Is it ethical to leave a 80 yr old lady on her own whilst going on holiday

Tallmarky76

Hi all,

She has survived on previous occassions but never before has she been this bad health wise.

Thanks for all of your replies. Im annoyed at him because as i said in my original post hes actually said to me that she hardly gets out of bed these days so that would suggest to me that she will struggle badly to cope on her own, also anytime he wants to go out (especially at weekends) he does just that so its not like hes being denied any time away and just stays at home with her 24/7.

Maybe i shouldnt of mentioned her age as most of you have said that it doesnt matter what age you are but i used it to expand my point of what the situation is.

Anyway, i will phone her and possibly take her a few meals to help her out.

Thanks again for all the replies..Mark

74jax

Is this a wind up?

Why have you mentioned his financial status? I'm confused.

Why does her house being a mess mean anything? My mum doesn't throw anything out, but it's her house.

Why are you mad with him? Do you normally take offense at other people's lives?

What a strange thread.

duchy

Ah but you have to remember the OP is a carer themselves -so probably feels if they can't get away neither should anyone else.

Every case is different My MIL is in her mid eighties - she would be mortified if anyone canceled a holiday to "look after her" she lives alone and enjoys her independence.

As for commenting on what bills the son pays in his mother's house- What impertinence - None of your business. I bet she'd be less than thrilled to discover you discuss her private financial arrangements with strangers on the internet. When he told you of his plans did you offer any help or did you just say he shouldn't go ? Most people who understand how demanding caring can be and realize a break is often not a treat but a necessity would be asking if they could help if they were genuine friends.

Still if you are so close to this lady that you know exactly what ails her, what time she gets out of bed and all details of her medical history as well as her financial business then you may be in a good position to know if she can cope alone for a few days or not (or indeed if she wants him to go as he needs a break/life) if however you barely know this woman at all and are relying on hearsay then perhaps you are not in the best position to act as judge and jury.

If you are jealous he is taking what is effectively respite and you feel a bit hard done by -then maybe you need to be seeing if some form of respite is available for yourself and your wife.

As for not getting out of bed -she may simply prefer it - Clearly she can get to the loo & make food or she wouldn't have managed when he went away before . You've already said he doesn't do stuff around the house so it sounds more like she's an elderly woman whose son lives with her rather than an invalid and carer situation -as someone is doing the basics even if not to your standards.

(I do wonder about these "My friend" threads........you have to wonder if they were enemies could they be any nastier about them)

EDIT Just seen the other thread .....so BIL is a drug addict who spends all his money on drugs yet can afford holidays to Amsterdam, Australia and the USA ........amazing !!!

FBaby

My 85yo neighbour still goes and spends 3 months every winter to her flat in Spain. She lives alone here and is alone there, although she does have many friends here and there. She would have been massively offended if I'd dared to hint that she could cope 10 days on her own.

Age alone means nothing, it's more about need. You say she hardly gets out of bed. How do you know that? Because clearly, if it is a mobility issue and she really can't get out of bed, your concerns are very serious. If however you are just jealous of your friend being able to go on all those fancy holidays, then it's another matter. Considering that SS are not interested, I would think the latter is more likely.

Primrose

Most of the 80 yr olds I know are still busy volunteering and leading active lives. And if this man is her sole carer, do you really begrudge him having some respite time to himself and having a little sanity in his life. It may be that his mother is more capable of looking after herself for the duration than you imagine. Is it her choice to stay in bed most of the day? Is she really that unwell or has she just got used to being waited on? Taking some responsibility for herself for a brief period might be good for her.

BrassicWoman

If it is your MIL from your other thread I would rejoice at the opportunity to get lots of things sorted while she is on her own. Take the week off work and get to it!

hazyjo

It's called 'respite'.


Try looking after someone when it's not your other half. It's very different. My friend is in her 50s and has put a lot of her own life on hold to look after her poorly mother who has fits and has had falls. I won't say the things she has come close to doing as people can be very judgemental when they don't know all the facts, and how utterly soul destroying it can be - even though it's someone you love dearly that you're caring for. Yes, she has taken holidays and left her mum with her brother, even though she doesn't particularly want to be there.


The job of a carer, or hands-on son/daughter (adult or not) is one of those things that often go unappreciated, misunderstood, yet quite often judged. It's also often harder caring for the elderly, or a parent, especially when they feel their dignity has been compromised. I would have no worries about caring for my other half, but, having seen my dad deteriorate when he was dying, I'm not sure how I would have coped without my mum there to do everything for him.


There is care and support out there if they need it. Maybe they feel it hasn't come to that yet.


Also, we are not all born carers. Same as not everyone would be cut out to be a nurse (I bloody wouldn't!), a psychologist, nor a counsellor. Try not to judge those who aren't as good at it as you, or as tolerant or understanding.


Jx

Mojisola

hazyjo wrote: »

It's called 'respite'.

Try looking after someone. My friend is in her 50s and has put a lot of her own life on hold to look after her poorly mother who has fits and has had falls. I won't say the things she has come close to doing as people can be very judgemental when they don't know all the facts, and how utterly soul destroying it can be - even though it's someone you love dearly that you're caring for.

Yes, she has taken holidays and left her mum with her brother, even though she doesn't particularly want to be there.

I think this is the main point - if a carer does need a break because the work is hard, then someone needs to take over the care.

If the cared-for person doesn't need any help for a week, being their carer can't be that stressful.

If the cared-for person does receive a lot of help, they shouldn't be left alone for a week.

Jagraf

Have I missed the point here? Is the child a paid carer or does the child just live there?

Guest101

the use of the word 'ethical' opens this debate up far wider than I think required.



Everyones ethics are different.


I think it matters on the abilities of the person to care for themselves. Practical things like getting in and out of bed.