The value of time: do we take it for granted?

onlyroz

marisco wrote: »

Unfortunately no. It has been my experience that with time brings more pain and a regret at not having walked away at the earliest possible opportunity. Very few leopards change their spots and your initial intuition about someone is normally correct. Lots of people would suffer less if they trusted theirs and acted on it. That said I am very glad for you that things have worked out well

I don't think you should maintain a truly toxic relationship but I do think that many problems can be worked out. I'm not sure that just ignoring the problem and waiting it out ever really works but it does help to calmly discuss any issues and to decide on which things can be compromised on from both sides.

I've just had to listen to hours of my mum moaning about my aunt, who is staying with her at the moment. Yet she never actually says anything to my aunt about the annoying things she does (my aunt is very domineering and tends to steamroller her way through conversations without paying attention to a single thing that others are saying). If you don't ever tell people that they have faults how can you ever expect them to change?

divadee

As I'm getting older I am realising I don't want to make time for people who are toxic and only out for themselves. I have cut off a family member who tried to destroy my relationship for reasons only known to herself. My mum is the most forgiving person and doesn't like any conflict and when she heard what the family member had done has given me her blessing (a very very unusual occurance) to not have anything to do with this person.

It's not that I'm impatient now. It's just that I would rather have true friends around me and not make time for 'friends' who are only out for themselves.

FBaby

As I'm getting older I am realising I don't want to make time for people who are toxic and only out for themselves.

But that's the thing, when you feel wronged, you assume the other person is at fault and toxic, so it seems easier to just push them away from your life.

What I've learnt from my own experience with my step mum is that things move on and whereas I thought she was as toxic as it can get when I was younger, I now realise that people change as are interpretation of previous situations.

There are so many posts from people who seem to have so few friends and/or have broken ties with family and I wonder how often this is over silly arguments leading to conflicts which then take a totally disproportional proportion leading to estrangement, when I do think that ignoring these issues can then easily resolves itself.

Another example that came to mind. When we decided to live together, OH and I agreed that I would move to his house (more me pushing it this way than him). One day, his parents came into the house with their own key totally matter of fact about it. I felt totally invaded by this and couldn't believe the cheek of it. My parents would never have dared to do that, and neither would I at their house. I so wanted to say something about it, even politely. In the end, I decided not to because I knew his parents would take it as an insult, however much I said it politely (which would inevitably have come out as 'it's now my house and I therefore expect you to do as I say). I did discuss it with OH and he did say that he understood how I felt but it had always been normal practice in his family, so they didn't mean any harm by it. Indeed, to be fair, they also gave me a key to their house and said I could come in whenever.

Anyway, I kept quiet about it, and sure enough, gradually, as I myself always made sure that I knocked on their door before going in, and mentioned I would feel comfortable just walking in, they got the hint and they never did it again. They now always knock on the door and even almost always call before popping in.

I'm glad I just let time deal with the matter rather than turning it in a unpleasant confrontation.

divadee

FBaby wrote: »

But that's the thing, when you feel wronged, you assume the other person is at fault and toxic, so it seems easier to just push them away from your life.

What I've learnt from my own experience with my step mum is that things move on and whereas I thought she was as toxic as it can get when I was younger, I now realise that people change as are interpretation of previous situations.

There are so many posts from people who seem to have so few friends and/or have broken ties with family and I wonder how often this is over silly arguments leading to conflicts which then take a totally disproportional proportion leading to estrangement, when I do think that ignoring these issues can then easily resolves itself.

Another example that came to mind. When we decided to live together, OH and I agreed that I would move to his house (more me pushing it this way than him). One day, his parents came into the house with their own key totally matter of fact about it. I felt totally invaded by this and couldn't believe the cheek of it. My parents would never have dared to do that, and neither would I at their house. I so wanted to say something about it, even politely. In the end, I decided not to because I knew his parents would take it as an insult, however much I said it politely (which would inevitably have come out as 'it's now my house and I therefore expect you to do as I say). I did discuss it with OH and he did say that he understood how I felt but it had always been normal practice in his family, so they didn't mean any harm by it. Indeed, to be fair, they also gave me a key to their house and said I could come in whenever.

Anyway, I kept quiet about it, and sure enough, gradually, as I myself always made sure that I knocked on their door before going in, and mentioned I would feel comfortable just walking in, they got the hint and they never did it again. They now always knock on the door and even almost always call before popping in.

I'm glad I just let time deal with the matter rather than turning it in a unpleasant confrontation.

I have given said person two chances in life. She is only in it for themselves. She believes what she wants to believe and always thinks she is right. People in glass houses was a phrase invented for this person.

I believe quality in friendship not quantity and now I'm hitting 40 I am surrounding myself with true, honest, loving and caring people.

NewShadow

I think that's the thing.

With some people - why bother working on making things better?

I haven't spoken to my maternal grandmother in over 15 years - she is a bitter, angry and bullying woman who resents other people making choices she feels she can't, and drove her daughter (my mother) to anorexia and attempted suicide at 16.

At the grand age of 14 I decided a blood connection and large inheritance (which was always dangled in front of me) wasn't worth sacrificing who I was for.

I haven't lost anything by cutting that tie.

I have a (very) few valued friends - people who truly deserve that title - for whom I would move heaven and earth if they needed me to.

Blood may be thicker than water, but toxic people need victims, and I'm not a victim anymore.

pipkin71

Jagraf wrote: »

I can also look back and understand how quickly time passes based on how quickly children grow up.


Time is very valuable and precious.

I can relate to this as my children are older now. I do miss some of the things we used to do but then enjoy some of the things we can do now.

Looking back I feel very fortunate that I was able to spend as much time with them as I did while they were growing up as that does naturally change when they become adults 😊