Coping with past trauma? (sensitive topic)

Mojisola

~_e5ther_~ wrote: »

I take on board what you're all saying about counselling, but I would find it very very difficult to speak to anybody at all about this. I used to be elective mute as a young child following an early childhood trauma, and withdrawing seems to be my way of dealing with things. I'm not the type who can unburden myself and talk about my problems, or articulate what I am feeling and why. I wish I could.

~_e5ther_~ wrote: »

But it reminded me of my own traumatic experience. I went for an abortion when I was a student in my 20s, at the request of the baby’s father. I went along with it, and to be honest I have never really got over it.

I went into a shop and had to come out again, I thought I was going to faint. I have a really awful feeling inside me which is hard to describe. Panicky.. physically sick..

No matter how difficult it will be, do try to get some help.

This time you are a good enough place to cope with the upset. If you just repress it again, the next time you may not be able to cope so well.

As well as the good suggestions above, would it help to also go for a therapy that may be a bit 'fringe' that works with the idea of trauma being held in the body/muscles? If you can let go of the stress in the body, you won't have to find the words to express the pain and memories.

marywooyeah

OP I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering like this. I have been through the same as you as I was bullied into an abortion by my ex-boyfriend when I was 19 and I have never gotten over it. I miss my baby terribly and when I have seen pictures of aborted babies on posters/stands etc as you have described it has left me feeling sick too. When I look at those pictures, I know that is how my son ended up and it was my fault for being too weak to stand up for myself and leave.

My abortion was a little over ten years ago and although the pain is not as profound anymore it has taken a long time to get to where I am now. I personally kept quiet about it for a long time and withdrew in the way you describe yourself as doing. I was ashamed to talk about how much I was suffering as I felt that I deserved to suffer and that people would think badly of me for having an abortion. Like you say, it is a taboo subject and I was scared of others judging me.

For me a real turning point came when I visited my GP for a completely unrelated issue and broke down in tears at his desk. When I told him what had happened and how I felt, he told me that I felt this way because I was grieving for my baby. I realised that that was the case - I missed him awfully but because I felt guilty for being to blame for his death I was feeling guilty for grieving for him too and this was causing a cycle of guilt, shame and depression. Once I accepted that it was ok to grieve for him I was able to start dealing with my pain rather than bottling it all up.

Around four years after the abortion I went to a pregnancy crisis centre for counselling. I did a course called "The Journey" which was absolutely invaluable to helping me heal. The counsellor never judged me and allowed me to bawl my eyes out if I needed to and I cannot tell you how much it helped. I used to leave the sessions feeling like I was walking on air. Since then I still miss him, but I have been able to see that although ultimately I went for the abortion, I was pressured and unsupported, feeling that I had no choice other than to go through with it against my wishes.

I really want to convey to you that although overcoming how you are feeling will take time, there really is help available and you can feel better. You are not a bad person for having an abortion and although it feels very lonely you far from alone, there are so many people who have been through abortions and have felt or are feeling how you do.

If you would like to PM me in private I'd be more than happy to talk to you xx

~_e5ther_~

Armchair23 wrote: »

Oh that all sounds so very sad and lonely for you : (

The initial trigger aside it seems like you've had some ongoing troubles and I really think it''s time someone should be helping you with all that worries you not just single issues.

I don't know what your early trauma was but there are some very good charities that maybe could help.

If you were a an elective mute as a child I can't even begin to imagine how tough it is for you to SPEAK and ask for help but maybe that's the very thing you need to do right now.

And though the idea of group therapy might be the worst thing on the planet you could give it a try.

All my love and good wishes hoping that you can reach out and ask for the help you so truly deserve.

It was domestic violence towards me (as a baby) and my mother. The child psychiatrist said my suddenly not speaking was my reaction to it. But that was back in the 70s and I don't think help for mental health issues was as available as it is now. But I still find it difficult to speak to and open up to people. Perhaps it's just my personality.


(sorry I've had to remove your links in my reply as it won't let me post links!)

~_e5ther_~

thriftyemma wrote: »

I was in a similar situation, in the late 90s. My first serious boyfriend persuaded me to have sex without protection. Being young, naive, and madly in love, I agreed. Needless to say, I ended up pregnant. I was 17, in full time education, and by the time I found out, I was having serious doubts about the relationship.

After having tests done at the doctor, it was revealed I had an STD. As I had only been with then-boyfriend, it was a major red flag. It turns out he had been sleeping with someone I knew, who was known to sleep around.

I knew I was in no-way ready to be a mum, and the revelation that the boyfriend was unfaithful just cemented my feelings. I was 100% sure I wanted a termination, and several weeks later, I had the procedure.

I was an idiot. We didn't use contraception. I was happy to be pregnant, he wasn't and I went along with an abortion because I felt I had no other choice, if he wasn't going to support me.

