Do you think it's appropriate for a married man to buy a single woman gifts?

NBLondon

duchy wrote: »

Of course the OP may meet Ann and discover she's not interested in her husband at all

ermm the OP is a colleague of the possibly-cheated-on (about-to-be-cheated-on) wife not the actual wife.


But the point is useful. Peter - has Kay met Ann? Have you? Are there any other mutual connections who could find out if the attention is wanted/welcomed/reciprocated or not?

Pollycat

gabriel1980 wrote: »

Sounds pretty clear that he is either already sleeping with her or planning to, and that previous women he gave a lift home to - definitely slept with her.

bluelass wrote: »

I think ANN is a lover not just a friend.
And he says she is a poor single mum I would be happy to bet he is giving her money to live on too.

I think it's odd too - but I also think these 2 posters ^^^^ have taken a bit of a leap.

My OH is friendly with an ex-colleague who he has lunch with every 6 weeks or so.
We sometimes take a small gift back from holiday e.g. olive oil or tapenade but only when we're buying some for ourselves.
I wouldn't be very happy if he wanted to spend half a day of the holiday looking for a gift for her.

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

All of that sounds like it was totally your ex's fault, to be honest. She didn't force him into bed, no matter how much she fancied him. Its easier to blame the 'other woman' sometimes but its the men who decide to sleep with them.

Oh they were both to blame although I disagree with your assertion that a single woman who chases after a married man is blameless. To me that's skankiness of a particular type but he genuinely was clueless about how manipulative she was and genuinely believed her nonsense that she wasn't interested in a full relationship and it was a friends with benefits relationship after I threw him out (as much for his stupidity and lack of taste as his unfaithfulness). It was only after he got with his new partner he realised how deceptive she had being (despite others as well as me warning him.....including her friends)

It is a bit odd that you think "men decide to sleep with them" as if women have no part in the decision making process but are available to any man who fancies a shag though. Your world clearly is very different to mine.

duchy

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I think in these circumstances the man's behaviour is very odd. I struggle to believe there are no romantic feelings involved.

It sounds more like a crush ....but that doesn't mean it isn't damaging.

Lily-Rose_3

Person_one wrote: »

All of that sounds like it was totally your ex's fault, to be honest. She didn't force him into bed, no matter how much she fancied him. Its easier to blame the 'other woman' sometimes but its the men who decide to sleep with them.

duchy wrote: »

Oh they were both to blame although I disagree with your assertion that a single woman who chases after a married man is blameless. To me that's skankiness of a particular type but he genuinely was clueless about how manipulative she was and genuinely believed her nonsense that she wasn't interested in a full relationship and it was a friends with benefits relationship after I threw him out (as much for his stupidity and lack of taste as his unfaithfulness). It was only after he got with his new partner he realised how deceptive she had being (despite others as well as me warning him.....including her friends)

It is a bit odd that you think "men decide to sleep with them" as if women have no part in the decision making process but are available to any man who fancies a shag though. Your world clearly is very different to mine.

I have to agree with Person One. Come on Duchy, surely no-one can be that naive? You're basically making one excuse after another for the appalling behaviour of your ex. Apparently this woman's wily ways and her irresistible charms, along with his beer goggles, made the poor innocent little man accidentally sleep with the sly, manipulative 'other woman.' He was clueless and didn't know what she was like, so it's not really his fault... is it?!

Fact is, he was as much to blame as her; more probably, as he was in a relationship. Wives always blame the other woman, and paint her as the evil one who tried to steal her husband, when the husband knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Plus, he is the one with the wife (and sometimes children.) Making him more in the wrong than the other woman.

The fact is that a man who has an affair is a lame and weak individual who wants to have his cake and eat it, and blames everyone else but himself when he plays away. 'Oh I wasn't getting enough attention from wifey,' 'I was bored in my relationship,' 'the girl I cheated with chased me; I couldn't resist,' 'it's not my fault.'

And when the wife chooses to blame the other woman too, (because it's easier than admitting that her husband is a weak, lying toad,) that gives him a few get-out-of-jail free cards. 'Great, I managed to have a crafty affair, and come out of it unscathed!!!'

The fact is, when wives let an affair go, and let the other woman take the blame, he has effectively got away with it, come away unscathed, and is the only one not hurt by it all. Because you can bet in most cases, not only will the wife be upset and devastated, but the other woman too, as he will have probably promised her the earth. I don't believe a word that comes out of any cheating man's mouth when he says the other woman did all the chasing; it's almost always 50-50. HE will be as responsible as her for the affair.

Re the OP; I would be very concerned and I would be telling him so. This behaviour is not normal. Off on a romantic break, and he's buying gifts for the woman at work! However, the fact that he is doing everything in front of the wife tells me there's nothing going on. Still, it's unacceptable behaviour and could lead to something more, if the woman at work is interested in him.

He sounds like a proper ladies man; no wonder women are interested in him and develop crushes. Some women - especially if they are a bit lonely and devoid of male attention - will find a man flirting with her, and buying her gifts, quite flattering.

I am actually concerned about his reactions when his wife speaks to other men too. He sounds very passive aggressive and controlling to me. I know the wife said it was off the table to behave the same, but I think she should; give him a taste of his own medicine. Start flirting around men, and behaving like he does.

ManofLeisure_2

Lily-Rose wrote: »

However, the fact that he is doing everything in front of the wife tells me there's nothing going on.
.

You sound very trusting:).

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

Oh they were both to blame although I disagree with your assertion that a single woman who chases after a married man is blameless. To me that's skankiness of a particular type but he genuinely was clueless about how manipulative she was and genuinely believed her nonsense that she wasn't interested in a full relationship and it was a friends with benefits relationship after I threw him out (as much for his stupidity and lack of taste as his unfaithfulness). It was only after he got with his new partner he realised how deceptive she had being (despite others as well as me warning him.....including her friends)

It is a bit odd that you think "men decide to sleep with them" as if women have no part in the decision making process but are available to any man who fancies a shag though. Your world clearly is very different to mine.

I don't think women who pursue married men are blameless, I think its a really poor way to behave, but they are still only responsible for their own behaviour. The men who cheat with them are 100% responsible for their decision to do so, nobody forces them.

I have no idea how you got the bolded from what I wrote.

candygirl

Had to laugh at the matchmakers bit! My ex used to buy me them back in the 80s!:D
AS for the entire situation, imo it seems super odd, no matter how hard she "works!":eek:

bluelass

All this is so strange (well to me anyway).
If I was wed to this sly man (and I use that term loosely) I would be packing my stuff then pressing for adultery.
The things that stick out to me are the former colleague saying they had a fling and why should any man or women spend half a day looking for a present?. Heck it only takes me an hour to choose Christmas presents for close family.
Maybe this his a way of telling his wife he is seeing someone else?
He sounds a right douche and his wife needs to woman up and respect herself and tell him to pack it in or she will see a family solicitor. His response to that she give her an indication of how to proceed.

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think women who pursue married men are blameless, I think its a really poor way to behave, but they are still only responsible for their own behaviour. The men who cheat with them are 100% responsible for their decision to do so, nobody forces them.

I have no idea how you got the bolded from what I wrote.

Surely both are 100% responsible for their own behaviour.

There was a post a few weeks ago where a man was getting slagged off but his single "bit on the side" was described as doing nothing wrong as she was single (despite knowing he was married).

I sometimes wonder if women who behave this way still say "but she's single so it's not her fault and it was fine for her to shag my husband " when their eventual husbands cheat on them in the future....or if they are less tolerant when it's someone other than themselves doing it.