Partner reluctant to accept change

onomatopoeia99

ThumbRemote wrote: »

It sounds like you're expected to make all the compromises, and he's not going to make any.

What compromises is the OP being asked to make to their own home? I didn't read any mentioned.

The OP is trying to "change and improve" her partner / his home, apparently he needs to compromise and agree to her changes though apparently not asking for any change himself :eek:

The compromise suggested by many forumites seems to be entirely one sided!

Rosemary7391

I think people are reading this in two different ways - one that the OP is trying to impose her wishes/ideas on his home now, and the other that she's suggesting things for when she moves into his place (as they want to live together, and he doesn't want to move), and none of these suggestions are being considered. Perhaps the OP can clarify - I think it's the latter though.

surveyqueenuk

Presumably, living together once your children are older is something you both want.

However it isn't on the cards just yet. A few years down the line, yes, but not right now. As it stands, he lives in his house, you live in yours. So now is not the time to suggest changes. If his house ends up becoming a home for you both then, yes, of course you should have equal input. But right now, it's not your house and not your choice.

Regardless of this, if you really feel as though you and your partner are not on the same page when it comes to co-habiting then it's probably time for a chat.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

OH has been living here for two years and there are three rules to living here;

1. Don't burn the house down.
2. Turn the flaming bathroom light off after you've used it.
3. Don't strangle the cat. That's my job.


Everything else is as much his choice as mine - I don't care if I come home to find he's entirely redecorated the place or rearranged the place so we're sleeping in the shed. I gave him a hard time when he referred to 'your bedroom', pointing out that he spends more time in it than I do, and has done ever since he moved in.


The OP's boyfriend doesn't really seem to be in the right place to be making any longterm plans with.

Newly_retired

I think it depends how far down the line the couple are planning to live together. If it is not so far off, within a couple of years, it is not unreasonable for the OP to be looking at how her partner's home will suit her and possibly young adult visiting children at some point. Or if she already does a bit of cooking when she stays over, she may have good ideas as to how the kitchen might work better with a few changes.

In her position, I would be concerned that he is not prepared to establish a new home together by finding somewhere new, neutral territory.

onomatopoeia99

Newly_retired wrote: »

Or if she already does a bit of cooking when she stays over, she may have good ideas as to how the kitchen might work better with a few changes.

In the reverse position, I would not dream of making suggestions of how a girlfriend could re-arrange her kitchen to suit me if I cooked there occasionally. It would be her kitchen and not my place to interfere :eek:

Newly_retired

True, if it is regarded as interfering. Says a lot about the dynamic between the couple, and their life together.

onomatopoeia99

Well, I would consider myself to be interfering if I went into someone's home and told them how to arrange it to suit me, no matter if they were relaxed about it or not. Me being in a relationship with them wouldn't change that, I still wouldn't do it. It's their home.

getmore4less

Tamoshanter wrote: »

I am in my early 50s and have been with my partner for 2 years,we both have our own homes and hope that one day we will live together once my children are a little older.
My partner has made it clear ,he doesn't want the turmoil of moving to a new jointly owned home,which I accept, but he is very possessive about everything in his house .if i suggest areas I might like to change or improve or just add my own stuff to he finds reasons why things should stay much as they are. He has been single for many years , and is set in his ways , but I sometimes wonder how I am going to fit into his life .
Anyone had a similar experience ?

Timing,

They hope to one day move in together.

no idea when some vague when the kids are older and no date set.

She wants changes now.

When they see a date in the future that this move could happen then that's the time to look at how the living together would work.

Not clear if this kids older is so they don't move in as well or he does not want youngster around.

IF anything like one friend of mine that had boomerang kids they will still be around in their 20's.