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Do you think it's appropriate for a married man to buy a single woman gifts?
Peter333
Posts: 2,035 Forumite
Been having this debate at work with a few colleagues.
Basically, I have this female colleague (let's call her Kay.) She has been married 23 years, the relationship is mostly fine. Her husband works full time, her part time, 2 kids, both late teens.
Upshot is, he has about 10 female work colleagues in his office. One woman (let's call her Ann,) works 12-18 hours a week. She is a single woman with 2 kids 16 and 8. Never been married but has been in short relationships with the 2 fathers of the 2 boys. Kay's husband gets on OK with all the women and the 2 men in the office, but gets on especially well with Ann. He says they share the same sense of humour, and she works harder than any of the others.
My colleague says that whenever they go away on a trip; either a daytrip, or long weekend, or a weeks holiday, he always brings this woman (Ann) something back. They went to Paris to celebrate their joint 50th last month, and he spent half a day searching for a suitable and nice gift for this woman.
Kay said she was incensed that on their romantic trip away, for their joint 50th, he was searching for a gift for another woman.
He said she is reading too much into it, and that they're just mates, and that she deserves a gift because she works the hardest out of all the women, and she is a lonely and poor single mother. He said he has no romantic interest in her.
Kay said 'I'm not so much worried about you, as her. A man buying a woman a gift suggests he is interested in her. What if SHE thinks you buying a gift is going to lead somewhere...' He said 'well, she will be very disappointed won't she?'
Kay is also worried what other people will think. A married man buying a gift for a single woman? Why? What's going on?
He calls in at supermarkets on the way to work, and buys a cake for himself and this woman too. No-one else, just her.
To him it's all innocent, but is this right? Should he be buying gifts for this single woman when he is married?
Kay said that sometimes when they are out, he is flirty around other women, and just has to chat to them, and tries to be funny and 'jovial.' She said it makes her cringe. She said if she behaved around men like he behaves around women, they would think she wanted to sleep with them! (Her words.) She said he is hostile towards men, but very friendly towards women.
Also, 10 years back, his over friendliness with women lead to a woman at his workplace developing a huge interest in him, and it lead to a lot of problems with her claiming they were having a fling. Although he denied it and said he had just been friends with her and given her a life home a few times.
So maybe it's understandable that Kay is concerned?
She said sometimes, when she says more than a few words to other men, he glares at her and says something mean and negative about the man in question. It's like it's OK for him to be friendly with women, but isn't keen on her being friendly men.
Several of her colleagues have said she should start buying gifts for male colleagues, but she said that her doing that just to get back at him, or her being flirty with men just to get back at him, is not an option.
3 weeks back he bought Ann a box of orange matchmakers from the petrol station (when he was with Kay,) because she had said she likes them. Kay said that she wasn't happy with him buying Ann a gift AGAIN. He just rolled his eyes and said 'she's a mate. Then she discovered yesterday that he bought Ann some flowers on Monday because her guinea pig died! And he hadn't told Kay about it this time.
So now he's buying things for ANN and not telling Kay...
Some of our female colleagues said they wouldn't tolerate it and would have kicked him to the kerb by now, and the male colleagues said they wouldn't tolerate it if their wife was doling out gifts to a man she was not related to, especially if she was very flirty. And also that their wives would not tolerate them buying gifts for women who were not related to them either.
Kay said he is a good husband/father/provider and there aren't any major issues in their marriage, and her life is pretty good, but this one thing is niggling her.
So do you think what he's doing is appropriate?
Or is it OK because this woman is just his friend?
Is his behaviour out of order?
Is Kay over-reacting?
Basically, I have this female colleague (let's call her Kay.) She has been married 23 years, the relationship is mostly fine. Her husband works full time, her part time, 2 kids, both late teens.
Upshot is, he has about 10 female work colleagues in his office. One woman (let's call her Ann,) works 12-18 hours a week. She is a single woman with 2 kids 16 and 8. Never been married but has been in short relationships with the 2 fathers of the 2 boys. Kay's husband gets on OK with all the women and the 2 men in the office, but gets on especially well with Ann. He says they share the same sense of humour, and she works harder than any of the others.
My colleague says that whenever they go away on a trip; either a daytrip, or long weekend, or a weeks holiday, he always brings this woman (Ann) something back. They went to Paris to celebrate their joint 50th last month, and he spent half a day searching for a suitable and nice gift for this woman.
