she said yes. Then we went for a walk and then she suggested another drink :eek:

Did she pay for her own? Or was she freeloading?

catoutthebag

I paid for 1st and 3rd. She paid for 2nd. She didn't seem to be the type to 'freeload' as you put it.

Alikay

It's not a big deal - there was just no chemistry between you. If you'd met at a party or the pub, you'd have known instantly and not invested any more time or energy in each other. It's a downside of online dating...back when I was young and single, blind dates or friends "fixing you up" with someone tended to yield similar disappointments from time-to-time.

I don't think there's anything particular to learn from it, any "dos or don'ts" for next time, it's just one of those things. Plenty more pebbles on the beach/fish in the sea for both of you