Travelling with sister who earns more than me

jojeba

My sister lives abroad and we don't see a lot of each other but she's come over to do some travelling in Europe. She's staying with me for a few days and then we're doing a sister's trip through Italy. It's a trip we talked about for a long time and it will be a chance to get closer, so we def want to make the most of it. She hates planning so I've happily organised the whole trip. But now she's over I realise she has way more disaposable income than I do. I knew she earned more and I thought nothing of it. But I'm finding myself becoming a little resentful...

To be honest, this trip is important to us both, but it IS really straining my finances - but I've always been a "life is short, this is family, let's do it right or not at all" sort of person and am happy to be generous even when I don't have much. My sister doesn't really share that view - I'd sooner pick up the bill for dinner before she would. Suddenly I find myself resentful, which I wouldn't do with friends who earn more. She told me the amount she has to spend per day is way more than she needs while I'm quietly calculating things against my budget. I hate being like this and am ashamed that I'm suddenly getting annoyed that my sister won't be more generous. Maybe it's a family thing? I've been open about my financial limitations yet we're not close enough to really be honest about what's bothering me. None of this is her fault, but clearly a difference in attitude. Have you ever dealt with financial disparity with siblings, esp ones you're travelling with? How did you deal with it?

missbiggles1

jojeba wrote: »

My sister lives abroad and we don't see a lot of each other but she's come over to do some travelling in Europe. She's staying with me for a few days and then we're doing a sister's trip through Italy. It's a trip we talked about for a long time and it will be a chance to get closer, so we def want to make the most of it. She hates planning so I've happily organised the whole trip. But now she's over I realise she has way more disaposable income than I do. I knew she earned more and I thought nothing of it. But I'm finding myself becoming a little resentful...

To be honest, this trip is important to us both, but it IS really straining my finances - but I've always been a "life is short, this is family, let's do it right or not at all" sort of person and am happy to be generous even when I don't have much. My sister doesn't really share that view - I'd sooner pick up the bill for dinner before she would. Suddenly I find myself resentful, which I wouldn't do with friends who earn more. She told me the amount she has to spend per day is way more than she needs while I'm quietly calculating things against my budget. I hate being like this and am ashamed that I'm suddenly getting annoyed that my sister won't be more generous. Maybe it's a family thing? I've been open about my financial limitations yet we're not close enough to really be honest about what's bothering me. None of this is her fault, but clearly a difference in attitude. Have you ever dealt with financial disparity with siblings, esp ones you're travelling with? How did you deal with it?

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused. On one hand you're saying that she's allowed a daily amount that's more than she needs and, on the other, you're saying she's tight. How do you reconcile the two?

Detroit

It seems that for different reasons, you both want to keep an eye on finances on this trip. You because of your budget, your sister because she doesn't like spending.
This gives you a common starting point. If it was me, I'd have a conversation with her before the trip where you agree the type of budget you'll be working to, given you don't want to go over the top, and Italy can be very expensive etc, and decide within this what you'll be doing and spending on together while you're there.
Obviously any extra spending she wants to do on shopping and so on will be up to her, but the spending effecting you both, such as restaurant budget, trips and entrance fees could be agreed beforehand. This will avoid any awkwardness caused by one person suggesting something the other can't afford or doesn't want to spend on.
I'd also do some research on 'Italy on a budget' and put forward suggestions for good value things to do and eating options.
I'd be careful to avoid spending you're not comfortable with. You'll only regret it, and it may put you off doing something like this again with your sister, which would be a shame.
Hope it works out and you have a great trip.

jojeba

To missbiggles: Sorry, I'm not being clear am I. I meant she said "oh I have xx amount to spend a day [a large amount] but that is way more than I'm gonna need". I wish she wouldn't say things like that because then I find my inner child thinking, "so couldn't you at least shout me a coffee?" Because from my side, I would shout her coffees left right and centre, (for instance). But this is not so much about her being "tight" - because her money is her business, regardless how I like to share mine - It's how to deal with feelings or resentment or disparity in finances when you have a sibling who is more well off than you. I don't like feeling this way and wondered if anyone else has experienced something similar.

missbiggles1

jojeba wrote: »

To missbiggles: Sorry, I'm not being clear am I. I meant she said "oh I have xx amount to spend a day [a large amount] but that is way more than I'm gonna need". I wish she wouldn't say things like that because then I find my inner child thinking, "so couldn't you at least shout me a coffee?" Because from my side, I would shout her coffees left right and centre, (for instance). But this is not so much about her being "tight" - because her money is her business, regardless how I like to share mine - It's how to deal with feelings or resentment or disparity in finances when you have a sibling who is more well off than you. I don't like feeling this way and wondered if anyone else has experienced something similar.