Kay said she was incensed that on their romantic trip away, for their joint 50th, he was searching for a gift for another woman.
He said she is reading too much into it, and that they're just mates, and that she deserves a gift because she works the hardest out of all the women, and she is a lonely and poor single mother. He said he has no romantic interest in her.
Kay said 'I'm not so much worried about you, as her. A man buying a woman a gift suggests he is interested in her. What if SHE thinks you buying a gift is going to lead somewhere...' He said 'well, she will be very disappointed won't she?'
Kay is also worried what other people will think. A married man buying a gift for a single woman? Why? What's going on?
He calls in at supermarkets on the way to work, and buys a cake for himself and this woman too. No-one else, just her.
To him it's all innocent, but is this right? Should he be buying gifts for this single woman when he is married?
Kay said that sometimes when they are out, he is flirty around other women, and just has to chat to them, and tries to be funny and 'jovial.' She said it makes her cringe. She said if she behaved around men like he behaves around women, they would think she wanted to sleep with them! (Her words.) She said he is hostile towards men, but very friendly towards women.
Also, 10 years back, his over friendliness with women lead to a woman at his workplace developing a huge interest in him, and it lead to a lot of problems with her claiming they were having a fling. Although he denied it and said he had just been friends with her and given her a life home a few times.
So maybe it's understandable that Kay is concerned?
She said sometimes, when she says more than a few words to other men, he glares at her and says something mean and negative about the man in question. It's like it's OK for him to be friendly with women, but isn't keen on her being friendly men.
Several of her colleagues have said she should start buying gifts for male colleagues, but she said that her doing that just to get back at him, or her being flirty with men just to get back at him, is not an option.
3 weeks back he bought Ann a box of orange matchmakers from the petrol station (when he was with Kay,) because she had said she likes them. Kay said that she wasn't happy with him buying Ann a gift AGAIN. He just rolled his eyes and said 'she's a mate. Then she discovered yesterday that he bought Ann some flowers on Monday because her guinea pig died! And he hadn't told Kay about it this time.
So now he's buying things for ANN and not telling Kay...
Some of our female colleagues said they wouldn't tolerate it and would have kicked him to the kerb by now, and the male colleagues said they wouldn't tolerate it if their wife was doling out gifts to a man she was not related to, especially if she was very flirty. And also that their wives would not tolerate them buying gifts for women who were not related to them either.
Kay said he is a good husband/father/provider and there aren't any major issues in their marriage, and her life is pretty good, but this one thing is niggling her.
So do you think what he's doing is appropriate?
Or is it OK because this woman is just his friend?
Is his behaviour out of order?
Is Kay over-reacting?
You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
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Comments
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The Buying Gifts is ok its the searching for the Ideal gift and buying the matchmakers because she likes them that sounds odd .~We are all going to hell and guess who Is driving the bus~*Norn Iron club Member 294* (Hi, we’ve had to remove part of your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE Forum Team)0
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Well I'm not married so my opinion might not count for much but I don't think there's anything necessarily inappropriate in buying gifts for anyone, married or not. But I do think there's a time and a place to be doing it.
If I'm out somewhere with my girlfriend and I spot something and think "Oh suchandsuch would love that!" I might pick it up for them if it's not too pricey and I wouldn't think ill of my girlfriend if she did likewise. Similarly if I had a friend who was going through a rough patch I might try and find something nice for them to cheer them up, but then I'd make sure my girlfriend knew about it even if I couldn't go into too many details.
But I'd think it a bit off if either of us went out of our way to get a gift for someone else for no particular reason, especially if it was becoming a regular thing. I'd think it even more off if they started buying gifts for the same person on the sly.
The occasional gift can be just a little thing to make someone else smile. Buying the same person something every few weeks seems like it's something more.She would always like to say,
Why change the past when you can own this day?0 -
Been having this debate at work with a few colleagues.
Basically, I have this female colleague (let's call her Kay.) She has been married 23 years, the relationship is mostly fine. Her husband works full time, her part time, 2 kids, both late teens.
