The value of time: do we take it for granted?

FBaby

I guess, the question for me would be, would your relationship with your step-mum be as strong now if you hadn't avoided her for so long?

I really don't know, I just find myself wondering how we could have felt so strongly about each other, making each other so unhappy when being a bit more mature about it all has made us feel so differently.

I do agree that sometimes it is exactly the opposite, people use time to avoid facing issues and it takes them nowhere. I guess it's finding the right balance, but sometimes I wonder how much we let 'little things' get us down when it really doesn't matter much.

I think it is more common an issue with our children, when we sometimes torture ourselves about things that happens in their lives, where we feel we have to get involved to resolve, when in many circumstances, doing nothing but keep a watchful eye would have sufficed!

Jagraf

Also another thought, many 'threats' and circumstances change with the passage of time. People who could and did have a strong influence on someone else's life gets less, or at least changes, as time goes by.

onlyroz

FBaby wrote: »

Have you ever experienced a bad relationship, with a family or lover, and with time (and effort) managed to turn it around and make it successful, feeling grateful that you didn't walk away from it?

A few years ago my husband and I had a bad time of it and I seriously considered walking away. I think the main problem was that I just didn't understand him, or appreciate the reasons for why he behaves the way he does (without going into too much detail he is a depressive, despises his job, and never had a good relationship with his parents - one of which is now dead and the other has Alzheimers and doesn't know he exists).

We have now become much closer than we ever were before. There are still problems - he still hates his job, still wakes up every night with panic attacks, and I still get stressed over having to treat him more like a son than a husband, but I'm now certain that I wouldn't want to be with anybody else in the world.

The key to a good relationship is to communicate. Don't brood or go into sulks, don't make assumptions about why people act in particular ways, and try to see your grievances from both sides. And talk. Then talk some more.

G3.

onlyroz wrote: »

A few years ago my husband and I had a bad time of it and I seriously considered walking away. I think the main problem was that I just didn't understand him, or appreciate the reasons for why he behaves the way he does (without going into too much detail he is a depressive, despises his job, and never had a good relationship with his parents - one of which is now dead and the other has Alzheimers and doesn't know he exists).

We have now become much closer than we ever were before. There are still problems - he still hates his job, still wakes up every night with panic attacks, and I still get stressed over having to treat him more like a son than a husband, but I'm now certain that I wouldn't want to be with anybody else in the world.

The key to a good relationship is to communicate. Don't brood or go into sulks, don't make assumptions about why people act in particular ways, and try to see your grievances from both sides. And talk. Then talk some more.

If you've got such a well paid and important job why not let him stay home and look after the house and kids, seeing as he hates his job so much. Bit role reversal but it works for some.

TBagpuss

I'm not sure that just allowing time is always a good idea - it can be healthier to express yourself rather than 'endure' and feel long term resentment.

Equally, time apart (which it sounds as though you and your step-mum had) can enable you to then start fresh with a new relationship, rather than getting stuck in the old one including all its faults.

I don't think that there are many big issues which just get better with time, I think normally it needs time and work - as onlyroz says , communication is important (and that will often mean communicating why you are unhappy,) but I think the other big thing which is needed is for both parties involved to be willing to move on, and to change / compromise.

Ancel

Oh, time flies fast. I used to think that some things would stay forever. However, life turned out to be different. Therefore, I know now how precious can be moments with people you love. I never even thought that this might be my last conversation with some people. The thing is that people die and it can happen so soon and unexpected.
We have to appreciate every day that we get to spend with them and make the most of the time we have.

FBaby

I'm not sure that just allowing time is always a good idea - it can be healthier to express yourself rather than 'endure' and feel long term resentment.

I totally agree that it isn't always a good idea and communication is without a doubt always the preferable option. However, reading threads here and taken from my real life experience, it does seem that we spend a lot of time getting annoyed, frustrated, belligerent about things we feel we need to make an issue of when giving it a bit of time, would disappear of its own.

They can be small things, or they can be bigger long term things. What triggered my post was reading an email from my step-mother reminding me to wish my mum a happy birthday (not that i would forget), but so meaningful coming from her. Considering that once upon a time, she would hear of my mother, considered her the enemy, it just seem mad to have gone through years of upset for nothing.

I suppose the problem is that we just can't see what the future holds.

thorsoak

I'm now very nearly 73 - I cannot really believe this, but this time next week I shall have my 73rd birthday. I certainly don't feel this age - but I do know that now, I tolerate rude people, inconsiderate people or lazy people far less than I did when I was younger.

I don't have enough time left to deal with rubbish!

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

Have you ever experienced a bad relationship, with a family or lover, and with time (and effort) managed to turn it around and make it successful, feeling grateful that you didn't walk away from it?

Unfortunately no. It has been my experience that with time brings more pain and a regret at not having walked away at the earliest possible opportunity. Very few leopards change their spots and your initial intuition about someone is normally correct. Lots of people would suffer less if they trusted theirs and acted on it. That said I am very glad for you that things have worked out well

onlyroz

G3. wrote: »

If you've got such a well paid and important job why not let him stay home and look after the house and kids, seeing as he hates his job so much. Bit role reversal but it works for some.

I know you are trolling and trying to get a reaction but one of the reasons I am happier is because we have a more equitable split of household duties. And we are hoping that he will be able to take early retirement in a few years.