I try to be philosophical about it. I say to myself everyone has done something they regret, but I just wish my 'mistake in life' hadn't been this.

marywooyeah wrote: »

OP I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering like this. I have been through the same as you as I was bullied into an abortion by my ex-boyfriend when I was 19 and I have never gotten over it. I miss my baby terribly and when I have seen pictures of aborted babies on posters/stands etc as you have described it has left me feeling sick too. When I look at those pictures, I know that is how my son ended up and it was my fault for being too weak to stand up for myself and leave.

Yes that's how I feel. You're vulnerable when you're suddenly in that position.
I don't know if mine was a girl or boy. I think I was around 7 weeks, but I'm not sure. I was living abroad at the time and grappling with a foreign language as well as the crap going on around me.

Thanks for sharing xx It's not easy even on an anonymous forum.

Torry_Quine

Many counselling groups offer online counsellng these days which would maybe help you better.

tea_lover

There are so many types of counselling and support available now, I really hope you can find something that helps you come to terms with what you have been through. If talking isn't what suits you best, maybe consider some sort of art or music therapy?

Take care x.

Armchair23

~_e5ther_~ wrote: »

It was domestic violence towards me (as a baby) and my mother. The child psychiatrist said my suddenly not speaking was my reaction to it. But that was back in the 70s and I don't think help for mental health issues was as available as it is now. But I still find it difficult to speak to and open up to people. Perhaps it's just my personality.

That's a horrible thing to have happened to you both and a really tough start in life. Counselling and therapy weren't seen as being as important in the 70's and weren't widely available . As long as you looked roughly OK it was assumed you were OK .

But it's now 2016 things have changed, you've changed and you have things you would like to talk about (if you can get to that point) and maybe ease things from your past.

If it's any consolation I came very late in life to counselling about my childhood. I spent session after session just crying. On one hand a complete waste of money, on the other something I just needed to do. I really needed someone else to see how hurt I was.

Whether you want to look at your sadness over your abortion as a stand alone issue or look at your life overall it's good to do it with a helping hand.

I really hope you find a way whatever route you choose to find a happier place. X

marywooyeah

~_e5ther_~ wrote: »

I was an idiot. We didn't use contraception. I was happy to be pregnant, he wasn't and I went along with an abortion because I felt I had no other choice, if he wasn't going to support me.

I try to be philosophical about it. I say to myself everyone has done something they regret, but I just wish my 'mistake in life' hadn't been this.

Sadly I think a lot of women "choose" to have an abortion because in reality they feel that they have no other choice. I've come to see over time that I did have a choice and I should have left, but as you say when you are young, have no money, have nowhere else to go and are being pressured into an abortion it really doesn't seem that there is any choice. I imagine your situation was even more compounded by the fact that you were living abroad - you must have felt very isolated.

I've also tried to see it in a similar way as you: everyone has some bad event or memory in their lives, but why does mine have to be so awful and affect me everyday? My abortion has affected me in ways I could never had anticipated. For example I'm scared of the dentist (partially) because of the suction machines that they use - when I hear the machine I think "is that what it would have sounded like?"



[/QUOTE] Yes that's how I feel. You're vulnerable when you're suddenly in that position.
I don't know if mine was a girl or boy. I think I was around 7 weeks, but I'm not sure. I was living abroad at the time and grappling with a foreign language as well as the crap going on around me.

Thanks for sharing xx It's not easy even on an anonymous forum.[/QUOTE]

I hope knowing that someone can empathise with you has brought some comfort. It is difficult for me to talk about on here as I have received a lot of abuse before but I couldn't read your post and not respond as I could tell how much you are suffering.

Thank you for being brave enough to share how you are feeling - that takes a lot of courage and you're starting your journey to healing already xxx

skattykatty

OP to open up, even on an anonymous forum, is a very courageous step to take.

We can not underestimate the lasting impact that trauma has on our lives and you have been through so much from a young age. I appreciate how challenging it would be to sit across from another person and talk about experiences that you, originally, learned to protect your self from by closing up and staying still and quiet. IF you feel that this way of coping works for you and supports you to engage fully in your life then maybe it's okay. IF you feel that this way of coping has outlived its usefulness and you have a sense there may be other ways to manage and live more contentedly then seek out people and places that may help.

Tea lover's suggestion of seeking out arts therapists (art, music, drama, movement, dance) may suit you better. Processing pain using the arts can be very therapeutic, soothing, nourishing, even liberating.

If nothing else, be kind to yourself. Be kind, be kind, be kind.

susieq87

been through the same thing about 6 years ago and i havent gotten over it, just learnt to live with it. i remember after i did it, i was contemplating on taking my own life because i felt that terrible about it and was depressed over the thought that a man had made me do what i didnt wanna do.
honestly i dont have advice, i havent sought counselling or anything like that i have just learnt to deal with it but i do think about that little girl (dont know why i convinced myself it was a girl) that could be 6 right now, doesnt make it easier that my friend's gf conceived at the same time as i did and we would have been due the same month so seeing pictures of his little girl on social networks does bring a pang.

like i said, no advice but i understand. been there.

sending you lots of hugs