Upshot is, he has about 10 female work colleagues in his office. One woman (let's call her Ann,) works 12-18 hours a week. She is a single woman with 2 kids 16 and 8. Never been married but has been in short relationships with the 2 fathers of the 2 boys. Kay's husband gets on OK with all the women and the 2 men in the office, but gets on especially well with Ann. He says they share the same sense of humour, and she works harder than any of the others.
My colleague says that whenever they go away on a trip; either a daytrip, or long weekend, or a weeks holiday, he always brings this woman (Ann) something back. They went to Paris to celebrate their joint 50th last month, and he spent half a day searching for a suitable and nice gift for this woman.
Kay said she was incensed that on their romantic trip away, for their joint 50th, he was searching for a gift for another woman. - it may seem a bit strange, but half a day out of how many days? He probably wasn't looking just for her, but rather generally shopping and wanted to bring something back.
He said she is reading too much into it, and that they're just mates, and that she deserves a gift because she works the hardest out of all the women, and she is a lonely and poor single mother. He said he has no romantic interest in her. - Fair enough. I get on really well with a female colleague, though we couldn't be more different. There's definitely nothing going on at all. I wouldn't think anything of buying something for her though.
Kay said 'I'm not so much worried about you, as her. A man buying a woman a gift suggests he is interested in her. What if SHE thinks you buying a gift is going to lead somewhere...' He said 'well, she will be very disappointed won't she?' - Seems fair to me.
Kay is also worried what other people will think. A married man buying a gift for a single woman? Why? What's going on? - Who cares?
He calls in at supermarkets on the way to work, and buys a cake for himself and this woman too. No-one else, just her. - And?
To him it's all innocent, but is this right? Should he be buying gifts for this single woman when he is married? - What do you mean is it right? It's not illegal, so it's up to him what he does surely?
Kay said that sometimes when they are out, he is flirty around other women, and just has to chat to them, and tries to be funny and 'jovial.' - is he a funny and jovial guy? She said it makes her cringe. - perhaps Kay should encourage his sense of humour more. She said if she behaved around men like he behaves around women, they would think she wanted to sleep with them! (Her words.) - Kay needs to stop thinking everyone wants to sleep with everyone else. its simply not true. She said he is hostile towards men, but very friendly towards women. - Perfectly natural.
Also, 10 years back, his over friendliness with women lead to a woman at his workplace developing a huge interest in him, and it lead to a lot of problems with her claiming they were having a fling. Although he denied it and said he had just been friends with her and given her a life home a few times. - Well either they were or they weren't. But really he cant be responsible for how people react.
So maybe it's understandable that Kay is concerned? - She's entitled to feel exactly how she chooses to feel. Her feelings cannot be judged, but we can disagree and say that there are plenty of people who wouldn't react like that.
She said sometimes, when she says more than a few words to other men, he glares at her and says something mean and negative about the man in question. It's like it's OK for him to be friendly with women, but isn't keen on her being friendly men. - Well she isn't keen on him being friendly with women! It's exactly the same!
Several of her colleagues have said she should start buying gifts for male colleagues, but she said that her doing that just to get back at him, or her being flirty with men just to get back at him, is not an option. - No because that would be incredibly childish.
3 weeks back he bought Ann a box of orange matchmakers from the petrol station (when he was with Kay,) because she had said she likes them. Kay said that she wasn't happy with him buying Ann a gift AGAIN. He just rolled his eyes and said 'she's a mate. Then she discovered yesterday that he bought Ann some flowers on Monday because her guinea pig died! And he hadn't told Kay about it this time. - Seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Women like flowers, she was sad, with flowers, maybe slightly less sad.
So now he's buying things for ANN and not telling Kay... - Probably because of Kays reaction?
Some of our female colleagues said they wouldn't tolerate it and would have kicked him to the kerb by now, and the male colleagues said they wouldn't tolerate it if their wife was doling out gifts to a man she was not related to, especially if she was very flirty. - I'd suggest these people are not very secure in their relationships. And also that their wives would not tolerate them buying gifts for women who were not related to them either.
Kay said he is a good husband/father/provider and there aren't any major issues in their marriage, and her life is pretty good, but this one thing is niggling her. - Kay sounds bored.
So do you think what he's doing is appropriate? - Yes
Or is it OK because this woman is just his friend? - That's the same question?
Is his behaviour out of order? - No
Is Kay over-reacting?
Kay is entitled to feel exactly how she does.
