Is it ethical to leave a 80 yr old lady on her own whilst going on holiday

Tallmarky76

Hi,

I have a friend who is leaving his 80 year old mum on her own when he goes on holiday this week to New York for 10 days.

Hes done this several times before in the last few years when hes gone to australia,amsterdam and america, just to name a few and when ive tried to make him realise that her needs must come before his own as he has told me she hardly gets out of bed and he says he feels stressed,even though he only pays 2 bills for broadband and his mobile, they dont have a mortgage on the property where they live (which is in a very nice part of the city where we live) and the only thing he really needs to worry about is looking after his mum, he just says 'you dont understand' and that his mum is nagging him all the time but when you are a carer (like i am to my wife who has ME you should expect to be asked to do alot of things in the day to day running of a house.

I dont know what money he has coming in (as i dont ask) but when he tells me that their boiler has broken down and he cant afford to pay for it to get repaired but he can still (somehow) afford to go on this holiday it winds me up and i feel really sorry for his mum who will now have to fend for herself whilst hes away on holiday so ive said to my wife that i will cook some meals for her and drop them round to her so that she doesnt have to do much.
I asked him if hes tried to get help but he says that she doesnt want anyone in the house as the house is an absolute mess and has lots of stuff all over the place,including the hallway which she will have to negotiate when hes away but hes one of those people that will try to blame anyone else but himself so im not sure if hes telling the truth or not but surely he must make the house tidy even if he doesnt throw anything away. I have offered to help tidy the house for when he goes away but ive not heard anything back (and i dont expect too either).

They dont have any family that could help whilst hes away and hes said she can call the neighbours if anything happens but if she has a fall and cant get to the phone thats not going to do her any good.

Im really annoyed at my friend for doing this and i have contacted social services about it but they say without any written consent from her they cant do anything.

Is there anything else (besides the meals and phoning her to make sure shes ok) that i could do to help???

Kind regards Mark

Person_one

Well it depends on the 80 year old, can this one cope safely on her own? My grandparents are in their eighties and are currently off on a cruise, some much younger people need round the clock care, as you know, age has little to do with it really.

She's obviously survived when he's gone on his previous trips, what's different this time?

Person_one

Just seen your other thread, what a remarkable coincidence that these similar issues with different octogenarians cropped up at exactly the same time!

BrassicWoman

perhaps you could be more supportive and less judgmental of him? Everyone has their own pain.

NewShadow

To a greater or lesser extent, he's her son, not her slave.

If he is her official carer, I would suggest he consider a respite placement, but if she is officially assessed as not needing care...

You asked about ethics rather than law - is it ethical for a child to be prevented from living their own life because they are obliged to care for an elderly relative?

If he chooses to care for his parent - that's beautiful. If he is obliged - that just builds resentment and sometimes is what fuels elder abuse.

If the elderly lady in question wants your help, I'm sure there are a lot of things you can do - helping her request a SS home needs assessment and tidying the clutter to name two.

kaya

my mother in law is nearly 80 and recently went "house sitting" for somebody in the Bronx and was travelling around there on her own using the subway

fabforty

I don't see anything wrong with it - she presumably manages while he's away and doesn't want anyone else in to help (her choice). I can fully understand the need to get away occasionally, nothing unethical about it.

onomatopoeia99

Think plenty of 80+ people would be rather miffed to be told they can't be left on their own!

Hermia

If she is capable and has a phone that she can carry around I don't see the problem. Lots of people of that age live on their own. Yes, she could have a fall, but that could happen when he goes out for the day. You can't tie yourself to the home just in case. Obviously signing up for one of those alert services would be good, but lots of old people refuse.

If friends are so concerned they should have offered to help with respite care in advance. I was a carer and it is very tough never to go out and have a life of your own. She could live another ten years. Are you seriously saying he is not entitled to a break until she dies?!

pigpen

Thousands of 80+ people live alone, do their own shopping and cooking and housework.. unless she is unable to do those things then why shouldnt he go? My 87 y/o nanna trots off on buses and arund the town centre by herself .. Maybe is she is infirm and cannot do those things for herself yu should ring social services so they can offer any respite she may need.. it is possible for them to have respite in a care home while family carers are on holiday if they need it, but you can't force your ideas on other people.. maybe offer your support rather than judgement.

Andypandyboy

My MIL is almost 80 and lives alone. Up until recently when she fell she was very agile. After a spell immobile in a wheelchair, she is now recovered and walking well again. We have neighbours who are 87 and 93 respectively, and they live alone, they manage very well too, their houses are spotlessly clean.

People live much longer these days, look at the Queen! You can't expect adult children to put their lives on hold to the extent that they cannot take a holiday. If she needs help, then respite may be the answer, the answer is not for him to stay home....