Travelling with sister who earns more than me

Ancel

I have had the same thing with my sister. It really bothered for some time, but then I have decided to tell her the truth about this. We have talked it through. It even has made us closer than we used to be.
As for you, I think you may need to observe for a bit longer on how she will behave. I get a feeling as if she is bragging about her income. That is why you must be straight with her.

Primrose

Have a friendly but frank discussion before you set off on your travels about your budget limits and flag up your boundaries well in advance. Tell your sister how important this trip is for you but you still can't afford to go into debt so you hope she will understand if there are some excursions or experiences you may have to pull back from.

She can then treat you or adjust her schedule accordingly. You can't change the fact that she is wealthier than you. You both have to take some responsibility for trying to deal with it in a manner which doesn't spoil your trip.

Mojisola

jojeba wrote: »

I meant she said "oh I have xx amount to spend a day [a large amount] but that is way more than I'm gonna need".

So why didn't you respond - "I've set aside £x per day so that's my limit."

ecgirl07

As suggested run a kitty for all communal eating, from expensive dinners to coffees. That way you are paying equally and not totting up who treated who!

hazyjo

People tend to live within their means. I earn more than just my sis' wage, but then she has a partner who works and provides for them (3 kids) and they spend far more on crap than I ever would, waste a lot of stuff, and eat takeaways quite often and he drinks like a fish indoors and at the pub (and has golfing holidays each year). We actually live quite carefully. She may think I have far more money as we have a couple of holidays a year and I go out and she never does, but she prob has at least another £30-40k coming in every year! I probably would pay for coffees if we were out, but then she would want to too - we're both quite generous and wouldn't split the bill. Maybe for food. tbh, I can't imagine ever going out with just her though, let alone on holiday lol


Jx

TBagpuss

On apractical level, I think you ned to speak to her before you leave, to say to her "I've got £xx to sped per day - that is my limit, I can't afford to go over that - ypou mentioend that you were going to allow yourself mor eper day than you think you will need, so I wanted to make sure that you know I don't have any surplus and won't be able to go over my daily budget"

And if she suggests somethin which you can't sfford, be prepared to say "I can't afford that" depending on what it is, you could then say "if it's something you really wnat to do, we could split up for today / this afternoon so that you can do that" or "I'd love to, but I can't afford it - do you want to go by yourself, in which case I will [do whatever you originally planned] or if you're happy to cover the costs, I'd love for us to do this together"

If you feel that you've done all the work and are not getting any thinaks then I think you need to deal with that before you go, so it isn't festering. Depending on your feelings and how you feel she may react, this could be deciding for yourself that you are going to treat that as water under the bridge, and that another time you will not volunteer, or it could be (depending on your relationship) that you actually talk to her about how you feel.

I am an advocate of talking, but you know yor sister best. If you do decide to talk to her, try to make it about how you feel, not about what she has done (or not done)
e.f "When you mentioned about budgeting more than you would need, I felt upset as I am strtching myself to the limit, financially, for this trip, and I felt as if you were rubbing my nose in the fact you earn more than me" rather than "You always rub my nose in the fact you earn more than me. "

"I felt unappreciated as I did so much planning. I felt that you didn't really acknowledge how much work was involved. I would have liked it if ou'd said something, or offered to take me out for dinner one night as a thank you" not "I did all this work and you haven't even acknowledged it or offered to pay for meal as a thank you"

It can also be worth lookign at the positives - your sister wants to spend time with you, she trusts you a lot to let you make allathe arrangements etc.

KiKi

jojeba wrote: »

To be honest, this trip is important to us both, but it IS really straining my finances - but I've always been a "life is short, this is family, let's do it right or not at all" sort of person and am happy to be generous even when I don't have much.

The thing is, if you're generous even though you don't have much (which is lovely!), many people won't realise that you're at the limits of what you can afford. Also, so many people say "I've got no money at the moment" when actually they have more than enough, so it may be that she genuinely doesn't appreciate your situation, particularly as she lives away from you.

My sister doesn't really share that view - I'd sooner pick up the bill for dinner before she would.

That's just a values thing, I guess. And you won't always share the same values, so I'm sorry to say that's a "get over it" moment! That, or she doesn't have as much as you think / she suggests. Stop offering to pay or you WILL resent it.

Suddenly I find myself resentful, which I wouldn't do with friends who earn more.

That's definitely a family thing! A "which kid has done the best" thing! (In your eyes, though, probably not anyone else's.) I'm the same with my sister (I earn more) - I will treat her, however, she has made life choices that I wouldn't have, and her lack of money is partially as a result of that, so I don't feel I should pay all the time just because I'm very well off in comparison. (I do feel that way about friends as well, though.)

She told me the amount she has to spend per day is way more than she needs while I'm quietly calculating things against my budget. I hate being like this and am ashamed that I'm suddenly getting annoyed that my sister won't be more generous. Maybe it's a family thing? I've been open about my financial limitations yet we're not close enough to really be honest about what's bothering me. None of this is her fault, but clearly a difference in attitude. Have you ever dealt with financial disparity with siblings, esp ones you're travelling with? How did you deal with it?

The generosity thing really is something you'll need to get over and put aside - I have no idea how you do that, but you need to make a choice to, otherwise you will stew on it and your holiday will not be what you want it to!

She may not be ungenerous, it may just not occur to her - and you haven't spent time with her for ages, so maybe she'll surprise you. Or maybe she's actually living on a lot of credit. Or maybe she chooses other things in life - she may earn more than you, but she may also have put herself in a position to be well enough by making some great life choices, and living frugally elsewhere. Or maybe she is just much richer than you, end of.

I think you can help things by telling her how you feel. You don't need to say you feel resentful, I don't think that's helpful! But you could reiterate your financial limitations (she might not have really taken it in before): "from our planning I can see that you seem to have a lot more spending money than me, so I'm letting you know now that I won't be able to afford all the things that you might be able to." And I do think you should say how you feel about what she said...but I'd make a joke of it with her. If she says something like that again, perhaps just jokingly say "alright, no need to rub it in, just because you've got more money than me!" and see how she reacts. She probably has absolutely no idea!

I also like what FBaby said here: "The thing is, if indeed she's been more careful with her money and that's why she can afford more, but feel your resentment for it when she thinks you don't as much because you've been less savvy with yours, then I can't see things going well as she understandably might end up quite resentful back." You've already said you're a "do it all or not at all" person, so maybe you've spent yours on experiences, and she's been saving for this one experience, so wants to spend her money on herself! It's just different approaches.

If you really feel you need to help yourself deal with it, look for the positives in your life instead, and think about what you have as a person. There are lots of people who'd give anything to have a sibling to go on holiday with, to be close to their sister, or to even have one. You've got one who wants to spend time with you, who wants to holiday with you, and have that one great trip with you, and trusts you enough to let you plan it all because she's no good at that stuff. That means more than the treat of a grand vanilla soya latte ever could.