Realisation that I'll properly never have kids

Mrs_Boo_Boo

Oh my heart goes out for you,but great that you are facing reality and starting the journey of acceptance. It's a bloody hard one and totally devastates your life.
My husband and I are childless and have struggled since two failed IVF cycles. Have gone through times when even driving past a school or watching adverts for baby products was hard. When society is geared up for children not having them puts you at a disadvantage. People always ask if you have children. It's a grieving process. Don't forget there will be stages like grandchildren etc too. You will never be a mother then a granny too.

On a positive note they say time heals and luckily it does get better. I am in a much better place after 7 years. Life does go on. We are lucky to have each other and a great relationship.

My advice is to go with the flow and feel those emotions when they pop up. It is perfectly valid to feel angry, depressed,sad,jealous so allow yourself to feel those emotions. I know I felt emotionally 'numb' for a long time,but put a brave face on it.

You will get there

xxx

cyantist

Person_one wrote: »

I think its completely natural to feel real sadness and loss for the life that you had expected to have and the children you had expected to raise. I wonder if there are any support groups either in real life or online because a surprisingly high number of women go through this for one reason or another.

Gateway women is a good online support network for people who are in the same situation. They organise meetups in real life as well.

hazyjo

I've felt a bit mixed over it all throughout my life. Met my first husband when I was around 24. We got married when I was 30 but split up within months as he had an affair with his secretary and left me (they also had a baby within the year so I feel your pain!). I still sort of presumed it would happen for me. Got married again, but it didn't last long. Also lived with another bloke for a couple of years and dated another couple for a couple of years. Before I knew it, I was 43, moving house, and moving my BF in. We're still together and have been for 4 or so years, but kids are definitely not on the cards. I'm 46.


We had a couple of 'scares' a year or so ago. Did several pregnancy tests but all negative. It's the first time I'd thought I might be pregnant. Although there was a little bit of excitement, my main feeling was panic. I have learnt that I love my life. I love not having to fit children into my life and I love not having to work everything around what my kids are doing. I honestly don't know how I would cope - and, for once, I love my relationship as it is. Probably sound selfish to those with kids, but it was a bit of a wake up call for me. I always felt something was missing, that I wanted them, but when I thought I might be pregnant, it did make me question things. I now feel happy about it. I have nieces and a nephew I love.


If I did ever have a child, I would make whatever life-changes/sacrifices/compromises, obviously, and I know my life would be enhanced in ways I can't comprehend. But I have learnt to be happy with what my friends don't have, not what they do. They're often envious of me that I can do what I want, when I want, and don't have responsibilities.


Weirdly, it's my old friends (from school mainly) who did all have kids. The friends I've made along the way don't (except one who became a mum at around 43).


Good luck. If you do decide you def want them, there are options.


Jx

ali-t

I have never wanted children but now that the choice is being taken away (age) I think about children more than ever. As usual I want to have my cake and eat it - don't really want children at this time but if its now or never what if I change my mind and its too late. Jeez, its hard being a woman.

tea_lover

I think what helps is knowing that there are so many others out there who really do know what you're going through (just look at this thread!) It's easy to feel as if everyone else has children, and society is certainly geared towards 'traditional' family set-ups.

It is a grief - you're coming to terms with the loss of the life you thought you'd have, and it's hard. But I honestly think you can come through it and have a very happy and fulfilling life, even if it isn't what your Plan A was going to be.

FWIW, I had years of treatment, including couple of ICSI (IVF) cycles. The furthest we got was a miscarriage. There's no way I could ever go through any of that again. It's been a couple of years since I decided to stop all treatment and it has been very liberating - life had been on hold for a long, long time and it's nice to start planning again.

There are still tough days. There are still days when a pg announcement will hit me like a ton of bricks. There are still days when an advert will set me off bawling for hours. But most days are now good ones. I really enjoy spending time with other people's children (and even volunteer with them now, which I wouldn't have thought possible a few years ago).

Let yourself feel sad, but know that life has a lot to offer you. Take care xx.

DinkyLass

tea_lover wrote: »

It's been a couple of years since I decided to stop all treatment and it has been very liberating - life had been on hold for a long, long time and it's nice to start planning again.

This!! ^^^^^


I honestly think that when you're in the darkest depths of infertility you can't see how all-consuming it is, until you come out the other side!


And then for those days when the broody feelings creep back in and you feel a bit sad, there's another day when you sit and wonder 'what the hell was I thinking?!?'

suki1964

I too never wanted children, well I was ambivalent really, wasn't fussed, never planned

Then aged 35 I faced a hysterectomy. That was it, I was tearful and depressed for ages thinking I'd never have children. Then the hysterectomy was cancelled as I responded to other treatment, and once again all thoughts of having a baby faded

I'm peri menopausal now and am as broody as I've ever been in my life. I'm having crazy ideas that I may still have time, which rationally I know I don't But I've become that mad woman who clucks over random babies and even survived a week looking after grand daughter and actually cried when she went home ( never had a maternal feeling in my life before, always loved my grand children but was glad to say goodbye at the end of a visit)

It's my body telling me it's all come to an end so I guess I'm grieving, yet it's so strange to be grieving for something I never actually wanted. Rationally I've never regretted not having children, obviously hormones over ride rational at times

Tuesday_Tenor

Another poster had a 'childless by circumstance' thread a while ago.

I contributed quite a bit about how different my childless life is now, mid-50s, to many people who are exhausted, struggling with aging parents and troublesome teenagers at the same time.

There are joys as well sadnesses to being childless, pros as well as cons.

Rather the repeat myself, here's the thread. May be helpful, as most of the contributors are women for whom it just didn't happen, and so have had to adjust their dreams and expectations, rather than the 'I've never wanted children' brigade.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5208113

Best wishes for an enjoyable and rewarding next decade, what form it takes.

FBaby

What an honest, non-judgmental thread this is! Hope it helps OP.

pathtofreedom

I have never wanted kids but a word of warning, I have a few friends 36+ who thought they couldn't have kids for different reasons, then suddenly wham surprise!!! So have fun finding a new partner, but be careful unless it is someone you don't mind being tied to for a long time