Coping with past trauma? (sensitive topic)

~_e5ther_~

** Not a troll post I am using an AE because I don’t want people to link this to my usual account **

I went into town this morning and was greeted by the sight of a group of pro-lifers.. They’re there at that same spot quite frequently. Big pictures of aborted foetuses at 4 weeks, 7 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks and so on.. and then a sign up saying they were going to show a graphic video of an abortion.. Free speech? Maybe :undecided


But it reminded me of my own traumatic experience. I went for an abortion when I was a student in my 20s, at the request of the baby’s father. I went along with it, and to be honest I have never really got over it. I know that logically it was probably for the best (with hindsight) but in truth I have never forgiven myself for having got pregnant and then got rid of it.


I went into a shop and had to come out again, I thought I was going to faint. I have a really awful feeling inside me which is hard to describe. Panicky.. physically sick.. I thought I was pretty much over the worst, until this morning when bam, all those feelings came back to me again. I did manage to pick myself up, get my shopping done and return home, but the experience has shaken me.


I feel stupid and ashamed writing this but there is absolutely no-one in real life I can turn to or speak to about the subject. No-one except me and the baby’s father knows about the abortion. It happened back in the 1990s but it affects me to this day. I’d like to know if anyone else has suffered past trauma and how they got over it (or IF they got over it.. ). Usually I just put it to the back of my mind, thinking why rake up painful stuff when it only upsets you, but the feeling that I have done something bad won’t go away. Most of the time it isn't on my mind but it's always there, in the background.


Logically I know I can’t be the only person to have gone through something like this, but it’s a taboo subject and people don’t discuss these things, probably for fear of being judged by others. (I’m not particularly religious, if that’s relevant). I know I’ve just got to grow a thicker skin, but would be interested to hear if anyone’s got any tips or suggestions if they’ve been through something similar. The worst feeling is being completely alone.

ognum

I think you could do with really talking this through with a professional, it will be confidential.

Either ask your GP or maybe CRUSE as this is a bereavement and get some one to one help with how you are feeling and how you can move forward.

Keeping these issues internalised means that when you are unexpectedly reminded you are unable to deal with them.

Seek some professional help. It is useful to know how others cope but we all cope differently.

Tammykitty

Talk to your GP and ask for counseling.


There are probably some charities that offer counseling for this issue also - try Marie Stopes

Meepmeep

I haven't been through anything similar - but didn't want to read and run. So sending you virtual hugs. I agree, it maybe that having some counselling will be helpful, a space to talk things over with someone neutral.
You certainly aren't alone - I know of quite a few people who had abortions and those are just the ones I know about.
I don't want to turn this thread into a debate about prolife vs choice, but I feel really angry that you had to experience that. I'm all for free speech but that feels excessive.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Marie Stopes offer counselling privately for exactly this sort of situation.

https://www.mariestopes.org.uk/women/counselling/marie-stopes-counselling/what-counselling-do-you-offer


Plenty of posters could tell you that it's okay, you tried to do the right thing and it's okay to feel bad about it, but you didn't do anything wrong in itself - but it's better that you have the opportunity to address it with a professional so you can come to terms with the decision you made at the time and your feelings about it since.

Torry_Quine

I agree with others that counselling may well help you with this , so ask your GP what's available.

It cant be easy to have to see such images and like Meepmeep think its wrong.

~_e5ther_~

I take on board what you're all saying about counselling, but I would find it very very difficult to speak to anybody at all about this. I used to be elective mute as a young child following an early childhood trauma, and withdrawing seems to be my way of dealing with things. I'm not the type who can unburden myself and talk about my problems, or articulate what I am feeling and why. I wish I could.


The GP surgery has sent me twice for counselling in the past, the first time for anxiety and the second time when I was harming myself about 3 years ago. The most helpful to me was a mental health website recommended by my GP but my membership expired and I didn't bother renewing it. The only counselling I was offered that time round was telephone appointments with a man (who I didn't really click with) or group therapy, which would have been even worse :eek:



I've never really thought of it as bereavement before, but now I think about it I can see it is, even though I am responsible for the situation I find myself in. Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate it.