But her options are either:
Embrace that her husband enjoys his work and has a friend there
Or end the marriage.
She cant dictate what he does, only what she does.
A conversation may help tone down the volume of gifts, equally she may feel more at ease having met this woman.0 -
Well I wouldn't be too happy for half a day of a short break away for the 2 of us being spent on looking for a present for anyone. It's really odd behaviour.
But then we don't do presents at all really - so to us it would be odd but maybe not others.I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once0 -
I'm a married man and I occasionally buy gifts for single female friends. Mind you - they are usually my wife's friends as well. If on a trip away, I saw something that was a small and very appropriate gift for a female colleague and friend - I would probably buy it but I wouldn't always do it or let it take precedence over being on a trip with my other half!
Maybe he does think he's just being friendly or even supportive to someone he thinks needs it - but if so, he's doing it very clumsily.
Perhaps Kay should invite poor Ann round for tea and see how she reacts...I need to think of something new here...0 -
I would not say buying gifts for someone male or female\married or single is inappropriate. But that would depend on what the gift was (sexy underwear might be OTT) and when it was purchased (taking the Mrs shopping for her Birthday for example) as to an appropriate time.:A:dance:1+1+1=1:dance::A
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Marleyboy - You are, indeed, a legend.0 -
Buying a birthday present for a friend or occasionally buying cakes etc for all your colleagues is one thing, repeatedly buying someone chocolates and flowers and taking them gifts back from every holiday is pretty weird IMO.
If my OH treated one of his female (or male, actually) colleagues like that I would be very uncomfortable - and if one of my male co-workers started throwing gifts at me I would wonder what the hell was going on.
Even if his intentions are completely honourable I wouldn't be surprised if 'Ann' see's it as more than that.0 -
Yes I find the situations strange and inappropriate. There is nothing wrong in buying something to a friend, but this seems to be a very particular friendship, since I'm assuming he doesn't behave in this way towards any other person, nor he has in the past.
Also, if my husband had such a close friend, I would expect to be involved in their relationship somehow: not that I would forbid him to see her alone or anything like that; but at some point I would expect my husband to invite her for a coffee at our house, or ask me whether I wanna join them for a beer after work; or whatever it is that they do. And if I was looking for a gift for a friend while with my partner, I'd definitely phrase the thing as "I wanna buy something for my friend John, please help me find something suitable?" instead of dragging him from store to store.0 -
Sounds like someone with a massive crush.
Ann should have a word with him and to tell to knock it off.0 -
fairy_lights wrote: »Buying a birthday present for a friend or occasionally buying cakes etc for all your colleagues is one thing, repeatedly buying someone chocolates and flowers and taking them gifts back from every holiday is pretty weird IMO.
If my OH treated one of his female (or male, actually) colleagues like that I would be very uncomfortable - and if one of my male co-workers started throwing gifts at me I would wonder what the hell was going on.
Even if his intentions are completely honourable I wouldn't be surprised if 'Ann' see's it as more than that.
You have summed up pretty much how I think fairylights. I think it's a wee bit odd too. I do think though, as lambyr and NBLondon said ... it's OK to buy a gift for a colleague of the opposite sex now and again, but the frequency of it is a bit much.
lambyr
NBLondonBut I'd think it a bit off if either of us went out of our way to get a gift for someone else for no particular reason, especially if it was becoming a regular thing. I'd think it even more off if they started buying gifts for the same person on the sly.
The occasional gift can be just a little thing to make someone else smile. Buying the same person something every few weeks seems like it's something more.I'm a married man and I occasionally buy gifts for single female friends. Mind you - they are usually my wife's friends as well. If on a trip away, I saw something that was a small and very appropriate gift for a female colleague and friend - I would probably buy it but I wouldn't always do it or let it take precedence over being on a trip with my other half!
Maybe he does think he's just being friendly or even supportive to someone he thinks needs it - but if so, he's doing it very clumsily.
Perhaps Kay should invite poor Ann round for tea and see how she reacts...
People will go on about 'if you're secure enough in yourself, it shouldn't bother you' and so on, but it's nothing to do with that. Most people would be uncomfortable with it. (Female OR male.) And as fairylights said; the woman may not feel comfortable with it either. I strongly suspect that she is enjoying it though.You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:0
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