It seems to me to be simpler just to pay for what you have then you can stick to your own budget and preferences.
As for the rest, I'm an only child so will step away.

PeacefulWaters

jojeba wrote: »

To missbiggles: Sorry, I'm not being clear am I. I meant she said "oh I have xx amount to spend a day [a large amount] but that is way more than I'm gonna need". I wish she wouldn't say things like that because then I find my inner child thinking, "so couldn't you at least shout me a coffee?" Because from my side, I would shout her coffees left right and centre, (for instance). But this is not so much about her being "tight" - because her money is her business, regardless how I like to share mine - It's how to deal with feelings or resentment or disparity in finances when you have a sibling who is more well off than you. I don't like feeling this way and wondered if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I'd get counselling.

You have your budget. Stick to it.

Detroit

Ah, so it's less about practicality managing this, and more about how it makes you feel? I get that, and understand this is difficult to deal with. If you are a generous person, it can be very hard to tolerate a lack of this in others.
I doubt they'll be anything you can do to encourage your sister to be generous, so you may have to just accept that within everything you love about her, she has this trait that annoys you.
You may need to resign yourself to this, don't expect anything different from her, and focus on the positives about the trip and her company.
No relative or friend is perfect, and it's often just a case of remembering that the good in the person out weighs the bad.

duchy

If you wouldn't feel this way about friends who earn more being tactless about your differences in resources then it isn't really to do about money but is more to do with your sibling relationship.

Really you need to get your head around it before you go or you'll spoil your own trip if you are a seething mass of resentment inside whilst you are away even if you conceal it from her.

You probably need to be honest with her and tell her what your daily budget is too......and discuss how that can be achieved and how it will work if she wants to do things outside your budget in advance. If you have any expectations that she should carry more of the burden because she has more money then the time to air that thought is now not mid trip rather than assume you know how she will react.

No point in spoiling a long planned much anticipated trip because of poor communication. If you know your finances are unequal presumably so does she.

Forget for a moment that she is your sister and think how you would approach this situation if she was a friend instead.

Pollycat

jojeba wrote: »

To missbiggles: Sorry, I'm not being clear am I. I meant she said "oh I have xx amount to spend a day [a large amount] but that is way more than I'm gonna need". I wish she wouldn't say things like that because then I find my inner child thinking, "so couldn't you at least shout me a coffee?" Because from my side, I would shout her coffees left right and centre, (for instance). But this is not so much about her being "tight" - because her money is her business, regardless how I like to share mine - It's how to deal with feelings or resentment or disparity in finances when you have a sibling who is more well off than you. I don't like feeling this way and wondered if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I don't want to rain on your parade but I'm not convinced that your trip will go as smoothly as you hope - but I hope I'm wrong.

I have a lot more money than my sister and always have had (better job, no kids) but I do like to treat her.
I'll pay the train fares and buy lunch and she'll offer to pay the tip (which I always decline but think it's nice that she offers).

I would have suggested a kitty for your trip to pay for food, drinks, local travel, entrance fees etc but that may cause you more resentment if you're having a basic pasta dish & a soft drink and she's ordered saltimbocca & a large glass of wine.

It worked for me and my sister when we went to New York although I did pay for extras such as a more expensive meal on our last night and a helicopter trip.

We used to go on holiday in a caravan - just me, her & her 2 kids - and I always bought a lot of food in advance and then we had a kitty that paid for bus fares, more food, drinks out etc.
She always tried to put more into the kitty as she said I was 'only one' and she was 'one and 2 halves' :rotfl:but I insisted on equal shares.

Kynthia

You feel she should treat you and pay for some extras because she has more money than you, yet it doesn't occur to her to do so which causes you resentment. Yet you wish you didn't feel this way and you wouldn't with a friend? I'm not sure anyone can help as even you being aware of it can't change your feelings.

Stop treating her if she's not treating you back. Keep things very equal and pay 50:50 or just your shares. Be honest up front about expectations and concerns regarding the trip and it's budget as communication is the best way to avoid bad feeling on the trip.

milliemonster

How do you know she won't treat you to a coffee while you're away? It's usually one of those spontaneous things that would just happen I would have thought without any preplanning, I'm naturally a tight person where money is involved (maybe it's the yorkshire in me) and if I'm out with friends I'm usually the one who gets irked if bills arent split equally etc, even though I have a good job and a fairly large disposable income now, I can wholly understand how that would !!!! people off but I can't help the way I am and it doesn't mean that I don't value my friends company and I give to them in other ways.

I'm sure your sister cares for you enormously, it's a precious thing to be spending this time together, but you both clearly have different views on how you approach money, that's fine, accept it and don't let it become a wedge between you, if you want to be generous then do so, but do it without expecting it on return, allow your sister to 'treat' you in other ways that don't involve money if that's not her bag