Partner reluctant to accept change

pigpen

euronorris wrote: »

If they are going to move in with each other though, surely it needs to become 'their' house and not just his.


Otherwise, I don't see much point in moving in together.

I do wonder if this is why he doesn't want to one move into the others home.. so they have to get somewhere new and it becomes 'theirs' rather than the other invading their own home.. rather 'this is mine and you are a foreign object'

PeacefulWaters

pollypenny wrote: »

I'd question his commitment.

Perhaps fairer to assess the speed at which things are going. There's a chat to be had, for sure.

But if the current arrangement is working why hurry along a merger when you can let the relationship grow with the status quo?

Goldiegirl

I think I'd just carry on with things the way they are, and keep seperate houses.

Would save a lot of angst on both sides

Mojisola

Tamoshanter wrote: »

he is very possessive about everything in his house .

if i suggest areas I might like to change or improve or just add my own stuff to he finds reasons why things should stay much as they are.

If you have your home and he has his, why are you trying to "improve" his home? You'd get short shrift from me as well - my house laid out how I like it - you have your house how you like yours.

He has been single for many years , and is set in his ways , but I sometimes wonder how I am going to fit into his life .

It may be very hard for him to change but you aren't going to fit into his life - the two of you will be making a new life together - changes will have to happen on both sides. Remember that you don't always know best!

Bobcrowther

Alter_ego wrote: »

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Edit - Pennies dropped eventually.

How very apt :rotfl:

moneyistooshorttomention

I guess your age could mean a certain "generational attitude"???

I know I'm in the 60-something age group and I take it as read that the woman makes all the decisions about how a house is decorated/arranged/etc/etc - which I "think" is probably the most common attitude for my generation and the one before it.

It was a source of much thought to watch housebuying programmes a couple of years back (ie when I was swopping houses) to watch the next generation down from me making joint decisions about all that sort of stuff. It was the first time it had struck me that the younger generation to my own quite probably DOES make joint decisions re home (rather than it being the womans prerogative to do that). I did/do wonder whether I was inadvertently being a little "old-fashioned" with my automatic assumptions on that. But I will admit to still wanting my home the way I would like personally:rotfl:

Maybe you have the standard attitude of my generation - and are trying to make all the decisions that have been traditionally the "female" ones - and he's been watching those programmes or the like and is feeling somewhat surprised by that and assuming he will have a 50% say (and all the more so - as its his house in the first place)????

I guess the plus side to that is he doesnt get to make the ultimate decision on whereabouts in the country (or the world) you would both live together.....

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I guess your age could mean a certain "generational attitude"???

I know I'm in the 60-something age group and I take it as read that the woman makes all the decisions about how a house is decorated/arranged/etc/etc - which I "think" is probably the most common attitude for my generation and the one before it.

I did/do wonder whether I was inadvertently being a little "old-fashioned" with my automatic assumptions on that. But I will admit to still wanting my home the way I would like personally:rotfl:

I'm around the same age and we have always made joint decisions about our home. Both of us live here so we both have a say in how it's decorated, what furniture we buy, etc.

What if your OH doesn't like something you choose? Does he just have to put up with it?

PasturesNew

Until you reach the stage where you're living together, what's in his house isn't any of your business. His house, his rules. Your house, your rules. You can thrash that out if you ever decide to move in together.

2 years isn't really all that long, one of you might go off the other one in the next 1-2 years. There's no rush.

ThumbRemote

Tamoshanter wrote: »

I am in my early 50s and have been with my partner for 2 years,we both have our own homes and hope that one day we will live together once my children are a little older.
My partner has made it clear ,he doesn't want the turmoil of moving to a new jointly owned home,which I accept, but he is very possessive about everything in his house .if i suggest areas I might like to change or improve or just add my own stuff to he finds reasons why things should stay much as they are. He has been single for many years , and is set in his ways , but I sometimes wonder how I am going to fit into his life .
Anyone had a similar experience ?

You're planning to move in together. He doesn't want the turmoil of moving, but he's happy for you to have the turmoil of moving. Doesn't this ring alarm bells straight away?

It sounds like you're expected to make all the compromises, and he's not going to make any. What makes you think that will change when you've moved in? I'd insist on both moving to a new house to make a new start together, otherwise you'll be forever a lodger in his house.

Mojisola

ThumbRemote wrote: »

I'd insist on both moving to a new house to make a new start together, otherwise you'll be forever a lodger in his house.

Me, too.

If you're not worth the 'turmoil' that comes with making a new home together, he's not that bothered about making a life with you.