Armchair23

Oh that all sounds so very sad and lonely for you : (

The initial trigger aside it seems like you've had some ongoing troubles and I really think it''s time someone should be helping you with all that worries you not just single issues.

I don't know what your early trauma was but there are some very good charities that maybe could help.
If someone had suffered childhood sexual abuse this would be a great place to look http://www.oneinfour.org.uk/
If self harm is a struggle http://www.harmless.org.uk/ is helpful.

If you were a an elective mute as a child I can't even begin to imagine how tough it is for you to SPEAK and ask for help but maybe that's the very thing you need to do right now.

And though the idea of group therapy might be the worst thing on the planet you could give it a try.

All my love and good wishes hoping that you can reach out and ask for the help you so truly deserve.

Person_one

How about calling the Samaritans? They aren't just there for suicidal people, they are there for anybody feeling emotional distress. Its less pressurised than a counselling environment and might be a way to see if you can 'ease in' to talking about what happened and to see if it helps at all. Its the most confidential service there is, and you can always just hang up with no repercussions and no judgement if it gets too much.

The new number is 116 123 and its free. If you prefer to email or text rather than speak you can do that too, details are here: http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/different-ways-you-can-get-touch/what-happens-when-i-email and the email address is jo@samaritans.org

(You didn't do anything wrong, and as you recognise you probably made the right decision at the time, that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult and traumatic and that you don't need some help dealing with it all now.)

thriftyemma

I was in a similar situation, in the late 90s. My first serious boyfriend persuaded me to have sex without protection. Being young, naive, and madly in love, I agreed. Needless to say, I ended up pregnant. I was 17, in full time education, and by the time I found out, I was having serious doubts about the relationship.

After having tests done at the doctor, it was revealed I had an STD. As I had only been with then-boyfriend, it was a major red flag. It turns out he had been sleeping with someone I knew, who was known to sleep around.

I knew I was in no-way ready to be a mum, and the revelation that the boyfriend was unfaithful just cemented my feelings. I was 100% sure I wanted a termination, and several weeks later, I had the procedure.

The long and the short of it is, I still feel some regret, nearly 20 years later. It is a very complex feeling. The what-ifs, the moments that might have been. How old would baby be now? Would they look like me? Was I very selfish to put myself first?

I think you need to deal with your feelings of grief and regret. That does not have to be vocally, if it does not suit you. You mentioned a website you were a member of, that was helpful? Could you rejoin that now? I know I stumble and get lost when I'm put on the spot and asked to speak. Even unexpected telephone calls can leave me red-faced and spluttering

I found this forum very useful when dealing with overwhelming emotions... http://www.nshn.co.uk/index.html (Please note, the content can be explicit in nature, as it a help forum for those experiencing self-harm. Some people may find it upsetting.) At a time of great distress, the members there were very supportive. I also find writing very cathartic. You can take your time, saying exactly what you want. You can edit to your heart's content, and you're never put on the spot.

I just wanted you to know, you are NOT alone. Sending warm wishes.

ognum

~_e5ther_~ wrote: »

I take on board what you're all saying about counselling, but I would find it very very difficult to speak to anybody at all about this. I used to be elective mute as a young child following an early childhood trauma, and withdrawing seems to be my way of dealing with things. I'm not the type who can unburden myself and talk about my problems, or articulate what I am feeling and why. I wish I could.


The GP surgery has sent me twice for counselling in the past, the first time for anxiety and the second time when I was harming myself about 3 years ago. The most helpful to me was a mental health website recommended by my GP but my membership expired and I didn't bother renewing it. The only counselling I was offered that time round was telephone appointments with a man (who I didn't really click with) or group therapy, which would have been even worse :eek:



I've never really thought of it as bereavement before, but now I think about it I can see it is, even though I am responsible for the situation I find myself in. Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate it.

CRUSE work with people with problems like your daily, they have a helpline that you can refer yourself on just google them.

The counsellors are Experienced in working with people who may find it difficult to talk about their experiences, silences are usual and gradual moving forward is expected.

P,ease try it.