So alone in life

Totallyscaredoflife

So I suppose I am here for a kick up the back side in the right direction!

Totallyscaredoflife

He has just always been lucky when it comes to money got on the property ladder at a young age thanks to his parents, had mates living with him paying towards mortgage and bills, never wanted for anything as parents always treated him. We come from different back grounds. He has always been proper lad fast cars, gadgets and mates around him!

Smodlet

He has no business commenting on your weight. How would he like it if you told him to wake up, smell the (decaf) coffee and grow up? He may earn OK money but it is not all his to spend as he wishes since he chose to have a family.

Yeah, since you said it, maybe you need to stand up to him and show him a spreadsheet of your income and outgoings, highlighting exactly how much his obsession with his own self-image is costing, if this is not an unreasonable assessment of the situation. We are getting only one side but that does not alter the fact that, if you spend more than you make, you get into debt. Unless it is all at 0%, you are wasting money you could be spending or saving by giving it away in interest.

In_Debt_Bet

Totallyscaredoflife wrote: »

So I suppose I am here for a kick up the back side in the right direction!

Personally I think its your husband that needs a kick up the backside.

My OH had a tendency to be a bit like that, if he called my name I'd quietly say to myself 'yes dear what have I done now' until one day I realised I deserved to be treated better and started to stand up for myself more when I knew he was wrong, our relationship isn't perfect but it's a lot better than it was and I also have more respect for myself now, it wasn't easy to do though.

Good luck x

bouncydog1

I'm afraid to say that your husband is a selfish bully, who has been spoilt! It is totally unreasonable of him to leave all of the budgeting to you whilst he spends to his hearts content. You are going to have to show him the figures. Can you get the bank statements out and highlight everything he has spent on himself over the last few months? There will probably be a huge row but it's his problem too. To me he sounds like a control freak insisting he comes shopping with you. You must stand up to him otherwise he will wear you down. Come on here for support as that is what you will get. Good luck.

Smodlet

It sounds as if your husband came from a privileged background and grew up with a sense of entitlement. You need to get the message across to him that no-one is entitled to anything they cannot pay for, including debt.

It also sounds a little as if you want people to "worry about you" more than you want to change your situation. I hope I am wrong in that assessment.

Why are you "terrified" of going shopping with him? Because you think he's going to spend money you don't have, or for some other reason? Why are you afraid of being blamed? Maybe some of the blame sits with you, what is he going to do about it? If he leaves the finances to you, you get into debt (with his credit cards, without his knowledge) and he finds out, maybe that explains why he feels the need to supervise your shopping. The trust has gone, on both sides, I would suggest. Why is it his house? Why is it not in joint names? I am hearing alarm bells; hope I am over-analysing the situation and do not need to.

Do the spreadsheet, bank statements, till receipts/invoices for luxuries like body-building nonsense (imho) thing; have that conversation and stand up for yourself. It has been said by far cleverer people than I (Dr. Phil, if anyone's interested), "you teach people how to treat you."

Stop behaving like a door mat if you don't want to be walked all over. Respect, like trust, has to be earned. Not standing up for yourself is not the way to earn it. Neither is getting in to debt and hiding it from your partner. The longer a pattern of behaviour is allowed to persist, the harder it is to do anything about it.

There is plenty of help out there if you need it, counselling, for instance. I am sure plenty of people have the requisite links at their finger tips as I have seen them on other threads, should you need them. I hope things work out well for you.

enthusiasticsaver

I think your husband has abdicated from financial responsibility which is unacceptable.

My OH was never great at accepting that money was tight so years ago I took the bull by the horns luckily before we got into unmanageable debt. You sound as if you are a bit further on and have debt already so you have two issues to deal with

The first and most important is to get your husband on board or you will be facing a lifetime of misery which is not fair. I also don't think your relationship is great if you are not pulling together on this. It is unacceptable to blame you for the debt if you are paying bills and childcare from a part time wage and he spends his salary on his hobbies.

The second issue you have is how to budget and manage money and it is not enough to tell him you can't afford to do certain things. You have to show him. Either do a spreadsheet or pen and paper and record all the monthly bills. Add up how much you normally spend on food, children and hobbies etc and put down in black and white how much debt you have. Then work out how much you can afford to pay off the debt each month so the dmp amount presumably?

I agree that you are doing yourself no favours by not insisting your OH stops spending like a spoilt child and lay down ultimatums. I told my OH that out of our joint income (we had joint accounts even when I was a SAHM and then worked part time) he would have a certain amount of personal spending money, I had the same and we used child benefit for the children. That got higher as we got older and money was less tight. Initially it was just something like £10 per week though when we were on just one salary. Having children is something you both signed up to so childcare costs are not just down to you. It is your house too by the way. If you are married and have children you have rights.

enthusiasticsaver

I would agree your husband is a bully and blame for your weight issues is unkind. He sounds like he has completely destroyed your confidence not helped by the fact you have little family support. I would suggest you get some counselling too. Maybe a gp referral?

kazwookie

Totallyscaredoflife wrote: »

.................
I want to be able to speak to my husband and not be scared that I'm going to get blamed. Any arguments I get blamed. Everything is my fault! Everything! He does no wrong! He can't see how I feel about things and talking to him about stressful things just does not work. On the whole our relationship is good our family is good but anything to do with money organisation of the house or my weight is an issue and no go area as he is always right.

I used to feel like this, (Ok I had no debts) I got the blame for any thing and everything, so in the end I kicked the ex into touch!! the best thing I ever did.

And I have never looked back.

YOU need to tell him about the money situation etc, and then together work out what to do................................

If he won't work together, I suggest (drastic I know) but you get out away from him............

Mojisola

Totallyscaredoflife wrote: »

I'm sick of it. I want a nice house, and I want to make memories.

I want stability and not a sick feeling every time I think of money.

I want to be able to speak to my husband and not be scared that I'm going to get blamed. Any arguments I get blamed. Everything is my fault! Everything!

He does no wrong! He can't see how I feel about things and talking to him about stressful things just does not work.

Anyone who feels like this ^ is not in a 'good relationship'!

On the whole our relationship is good our family is good but anything to do with money organisation of the house or my weight is an issue and no go area as he is always right.

.............................